Jar Jar's blog

Order 67?

2006-01-12T00:10:00.000+13:00

Mesa had mesa sunglasses on berry tightly, but theysa noah were needen. Der Chancellor wassen dressed when mesa walken in. Thassen a first. Hesa wassen talken to a clone trooper on a comlink, and hissen back wassen to mesa.
"No, I can't be sure he's working against me. Just like you couldn't be sure whether or not the Invisible Hand and three Separatist capital ships were closing in to attack Corellia last week. No, no excuses, please, commander. Just be ready to initiate order 67."
"That's the one where we get you a frankfurter with extra mustard to go, right?" Der commander looken puzzled.
"NO, you idiot! That's order 76! Or was it 75? Order 67 is-" Den mesa sneezen.
"ARGH!" Palpatine turnen off der commlink. "Jam Jar, what in the force are you doing here?"
"Er... mesa work here."
"Oh. Yes. Right. *Ahem*." Hesa looken at der floor.
"Mister Chancellor?"
"What? Are you still here?"
"Yousa noah given mesa der next mission yet, sir."
"Oh, yes, right. I daresay you know Fluke Starbucker?"
"Yes..."
"He is a Founder of the New Jedi Order Wannabe. That means that if the Jedi order ever falls, his job is to pick up the pieces and found a New Jedi order."
"Issen nice to know theysa have a contingency plan. Der Jedi aresa berry wise."
"Yes, but it does aggravate things for me, rather. What with... you know... order 66."
"Order 66?"
"What? Haven't I told you that one?"
"No..."
"Oh, well thank the force for that. Who knows what you'd be able to screw up if you had access to top-level secret plans like that. Anyway, Fluke Starbucker. I want you to... how do you say this tactfully? Terminate him."
"Eh? What for? Hesa a nice man. And hesa a FotNJOW. Hesa doin all kinds of heroic deeds, like fighten Darth Tater, and-"
"Oh, be quiet! I've heard enough about Fluke Starbucker's heroic deeds, thank you! I know you're not an assassin, technically..."
"Mesa noah an assassin, period."
"...but I am giving you a direct order. Order 492, as it happens. Now hop to it!"

"Aayla Secura speaking."
"Hesa wanten mesa to kill Fluke Starbucker! Whatsa mesa gonna do!?"
"Okay, Jar, just stay calm. There's gotta be a way around this..."
"Fluke can noah hiden like Qui-Gon! Qui-Gon issen dead, but Fluke hassen heroic deeds to performen!"
"Look, I have a plan. Obviously, it would be wrong for you to even try to assassinate a FotNJOW. But if you can pretend like you attacked him and lost..."
"Den mesa can hiden somewhere and der Supreme Chancellor will never knowen!"
"Exactly. You have to disappear, Jar Jar. I'll ask Fluke to put on a show; pretend he's been attacked. I'm sure he owes me a favor from someplace or other. As for you, I have some contacts in Core Worlds TV. They have a job opening as presenter on a game show. It's out of the way, you'll be close to home, and Palpatine won't know a thing about it until the show airs, which won't be until October, at least. In the mean time, I'll find some way for you to vanish permanently."
"Well... mesa supposen mesa accept."
"Great. Pack your bags and take the first available flight back to Naboo. And Jar Jar?"
"Yessen?"
"Did the Chancellor say anything about 'Order 66'?"
"A little..."
"Did he say what it meant?"
"No." Aayla sighen.
"Back to research, for me then. One last thing. Don't use your blog anymore. It's probably tapped."

Inside Palpatine's office, the old Chancellor attentively watches a hologram of Jar Jar and Aayla talking via commlink.
Aayla: I'll ask Fluke to put on a show; pretend he's been attacked. I'm sure he owes me a favor from someplace or other. As for you-
Suddenly, the image blurs, crackles, and vanishes. Palpatine looks at the projector angrily and hits it. Nothing happens. He tries again, and again. Nothing happens. He throws a short tantrum, hits the device once more, and illicits a response.
Aayla: -last thing. Don't use your blog anymore. It's probably tapped.
Palpatine: Bah!
He crosses to a viewscreen on the wall, and taps several buttons next to it. A man's face appears on the screen.
???: Hey, Palpy, what's up?
Palpatine: I told you not to call me that! The man's smile hardens.
???: I'll call you whatever I please. The fans want to know your first name, sure. But as long as I don't give you one, I can use whichever abusive term suits me in our little chats. You're lucky I don't use that little name your mummy had for you when you were a youngling.
Palpatine: Grr...
???: So, Palpy. What do you want?
Palpatine: It's about Jam Jar.
???: Jar Jar.
Palpatine: Whatever. He's definitely working with Aayla Secura against me.
???: *sighs* I suppose there's nothing for it. It'll have to be Order 67. The fans have been clamouring for it for years, you know. Some of those websites...
Palpatine: So, when can I give Order 66?
???: All in good time, Palps. Steve the Spider assures me that the opportune moment will arrive at the end of Episode III. Just 67 for now. And, by the force, be humane. You know I have a soft spot for Jar Jar, or I would have written him off a long time ago. Remember that.
Palpatine: Yes, sir... Can I just torture him a little bit? Just a teensy-
???: Be quiet. The image on the screen disappears.

Mission 4: Operation "Ghostbuster"

2006-01-10T00:55:00.000+13:00

Okeyday, issen noah gonna be difficult. Jussen convincen Qui-Gon dat hesa better hide for a while to escapen der chancellor's wrath. Easy.

Qui-Gon: Man, have you been, like, doing Death Sticks?
Jar Jar: No, mesa serious! Der supreme chancellor senden mesa her to banishen yousa!
Qui-Gon: Whoa. Far out, man. Hesa paused. Like, are you sure about the Death Sticks? Cause they can give you some serious hallucinations.
Jar Jar: Mesa noah been doin Death Sticks, okeyday? Mesa noah wanten to go home and retinken mesa life!
Qui-Gon: You are serious, aren't you, Jar? Look, man, I'm cool with the whole self-preservation thing. But I can't run and hide.
Jar Jar: Thissen noah a time to be worryen about being a coward!
Qui-Gon: It's not that. I'm, like, the public face of Uncle Jinn & JJ's brownies! I'm a benign, fatherly, force-ghost. Jawajuice... well, no offense to JJ, man, but have you ever seen a Jawa under those hoods they all wear? That is nasty!
Jawajuice: It's true. Losing Qui could hurt our sales. People just don't trust Jawas. I mean, only 20% or so of us are kleptomaniacs, but people just don't buy from us. On Tatooine, they ain't got no choice. But neither do we - the rest of the galaxy is pretty much enemy territory. Why do you think our race still lives there? Jeez, it's not as if we like it.
Jar Jar: Yousa noah understanden! Der chancellor issen after Qui-Gon, and if mesa can noah proven to Palpatine dat mesa banishen himsa, hesa will firen mesa and senden someone else - maybe a professional exorcist.
Qui-Gon: Look, Jar Jar, if you can, like, find a replacement for me, I'll go and hide somewhere. But it's just, like, temporary. Don't expect me to sit around on Dantooine or some place chewing spice forever.
Jar Jar: A replaceyment? Hmm...

Ten minutes later, outside the local Wal-Mart...
Qui-Gon: Like, are you sure about this?
Jar Jar: Of course mesa sure. Cousin Can Can hassen never letten mesa down. Although, since mesa never relyen on hersa for anyting in der first place...
Can Can Binks: Okeyday, kids! Uncle Jinn & JJ's super-secret recipie brownies, now available in coffee flavour!
Human Child: Where's Uncle Qui-Gon?
Can Can Binks: Er... hesa busy. Hesa go away on business trip. To visiten hissen mother-in-law.
Human Child: But you said business?
Can Can Binks: Er... kid, letten mesa tellen yousa someting about mothers-in-law...
Jawajuice: This had better be temporary, Qui. I'm serious.

Mesa a Doubly Agent - Cool, Huh?

2006-01-05T22:15:00.000+13:00

Mesa standen in front of Supreme Chancellor Palpatine's office door again. Thissen time, mesa wassen prepared for whatever horrible sight awaiten mesa. Mesa putten on der sunglasses Aayla given mesa on Ryloth.
"I got these for a couple of credits off a trader from some planet called Betelgeuce. Never heard of the place myself," shesa had sayen. "They're peril-sensitive sunglasses - at the first sign of danger, they turn completely black. I don't know what use they might have in a combat situation..." shesa frowned, "But if you walk in on the Chancellor wearing his speedoes again, they should prevent you from seeing anything."
Mesa had been confusen then, but mesa wassen glad to have der sunglasses now. Aayla had senden mesa back to Coruscant to work for der Chancellor again, to get hersa more information about whatsa hesa wassen doin. Mesa taken a deep breath, and openen der door.

As soon as mesa looken inside, der sunglasses turned pitch-black.
"Mister Chancellor? Are yousa wearing anyting?"
"Jam Jar? Of course I'm wearing something - can't you see this electric-blue speedo?"
"No! And mesa noah wanten to!"
"Well, good. I'm sick of you walking in here in sneaking peaks of me in my underwear."
"Der feeling issen mutual. Mesa here to report on mesa last mission."
"Oh, good. Well, how did it go?"
"Er... well, shesa noah suspecten a ting. Itsa never even occuren to hersa to looken into Darkside Foods."
"Excellent, excellent. I won't have to kill her yet, then, I'll save her for Order 66..."
"What did yousa say?"
"*Ahem* I said, I'll have to save her some fish sticks. I'm having seafood tonight, you know. Now, I'm sure you're eager to be off on your next mission. We have only two targets left."
"Targets?"
"Er... never mind. Your next mission is to do with your old friend, Qui-Gon Jinn. It's very simple. I need you to banish him to the ether."
"WHAT?"
"The ether. You know, the metaphysical realm inhabited by dead force-users? I need you to put him there and make sure he can't get back for at least a decade."
"How?"
"Oh, be creative. You know a few Gungan shaman tricks, don't you? I'm sure you'll figure something out."
"But... whysa?"
"Because I told you to. Now go and complete your next mission."

Mesa turnen around and walken into der wall. Mesa peril-sensitive sunglasses were still black. Mesa fumblen around, finden der door, and walken through it. When der door closed, der sunglasses went clear again. Mesa took out mesa cellphone and dialed Aayla's number.
"Hello, Aayla speaking."
"Aayla? Der Chancellor wanten mesa to banish Qui-Gon to der ether! What should mesa do!"
"That can't be good. Why would he want Qui out of the way? If he's going after Force-ghosts, there must be something going on... Look, just convince Qui-Gon to lay low for a while, and find something that'll make the Chancellor believe you've done it. I dunno, get a replica of his lightsabre or something. I should check on Yarael Poof as well. Palpatine's up to something..."

Mission 3: Operation "Wesa goin' on a Twi'lek hunt"

2005-12-31T00:34:00.000+13:00

Mesa figuren der best place to start would be der Twi'lek homeworld, Ryloth. Issen a wierd place. One one side of der planet, issen always daytime. On der other side, issen always nighttime. In der bit where der Twi'lek all live, issen always five-thirty on a Friday evening. Or perhaps seven-thirty on a Saturday morning. Yousa can noah ever tell.

Of course, mesa noah dere for sightseeing. Mesa gotta find Aayla Secura. Itsa can be noah so hard - shesa issen blue! How many blue Twi'lek women can theresa possibly by on der Twi'lek homeworld?

"Aayla! Aayl- er... sorry, miss."
"Hey! Yousa! Aayla Sec- sorry, yousa looky like someone mesa knowen."
"Aayl- oh, forgetten itsa..."
Okeyday, mebbe mesa should have looked up hersa Ryloth address in der Order Directory before mesa leaven. Theresa so many caves... hersa clan mussen liven in one of themsa! Mesa will finden a telephone box. A phone book will help.

Aayl'asecuqux, Aayl'asecuquy, Aayl'asecuquz... Okeyday, here wesa are: Aayl'asecura. Lucky theresa a map in thissen phone book. Should be easy to find der cave.

Okeyday, thissen should be der last hill. No, theresa another valley ahead. Down into der valley and up der next hill... and theresa another valley. Down and up again, and down again and up again, and down again and - wait. Back up der way mesa came. Yes, thissen der right cave. Knock on der- theresa noah door. Noah panic, Jar Jar, jussen ring der doorbe- theresa noah doorbell! Okeyday, Jar Jar, now yousa can panic. EARGHARAGHARHARGARAGH! EEEEE!

"What's all the noise about? Why is someone screaming outside my- Jar Jar? What are you doing here on Ryloth?"
"EEEAARRREEEARRREEAREAREARIIII! EE-oh... er... hello, Aayla... er... nice day."
"It's evening. It's always evening. It's been five-thirty p.m. on Friday the seventeenth of August for well over ten thousand years. The Twi'lek people have saved a fortune from not having to purchase calenders."
"Oh... of course..."
"Well, come in. Would you like some coffee?"
"WOULD mesa?"

"You've kind of caught me at a bad time, I've finished my research on Darth Hidious, Darth Mrow, Darth Gollum and Darth Smeagol, and Darth Wayne, but I still have some work to do on one of the most devious and evil of them all - Darth Oprah. I have Master Yoda's files on her, but we still need more information."
"Yousa been studyen Darth Oprah for four months!?"
"Has it been that long? Oh no - I haven't bought any new clothes since I've been doing the work for Sith Awareness Week! Everything I have is probably out of fashion by now!"
"But... Sith Awareness Week issen over."
"Yeah, but it was kinda a big flop. If I prepare well for next year, though, and get some better publicity for it, it'll work out just great."
"Okeyday... well, mesa here on a mission."
"What kind of mission?"
"To find yousa! Der Chancellor sent mesa to - uh... find out what yousa know about der Sith."
"The Chancellor? I should have seen this coming. I need more coffee."
"Why? Whatsa issen wrong with der Chancellor?"
"*Sigh* You are so clueless, Jar Jar. Did he feed you some story about Sith connections in Darkside Foods that he "honestly didn't know about"? Because he told me the same thing. And I believed him. But during my research, I keep finding little unexplainable discrepancies, like someone is covering up the mistakes of all the Sith. Take Darth Hidious's operation on Hoth, for example. After Mace Windu killed his psychotic clone, he went straight back to Coruscant. He was overdue for his scalp care appointment; he didn't realise that there might be Sith secrets hidden inside Hidious's computers. I sent a probe droid to Hoth, but when it got there, someone had taken all the fridge magnets off of Darth Hidious's freezer and stuck them on the computers. The data was irretrievably corrupted."
"So? Mebbe Darth Hidious put themsa dere so noahone would find hissen secret plans?"
"No. One of the fridge magnets wasn't Sith-issue. It was a picture of a bright yellow speedo. Only one person in the galaxy would ever have a yellow speedo-shaped fridge magnet."
"Yousa meanen... der Supreme Chancellor issen helpen der Sith?"
"Worse. I think that Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith."

Okeyday, thissen time for sure.

2005-12-28T17:30:00.000+13:00

Mesa stopped, about to open der door, and knocked.
"Chancellor? Are yousa dressed?"
Noah answer.
"Mister Chancellor?" Hmm. Guess hesa noah home. Mesa went in...

And der Chancellor wassen lying on hissen desk, in bright green speedoes, with whipped cream all over hissen face and cucumber slices on hissen eyes.
"Erk!"
"Argh! What? What? Who's interrupting my facial?" Hesa sitten up and taken off der cucumber slices. "You again? Don't you ever knock?"
"Mesa did knocken! Yousa noah answeren!"
"Well, I didn't hear you! I must have fallen asleep!"
"Why are yousa having a facial in yoursa office?"
"My job is my life, Jam Jar." Mesa noah botheren to correcten himsa. "I don't have enough spare time to prepare a good facial, so I have to cater to my beautifying needs while I'm at work. It's not as if I want the seven hours to spend every day on scalp care that Mace Windu has, but just a little time to stop myself winding up like this...

...would be nice!

"Er... okeyday. Well, der crown jewelies of Alderaan and Leia's fork are in yoursa storehouse. Do yousa haven another mission for mesa?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. Kenobi - check. Organa - check. That leaves Jinn, Secura, Starbucker, and of course, yourself... heeheehee!"
"Sorry? What?"
"Erm... nothing. Your next mission. Well, several months ago, the Jedi Knight Aayla Secura disappeared while collecting information for Sith Awareness Week. Find her, interrogate her, and if she has discovered any information that might be used against me, use whatever means necessary to stop her from returning to the Jedi Temple!"
"Why would shesa find information about yousa while shesa wassen researchen for Sith Awareness Week?"
"Er... well... it's a funny story, that... you see... my food company, Darkside Foods, is owne- er... used to be owned by the Sith Order, and, well, you never know, there... may... be some Sith connections in the company that I honestly don't know about! But if Aayla finds evidence of these, pleading ignorance may not be enough to prove me innocent in the Coruscant Supreme Court! So... you see?"
"Noah weally, but okeyday."

These missions keep getten wierder. And theresa someting strange about der Chancellor...

Noahone in theirsa right mind would where speedoes that shade of green.

Mission 2: Operation "Weally Bad Idea"

2005-12-27T17:33:00.000+13:00

Thissen nuts. Mesa gotta stealen der most treasured possessions of one of der galaxy's most powerful families. Der tings mesa do for mesa job...
At least Count Dooku comen with mesa. Although, thassen mebbe a bad ting...
Count Dooku: Tally ho, what what? This'll be an absolute cracker of a mission, don't you agree?
Jar Jar: Er... yesss...
Count Dooku: And Lord Sidi- er... Chancellor Palpatine even said I could take a piece or two of treasure for my own collection! The crown jewels of Serenno are so frightfully dreary, you know.
Jar Jar: Wonderfullen.
Wesa were on Alderaan, at der front door of Princess Leia's palace. Wesa were wearen cameras around oursa necks to disguisen oursaselves as tourists. Count Dooku wassen taken a lot of pictures of der mountains.
Jar Jar: So... howsa wesa gonna getten in?
Count Dooku: Join a tour, I assume. Hesa holden up a camera. These disguises really do work wonders, you know, Jam Jar.
Jar Jar: Issen Jar Jar.
Count Dooku: Oh, sorry. My maste- I mean, the Chancellor, said your name was Jam Jar.
Jar Jar: Grr...
Count Dooku: Hmm. Although, this Leia is still alive and living here, isn't she? Normally they don't give tours of occupied palaces. I certainly wouldn't let anyone take tours of *my* mansion on Serenno.
Jar Jar: So, how?
Count Dooku: Well, I could use a mind trick on the guard - although, whenever a plan calls for the use of a mind trick, the guards always turn out to be Toydarian - or I could cut a hole in the wall or window with my lightsabre, or we could tunnel in with plastic spoons, or-
Jar Jar: Or wesa could do thissen! Mesa threw a booma at der door guard. Hesa wassen knocken out.
Count Dooku: That could work.

Der inside of der palace wassen huge! So many rooms, and so many doors... When wesa found der treasure rooms, theresa turnen out to be about fifty vaults.
Count Dooku: Ooh, if only we had time to loot this place properly, eh what? There's so much in here I would love to reappropriate. Ah, yes, this vault looks likely, it has the Alderaanian coat of arms on it.
Jar Jar: Issen two crossed forks with a blue background.
Count Dooku: Yes, I believe Leia had the coat of arms changed.
Hesa starten to cutten through der vault door with hissen lightsabre. Den, three forks thudded into der wall next to der door.
Princess Leia: What do you think you're doing here?
Shesa wassen looken berry angry. Shesa wassen wearen a leather bandolier filled with forks, and had a fork in each hand.
Count Dooku: Don't worry, Jar Jar, I'll handle this.
Hesa pullen hissen lightsabre out of der door and getten into a fighting stance.
Princess Leia: What, you think I've never fough Sith before? I wasn't born yesterday, mister!
Shesa pullen a matt black fork out of hersa bandolier and throwen itsa. Count Dooku blocken itsa with hissen lightsabre... and hissen lightsabre fizzed and went out.
Count Dooku: Honestly! Does everyone have cortosis weaponry these days? Hmph.
Princess Leia: Hi-yah!
Mesa hassen never facen a dual-fork-wielding princess of Alderaan before, and, well... mesa noah feelen up to der challenge.
Jar Jar: Hurryen uppen! Cut through der door!
Count Dooku: With this thing? Hissen lightsabre wassen still spluttering. I'd do more damage with a crumpet, frankly.
Jar Jar: Er... Okeyday, mesa will holden hersa off, yousa figuren out der combination lock.
Mesa turnen round and facen Princess Leia.
Princess Leia: Into the garbage chute, frog boy!
Mesa ducked hersa next fork, and starten throwen boomas. Leia blocken themsa all with forks. Shesa good. Shesa berry good. Meanwhile, Dooku wassen fumbling with an electronic lockpick thingy.
Count Dooku: Ah! I have it! Spiffing!
Der door swung open. Mesa ducken another fork and running inside with Dooku. Der crown jewelies were on a table, and Leia's silver fork wassen on a pedestal next to it. One der other side of der table was a pedestal holding a berry large silver spoon. Mesa looken at der spoon, den at Leia.
Princess Leia: Oh no. Don't you get any ideas.
Mesa grabben der spoon and throwen itsa at hersa head.
Princess Leia: Oof!
Shesa collapsen unconscious on der floor.
Count Dooku: So, spoons are her kryptonite? Spiffing! Let's take these jewels and get out of here, shall we? Tally ho!
Jar Jar: Hmm.
Mesa picken up der spoon and putten itsa in mesa pocket. Yousa never knowen when a spoon might be useful.

Der Chancellor's New Speedo

2005-12-24T00:30:00.000+13:00

Mesa walken up to der door of der sumpreme chancellor's office. Hesa sayen hesa would getten changed, so itsa should be safe to go in. Mesa openen der door...

And see Chancellor Palpatine wearen a santa hat and bright red speedoes with fluffy white edging.

"ARGH!"
"AHHH!"
"Er... Mister Chancellor, sir, mesa tinken yousa sayen yousa would get changed!"
"I did! These are my Christmas speedoes, Jam Jar! You have to get with the spirit of the season!" Hesa jiggled hissen head to show off der pompom on hissen hat.
"Issen Jar Jar, Mister Chancellor."
"Yes, yes, what was I thinking? Jar Jar. Mind if I call you Marmalade for short?"
"Er... no, noah doin that. Please."
"Oh, fine. Now, your next mission. I believe I decided to send you after... Leia, yes. Princess Leia."
"Mesa never hearen of hersa before."
"She was on the same team as us during Survivor: Tatooine, don't you remember? Which is exactly why I want revenge on her, of course!"
"No..."
"Hmm. Probably because she's not supposed to be born for another five years. *Ahem* Anyway, she's a princess from Alderaan, and I want you to take something from her."
"Whatsa?"
"Well... the crown jewels of Alderaan."
"WHAT?"
"I have a Nubian Retreiver at my ranch that they would adorn quite nicely, I believe."
"Er... stealen der crowned jewelies of Alderaan?"
"And perhaps her favourite silver fork if you can get hold of it. Yes, my silverware collection is missing an Alderaanian battle-fork."
"But... stealen der-"
"Yes, yes, that's it. Tell you what, I'll send Lord Ty- er... Count Dooku with you on this one. Leia won't be pleased to find her fork gone, and you might need backup."

De-alcoolising Obi's beer, mesa can handle, but now mesa tinken mebbe der Chancellor issen noah entirely on der level. Noah wonderen mesa always losen so much in der poker games. Well, mesa gotta do what hesa sayen. Hesa der boss, after all.

Mission 1: Operation Sober-Obi

2005-12-22T21:25:00.000+13:00

Thissen whole ting seemen a little bitty suspicious. Mesa hassen never hearen of thissen "order 66" before, and mesa tinken der Chancellor hassen an ulterior motive. Hesa always keeped talken to himsaself... But hey, issen can noah be that bad, right?

Mesa sneeken into der Jedi temple berry stealthily, quieterer than a whisper... and bangen into Master Yoda on hissen way out.
"Jar Jar? Doing what you are here, hmm?"
"Er... mesa sorry, Master Yoda, mesa can noah tellen yousa. Official businesses."
"Tell me you will what doing here you are."
"Tellen yousa mesa will whatsa doin here mesa issen..."
"Doing here are you what, Jar Jar?"
"Mesa on a mission for der Chancellor... mesa gotta taken all der alcohol out of Obi's beer supply..."
Yoda's ears perken up when hesa hearen thissen.
"Kenobi's beer? Help you I will. Perhaps less irritating when he is sober, Kenobi will be. Know for certain I do not. Never seen him sober before have I."

Yoda's key getten ussen into Obi's room, but hissen storeroom hassen a different lock. Issen a berry secure combination lock with ten digits.
"Hmm. Use the force to open this, perhaps I can."
Yoda starten to wave hissen hands at der door. Mesa stood back and throwen some boomas at der door.
"Jar Jar! Trying to kill me are y-argh!"
"Oh... sorry, Master Yoda."
Hesa looken unconscious, but hesa will probably be okeyday. And mesa boomas scramblen der combination lock and breaken itsa, so now der door wassen open. Mesa walken inside.

So much beer. Rows and rows of cans, wall to wall and floor to ceiling, and huge piles of cheeto bags too! How much can Obi possibly needen? But dere wassen someone else dere too. A Jedi youngling.
"*Hic* Hi, Jar Jar!" Hesa knowen mesa, but mesa can noah tellen der younglings apart. Human children all looky der same to mesa.
"Whosa are yousa, and why yousa in Obi's beer supply?"
"My name'sh *hic* Harvey. I'm guarding Mashter Kenobi'sh *hic* supply room until he getsh back from TVland."
"Hassen yousa been drinken Obi's beer?" mesa asken.
"Well... I got shtuck in here *hic* and couldn't open the door 'cause it was locked. I got thirsty. And hungry, so I *hic* ate his cheetoes too. Hey, do you *hic* wanna shee my toys? We can play a game if you *hic* want."
"No, mesa busy. Mesa on official business for der Chancellor."
"Oh, okay. Maybe *hic* later."
"HARVEY! There are you! Looking for you for days I have been!"
"Uh-oh..."
"Harvey! Drinking Kenobi's beer have you been? Tell you did I not that old enough to drink beer you are not?"
"But I was thirsty!"
"No buts you may say! Come with me now you must, or give you a force-wedgie I will."
"Fine..."
Harvey and Yoda leaven mesa alone with der beer. Mesa sighed and starten to picken up der cans.

"Jar Jar? What are you doing back so soon?" Mesa closen mesa eyes - der Chancellor wassen still sunnen himsaself in hissen speedo.
"Er... can mesa usen one of yoursa chemical plants? Mesa noah haven der equipment to getten der alcohol out of thissen beer." Mesa pointen at der speeder full of cans parken outside der window.
"Yes, yes, fine. Just make sure you do every can and put them all back exactly as you found them. Obi-Wan, check. Next... how about Princess Leia? Yes, good. Report for your next mission at... er... as soon as I've gotten changed."

Worken for der Chancellor

2005-12-19T17:34:00.000+13:00

Mesa arriven at der Chancellor's office thissen mornen, where an horrific scene awaiten mesa. Mesa wassen wearen mesa bestest official robes. In contrast, Palpatine, Supreme Chancellor of der Republic, wassen wearen berry little at all. Mesa became familiar with hissen banana-yellow speedoes along with all der other Survivor: Tatooine contestants a few monthies ago. Today, hissen sunroof wassen open and hesa wassen lyin in a deck chair in der middle of hissen office wearing noahting but speedoes.

"Argh! Mesa eyes!"
"What? What? Oh! Argh! I was just... um... working on my tan... you know... the smog and pollution and stuff..." hesa trailed off.
"Er... mesa sorry, mister Chancellor, sir."
"Hmm? Wha- Oh! Yes, yes - *ahem* - so you should be... uh... Jam Jar, isn't it?"
"Issen Jar Jar. Mesa Jar Jar Binks. Remember?"
"Oh... yes, I remember... One of that bloodsucking Mabitt Tribe... they shall all pay, but this one shall be first, yes..."
"Sorry? Whatsa yousa sayen?"
"*Ahem* Nothing. Now, your first assignment shall be... hmm... perhaps I can turn them against each other... there's Aayla, Fluke, Qui-Gon, Leia, and... ah... Where was I? Your first assignment shall be to... doctor... Obi-Wan Kenobi's beer stocks! Specifically, I want you to remove every trace of alcohol from every can! Muwhahahahaha!"
"Er... mesa yousa office assistant, mister Chancellor, sir. Mesa noah an espionage expert."
"Oh. You aren't?" Hesa seemen disappointed. "Don't they train sub-senators in black-ops anymore? I mean, it's not as if this task is on the level of 'sneak into a guarded facility on Geonosis and plant a bomb to destroy the whole separatist army' now, is it? Well, I want you to try anyway. Use whatever methods seem appropriate. Obi-Wan fights at his best while blind drunk, so this will give me a major advantage when I give Order 66."
"Order 66?"
"Er... Oh, Sithspawn! Did I say that out loud? Well... Order 66 is the order I give when... uh... I want all the Jedi to... hold a tournament! With betting! Yes! And I can bet on whoever is fighting Obi-Wan, you see? Clever, no?"
"Oh. Okeyday. Mesa will try, then. Yousa der boss, mesa supposen."
"Excellent. Right now, Obi-Wan is out on a mission to find a place called 'TVland' looking for a human known as Ernest, so it shouldn't be difficult to sneak into his rooms at the temple and fix this up. Off you go." Mesa goin to leave, but when mesa goin through der door, mesa turnen around.
"Mister Chancellor, sir, maybe yousa should put some pants on."
"What? I'm not nearly finished sunning myself!"

Mesa Been WHAT?

2005-12-09T19:44:00.000+13:00

Senator Padme looky at hersa orders again. Den, shesa finally talken.
"This letter says I'm, like... supposed to give you a promotion?"
"Whatsa yousa sayen?"
"A promotion. Queen Jamillia, like, wants to promote you. She says that we can claim the, like, insurance from the water damage and get the office repaired, and this place has been falling apart for months, y'know? And she says that all the official documents that were destroyed were ones that needed to be shredded anyway to cover up our embezz- uh... I mean... never mind."
"So, whatsa mesa promotion gonna be?"
"Hmm. I can't read it, there's a big, messy ink stain on the, like, page. There's a note at the bottom, I think that's the Chancellor's handwriting. It says 'Jar Jar Binks is to be promoted to my "personal assistant" - muwhahahaha!' Like, whatever that means."

Hmm. Mesa suspicious. Der Supreme Chancellor issen berry wierd. Mesa playen poker with himsa and Jawajuice sometimes. Hesa muy muy sneaky and cunning. And hesa tried to getten mesa convicted of murder during mesa duel with Yarael Poof. And some of mesa cousins tinken hesa issen a Sith Lord. And most of hissen invoices are forgeries. On der other hand, mesa will earnen 500 credits a month and getten three weeks paid holiday. Hmm.

Mesa will doin itsa!

A Bad Move, Mesatinks

2005-12-05T17:44:00.000+13:00

Okeyday, so, mesa had der brilliant plan of how to getten der clones out of der office. Mesa maken sure all der doors and windows were sealed tight, den turnen on all der taps mesa could find, in der kitchen and der bathrooms, and on der water cooler. Der whole office fillen up with water. Mesa clones issen all gungans jussen like mesa, so theysa noah died when mesa flooden der office, but mesa swimmen over to one of der windows and openen itsa to washen themsa all out.

Der problem wassen dat, just as mesa openen der window, Sache, Yane, and Eritae arriven at work early. Theysa open der elevator door, and... Yane wassen checked into hospital with hypothermia, but Sache and Eritae were just pissed at mesa. Mesa hassen spenden most of thissen week apologisen to everyonesa.

Thissen mornen, mesa go to Senator Padme's office. Shesa looken in mesa eyes for a few minutes. Shesa can be realyl disturben when shesa noah blinken like thassen. Then, shesa sayen...
"Jar Jar, this... incident... is possibly the worst thing you've ever done. Well, aside from the time you flooded the city of Theed. Now *that* was a really spectacular screw-up! Anyway, because of what's happened here, we're going to have to..." Shesa opened an envelope with hersa orders from der Queen and der Supreme Chancellor in itsa, and readen themsa. Shesa turned der paper upside down, looked at itsa in a mirror, and applied a decryption algorithm to itsa. Den shesa sitten in stunned silence. Mesa hassen tryen to wake hersa up, but noahting worken. Mesa gonna check hersa again later.

Uh-oh...

2005-11-29T22:02:00.000+13:00

Oookeyday... Mesa clone grew up into a proper Jar Jar berry fast. Itsa almost identical to mesa, and obeyen mesa every order without question. But... theresa a problem...

Mesa took der clone to worken early today, before anyone else getten dere. Mesa noah wanten anyone to noticen two of mesa walken in der door! Once wesa both in der building, mesatinks mesa can hide in mesa office doing paperwork and noahone will noticen, while der clone do other jobs. But while mesa wassen showing der clone around der office... Dere wassen a little bitty accidenty with der shredder. Der clone... eh... fed itsaself through der shredder. Itsa jammen der shredder, but got cut into two pieces.

Mesa wassen goin to hide der... remains... and pretenden noahting had happenen... but der Kaminoans mussen have builden thissen clone to lasten... noah wonder issen wassen so expensive. Each half grew into another clone, half der size of mesa. Theysa started walken about der office. Mesatinks dere wassen someting wrong with theirsa brains, since theysa doin noahting right. Theysa maken more of a mess dan mesa ever did. And whenever theysa hurten themsaselves, a bit of themsa fallen off. And growen into a complete Jar Jar clone.

Mesa hiden in mesa office with der door closen. Mesatinks theresa are hundreds of miniature Jar Jars walken around oursa office. And Senator Padme gonna be here in two hours!

Kamino

2005-11-26T20:14:00.000+13:00

Mesa came up with a great way to increase mesa productivity! Mesa can get mesaself cloned! Issen simple, but effective. Mesa can tell der Kaminoans to make a physicallly perfect copy of mesa, but with almost no mind, so itsa will obey mesa every order without question. Den, mesa can send itsa about der building to run errands, while mesa handlen der paperwork in mesa office. Issen foolproof!

Mesa got to Kamino thissen mornen (mesa travellen business class - noah tell Senator Padme, okeyday?). Issen berry windy here, and all der walls inside be white. So boring. Der Kaminoans sayen theysa needen some of mesa genetic material, so mesa gave themsa a sock. Theysa sayen a sock issen not genetic material. Hmph. One of themsa tried to scrape some skin from mesa neck with a knife after dat! Mesa fighten back, of course. For anaemic anorexics, theysa are pretty tough.

Der next ting mesa knowen, mesa waken up in a lab and a Kaminoan issen handen mesa a test-tube. Hesa sayen mesa clone wassen inside. How can a clone of mesa fit inside a little test tube? Mesa tinken hesa lying, but hesa would noah given mesa anyting else, so mesa will have to make do with thissen. Hesa given mesa a bottle of blue stuff dat hesa sayen wassen special advanced growth acceleration formula. Hesa tellen mesa to pour der whole bottle into der test tube tonight, and der clone would grow into a copy of mesa overnight. Hesa also sayen dat issen experimental, and der side effects could include something-or-other... hesa coughed a lot, and mesa could noah hearen himsa.

Hmm.

Looks can be decieving

2005-11-24T00:05:00.000+13:00

Mesa job issen harder than itsa looken. If mesa make one teensy tiney mistake, taxes on Naboo could be raised to 89%, or Senator Padme's electricity bill mebbe be diverted to de Supreme Chancellor and get himsa berry angry, or de Naboo royal fleet could be mortgaged. Mesa spake from personal experience here (unfortunately). All itsa can taken issen one word misspelled, or a comma left out... or mebbe mesa forgetten to read der whole paper before mesa signen itsa. But thassen noah happenen berry often. Honest.

So, itsa easy for mesa to screwen up big time with one itty bitty accidenty. But whenever someting bad happen, everyone always yellen at mesa! "Jar Jar, you broke the coffee machine!" "Jar Jar, you ruined the air conditioning!" "Jar Jar, you destroyed Coruscant's central power station!" Noahone actually realises how hard mesa job is!

Especially not Senator Padme.

Mesa come into hersa office for mesa performance review. Itsa noah going well.
"Jar Jar, you've really caused us a lot of trouble this year. I mean, I could almost forgive you for the time you signed a form to have the palace at Theed demolished, and the time you e-mailed the self-destruct codes for my ship to the Separatists, and the time you fed my senatorial inauguration speech through the shredder..."
One hour later...
"...and even the time you relocated our office to the lower city, but the time you cut my margarita budget by 20% was simply the last straw!" Then shesa huffing and puffing for a few minutes. Senator Padme can talken for a long time on one breath. "Look, Jar Jar, you know I think you're just about the cutest mascot we're ever going to get ahold of for less than a hundred credits a month, but if you don't improve... a lot... very quickly, I'm going to have to fire you."

Well... whatsa mesa gonna do? If mesa readen all der forms Senator Padme given mesa before mesa signen themsa, itsa would taken far too long! There mussen be some way mesa can do everyting right and still have plenty of spare time to watch all of Boss Nass's game shows and eat jarfuls of peanut butter...

Performance Reviews

2005-11-18T09:15:00.000+13:00

Issen time for mesa yearly performance review at Senator Padme's office. Mesa pretty sure itsa will going well. Aside from der time when mesa screwed up all of Senator Padme's paperwork for weeks and almost got der royal palace on Naboo demolished, and aside from all der paperwork mesa forgetten to do while mesa wassen on Survivor: Tatooine, and aside from der time mesa exploden der coffee machine and incineraten most of Senatorial Decoy Eritae's apartment at oursa new-year's bash (mesa will tellen yousa dat story sometime)... Aside from all thassen, mesa hassen doin pretty well thissen year.

Mesa sure itsa will worken out. Senator Padme issen berry fair and never vengeful. Except when shesa been drinking too many margaritas. Den shesa getten nasty.

P.S.: Master Yoda issen helpen mesa set up a poll for mesa best 10 posts, but itsa will taken a little while, since mesa computer haten mesa and wanten mesa dead.

100

2005-11-15T22:23:00.000+13:00

Wow. Mesa hassen maken one hundred posts on mesa blog! Thissen a great achievement, mesa tinken, like der time mesa going a whole week without staining one of mesa official robes - although, der next day, mesa ackidentally... dropping one into der furnace. But thassen noah important, really, mesatinks.

Anyway, mesa would doing someting like Master Yoda (hesa hassen just made hissen two-hundredth post today - go and see) and starten a poll for mesa best ten posts. But... eh heh... mesa having noah idea how. So... Mesa gonna sitten here and looky at der number 100.

Mesa bored now. Okeyday, here's how mesa gonna doing itsa. If yousa wanten, e-mailen mesa to tellen mesa what yousa tinken some of mesa best posts are. Mesa can putten themsa in some kind of orderen, and thassen will have to do. Mesa needen to asken Master Yoda how hesa maken polls for hissen blog some time.

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Epliogue

2005-11-12T22:14:00.000+13:00

The Narrator: In the concussion ward of Mos Eisley General Hospital, Jar Jar, Frick, and Frack have just arrived outside E'etooi's room, hoping to pay the crazy archvillain a visit. As they are about to enter, Jawajuice walks out of the door.
Jar Jar: Hidoe, JJ! How yousa doin'?
Jawajuice: Oh, all things considered, I've been worse.
Frick: Look, Jawajuice, we're sorry we... like... crashed our spaceship on your uncle's head.
Frack: Yeah, really sorry... Psst! Frick was driving!
Frick: I heard that!
Jawajuice: There's nothing to apologise for. Apparently, you did the crazy old coot a favour. The doctors tell me that an injury like that would normally be enough to really screw with someone's mind. Of course, Uncle E'etooi's mind was already pretty surreal. It seems that, for the first time in about twenty years, he's been adding two and two together and *not* getting Thursday.
Frack: Whoohoo! So, not only have we saved the galaxy from an insane master criminal, but we actually restored his sanity!
Frick: Another great victory for the Followers of Ol' Fluke! Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to go and find Fluke. We heard a rumour he was on Dantooine...
The Narrator: They leave, discussing the possible whereabouts of Fluke Starbucker.
Jar Jar: So, hesa gonna be okeyday? Mesa knowen hesa usen mesa for hissen evil schemes... and tryen to kill Qui-Gon a second time... and corrupten mesa grandmother and turnen hersa to der dark side... and tryen to taken over Quermia... noah to mentionen hissen master plan to dominaten der whole galaxy with evil fast-food chains... but hesa still mesa old apprentice, so...
Jawajuice: Yeah. He's going to be just fine. Visiting hours don't end for another twenty minutes, if you want to see him.
Jar Jar: Okeyday. Mesa seein' yousa around, okeyday?
The Narrator: Jawajuice leaves the building, and Jar Jar goes into E'etooi's room.

The Narrator: Six months later...
Jar Jar: Hey! How yousa knowen whatsa gonna happenen in six months?
The Narrator (exasperated): Look, I'm the Narrator, all right? I know these things. Anyway, six months later...

E'etooi is back on Tatooine with his partially sane wife, Krip'ooi, and the rest of his family. He thought about opening a salad bar to atone for his crimes, but was stymied by the utter lack of salad on Tatooine, and eventually decided to work as a psychiatrist for the Tatooine branch of Dr. Happtise's clinic.
Tup Tup Binks fulfilled her childhood dream of becoming an interstellar bounty hunter (the first Gungan ever to make a living in the field). Without regular surgery to replace her blood with that of a ysalamir, her force immunity has faded. However, she is still... well... a fair to decent bounty hunter.
The numerous assorted potato businesses across the galaxy that Jar Jar had mysteriously come into possession of got back on their feet when their executives were all discovered tied up in E'etooi's basement. This is the largest concentration of executives seen in such a small space since before the dawn of the Republic. It is unknown yet whether the psychological damage they caused to each other will be permanent.
Frick continues the hunt for Fluke, searching the tallest trees of Kashyyyk, the darkest valleys of Korriban, and the deepest oceans of Kamino (as well as the local Wal-Mart).
Meanwhile, Frack is also searching for Fluke, adeptly scouting lots of other inaccessible places that Frick hasn't already looked through.
And as for me (remember, the Narrator?) I've recently joined F.O.O.F.! It's just the sort of job for me - following an important person and commentating on everything he does because I'll sure as heck never be as cool as him! Maybe I'll narrate for Jar Jar and Yarael Poof now and then, but right now, I'm off to help Frick and Frack find Fluke!

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Finale

2005-11-11T22:10:00.000+13:00

The Narrator: Yarael Poof kicked me out, so I figured I might as well narrate for the final showdown between Jar Jar and E'etooi. So, where was I? Jar Jar approaches the caravan door and climbs the steps in front of it. He then slips and falls back down again. He tries again, with the same result. The third time, he manages to get to the door and knock on it. E'etooi opens the door.
E'etooi: Who's there?
The Narrator: The door hits Jar Jar in the face and knocks him to the ground again.
Jar Jar: Ergh!
The Narrator: He grabs the potato lying next to his unconscious grandmother and lobs it at E'etooi, knocking the deranged Jawa over. He rushes forward to pick it up again.
E'etooi *clambering to his feet*: OW! What was that for?
Jar Jar: Usen mesa to helpen yousa taken over der galaxy!
E'etooi: Oh... right, that. Well, since you've managed to escape my control, let's see if you can escape my wrath! Heeheeheeheehee!
The Narrator: He holds out his left hand to invoke the power of the Dark Side of Cuisine. Jar Jar panics and hold the potato protectivly in front of him. To everyone's great surprise, it helps.
E'etooi: My powers aren't working? What the hey?
Jar Jar: Eh... Wait... Thissen issen an all-natural, uncooked potato, with der healthy skin still attached! Issen a powerful symbol of der Light Side of Cuisine!
E'etooi: Really? Cool. Uh... so... what do I do now?
Jar Jar: Well... yousa could surrenderen?
E'etooi: Never! Yeeaargh!
The Narrator: Jar Jar throws the potato at him again. He stumbles back into his caravan. Suddenly, a small spaceship drops out of the sky.
Jar Jar: Uh-oh...
The Narrator: He backs away, very quickly. The spaceship lands smack on top of E'etooi's caravan and crushes it, sustaining minimal damage itself.
Jar Jar: Okay... Hello? Issen anyone theresa?
The Narrator: A hatch on top of the spaceship opens, and a head pops up over the rim. A head wearing a home-made blast helmet. It is followed by another head. This one's blast helmet is patched up with sellotape.
Frick: Hey, buddy!
Jar Jar: Frick? Frack? Whatsa yousa doin heresa?
Frack: Well, we heard you were in trouble, and all us FooFers swear a solemn oath to help any of Fluke's friends when they need it - and you're... well... sort of Fluke's friend. So here we are: F.O.O.F., in all our glory, ready to assist you!
Frick: Besides, we can't find Fluke right now, so we don't have much else to do.
Frack: So, right! We're here, where's the danger?
Jar Jar *pointing*: Under yoursa ship.
Frack: ... Oh.
Frick: Maybe we should call 911.

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 7

2005-11-08T19:30:00.000+13:00

Okeyday... Noahone hassen responden to mesa call for help. Typical. Sometimes, mesa tinken everyone really haten mesa and only ever comen near mesa so theysa can watchen mesa trip over mesa shoelac- yargh!
*Jar Jar falls flat on his face*
Ouchie.

Mesa issen in E'etooi's trailor park home. Issen deserted, excepten for a few realtors. Hesa in hissen caravan - mesa can see himsa through one of der holes in der wall. Mesa issen guarden by mesa grandmother. Shesa wassen always so nice to mesa, maken woolly pink cardigans and cookies, so why shea so evil now?

"Mesa can seein what yousa typen, Jar Jar."

"Oh... eh... heh heh..."

"Mesa probably should noah tellen yousa, but hey, whatsa could happenen? Mesa meeten E'etooi a few years ago, while yousa were away with yousa fancy government duties - ungrateful grandkid that yousa are. Hesa promissen mesa power, respect, and a great dental plan. Hesa wassen lying. Five years later, and mesa teeth are fallen out. But der power and respect part... Sure, itsa taken a bit of surgery, but mesa immune to Force attacks now! Mesa bombad at fighting Jedi!"
Hmm... mesa tinken mesa can doin someting about thissen - mesa still hassen one potato in mesa pocket. If mesa can squeezen der juice out of itsa, mesa can maken a magical potion to incapicacassitaten hersa! Mesa jussen needen to keepen hersa busy a little longer...

"Why would yousa wanten to fighten Jedi?"

"Well... when mesa wassen a kid, mesa wassen always wanten to be a bounty hunter, or an Intergalactic Gladiator, or someting like thassen. Theysa berry cool jobs!"

"Ooookeyday... So, whatsa E'etooi wanten with mesa?"

"Hesa jussen wanten someone to control hissen takeover of der galaxy for himsa whil hesa busy with roadkill taxidermy. Anyonesa could doing itsa, but hesa wanten revenge on yousa as well."

"Revenge? Mesa? Why?"

"Issen rule number 42 of der Darksider's Handbook - Any apprentice whosa turnen to der Dark Side mussen seeken revenge on theirsa former master."

"Oh. Mesa should have noah asken. How yousa becomen immune to der Force?"

"Mesa hassen Ysalamiri blood in mesa veins now - theysa block Force powers with der anti-midichlorians in theirsa blood. E'etooi sayen mebbe mesa would getten anaemia or someting, but thassen probably noahting important."

"Okeyday... Well, whatever thassen meanen..." Mesa out of questions! Issen now or never!

*Jar Jar throws the potato at Tuppaware Tuppaware's head, knocking her out.*

Well... Issen easier then maken a potion. Now, mesa mussen confronten E'etooi...

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 6

2005-11-06T23:08:00.000+13:00

Whassen mesa doin? Mesa realisen thissen mornen dat mesa been producen der same kinds of food mesa swearen to purge from der galaxy! Deep-fried chips dripping with fat... Der strange guy in der brown robe came to mesa apartment thissen morning. Hesa tellen mesa to expanden into other fast food... chicken nuggets made of reconstituted fat and gristle, soft-serve ice cream made of chicken fat... Mesa snappen out of itsa then. And then, mesa realisen whosa hesa wassen.

Jawajuice's crazy uncle E'etooi. And mesa grandmother, Tuppaware Tuppaware Binks, wassen with himsa! Mesa should have knowen dat hesa wassen behind der troubles on Naboo a few weeks ago! Theysa noah liken dat mesa wassen noah longer going along with theirsa plans. So now, mesa locked up in E'etooi's cargo ship, headen for der trailor park on Tatooine where hesa liven. Mesa may as well passen der time tellen yousa all someting... *Sigh* Mesa used to knowen himsa, before E'etooi turnen evil like thissen...

Before mesa becomen Senator Padme's assistant here, mesa wassen a plumber on Naboo, in Otoh Gunga city. Mesa wassen noah a bombad plumber. Mesa wassen so bad at plumbing, mesa getten exiled for itsa. Yousa knowen how itsa issen. But before mesa wassen a plumber, mesa wassen a chef. Der best chef in Otoh Gunga, probabibly der best chef on Naboo. Mesa cakes wassen renowned throughout der Gungan world, mesa roast dinners wassen famed. Den, assen der custom goes, mesa taken on an apprentice.

E'etooi. Mesa meeten himsa at a cullinary summit on Tatooine. Hissen clan happenen to be hosten itsa. Mesa never meeten hissen immediate family, but mesa met hissen nephew, Jawajuice, later. Mesa taken himsa on as an apprentice chef. Hesa had bombad talent! Hesa could maken an appetizen, non-fattening meal out of roadkill (in fact, thassen wassen hissen specialty - hesa wassen a little insane even then). Jawas were never good chefs, but wesa all tinken hesa would be a Master Chef before long - maybe even get a seat on der Chef Council.

But E'etooi wassen seduced by der Dark Side of Cuisine. Hissen meals became more and more unhealthy as time passen, and eventualally, hesa discovered der secret of maken food with 105% fat content. Itsa could have been a disaster, but wesa were lucky. Der power of der Dark Side of Cuisine wassen too much for himsa, and hesa wassen driven insane. Hesa goen back to Tatooine, to hissen family. Mesa never seein himsa again. Mesa gave up being a chef after that. How could mesa keep going? Mesa apprentice had become der greatest Dark Chef ever! Mesa had hopen hesa would never come back, that hesa would be happy on hissen homeworld, practising taxidermy on der roadkill hesa used to so elegantly cook. Mesa tinken hesa came back because hissen nephew, Jawajuice, became such a greater cook than hesa ever wassen. Now, hesa mussen be stopped.

Wesa hassen arriven at Tatooine. If anyone can hearen mesa, now would be a good time to come and helpen out!

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 5

2005-11-03T23:22:00.000+13:00

Yousa knowen what? Thissen noah such a bad idea after all! Mesa hassen been sellen deep-fried food for less dan two days, and mesa maken' a killing! Everyting goin' mesa way for some reason - most of der potato businesses of der galaxy be fallen' into mesa lap for noah apparent reasonen, der ones dat noah did hassen goin' bust, and theresa hassen been huge increasen in demand for fatty deep-fried food. Dat strange short guy with der glowing eyes, mesa seen himsa lots more times around der building. And every time hesa looken at mesa with hissen big, round eyes, thissen all seemen' like a better and better plan.

Mesa hassen noah been getten much of mesa paperwork done, but Senator Padme issen away on Naboo so shesa will noah noticen. Mesa far too busy at mesa computer, orchestraten potato companies and fast food stores across der galaxy. Issen almost-

*Jar Jar slumps over his keyboard. A diminuitive figure in a brown robe shuffles from the shadows towards him and begins typing*.

Well. It seems this tool has done his work well. McDooku's has strayed too far along the path of healthy reighteousness. Whatever happened to the old, brutal, - heehee - cholesterol-loving Darth Tyrannus will not happen again. Jar Jar Binks will rule the fast food empires of the galaxy as my puppet, while I can live in comfort here on Coruscant, stuffing - heehooha - roadkill to my heart's content (the trick is to wait until it has festered for at least a week - and my relatives call me insane). Soon, Qui-Gon and my infernal nephew Jawajuice will lose their brownie empire and- oh, bugger. They read this blog, don't they? Hmph. Well, I won't reveal any more of my - teeheehee - *brilliantly* maniacal plan here! I'll just leave my old master to his work... heehee!

*He retreats back into the shadows, and Jar Jar wakes up suddenly, oblivious to all that has happened*

*Phew*... mesa hassen berry bombad headache... mesa needen panadol...

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 4

2005-11-01T12:08:00.000+13:00

Mesa sorry mesa hassen noah posten for a while, but mesa hassen bein so busy! All dese potatoes to buy and sell and cook, with so many potato plantations on other planets to run... And mesa hassen mesa regular job doin' Senator Padme's paperworken, and sometimes some of hersa handmaidens pretenden to bein hersa (issen theirsa job, so theysa good at itsa) to tricken mesa into doin theirsa paperworken as well! *Huff* *Puff*

Someting berry suspicious happenen yesterday. Mesa wassen goin' to der convenience store down der street to getten some milk in der evening, and mesa meeten a short guy hidden in der shadows of an alleyway. Mesa would have missen himsa if hesa had noah callen out to mesa. Anyway, hesa suggesten dat mesa potato business could be better dan itsa issen now. Thissen pretty obvious to mesa. Der organizational structure issen in ruins, and half der potatoes issen rottin' in der fields.

But thissen guy suggesten someting else. Hesa tinken mesa potato company could really taken off if mesa sellen deep-fried tings. Fatty foods, like McDooku's usen. Der kind of tings dat given people cholesterol poisonin' and heart disease. Mesa sayen mesa would noah doin' thassen. But den, hesa looken mesa in der eye. Hissen eyes were big, round and glowed yellow. Issen really freaky, but when mesa looken in hissen eyes, hissen ideas seemen like a good plan after all. Mesa wassen berry scared den, so mesa hurryen off to get mesa milk. When mesa comen' back, hesa wassen gone.

Hmm... Hissen voice sounden strangely familiar...

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 3

2005-10-26T16:48:00.000+13:00

Everting hassen been goin' mesa way, recently. After mesa starten to maken more kinds of potato products, mesa hassen been sellen lots. And, mesa noah knowen why, but several potato plantations in der Ireland System hassen been goin' bankrupt all at once. Even stranger, all of theirsa land and resources issen bein' given to mesa! Mesa tinken thissen a bit suspicious... But at least mesa wierd luck issen good thissen time!

Probably, mesa should senden a few crates to Naboo. Theysa had a hurricane theresa a few weeks ago, but Senator Padme sayen that if mesa goin, mesa probably would maken itsa worse. Hmm. Shesa probably right. But anyway, der potatoes will helpen, mesatinks.

Ding! You've got mail.

More potato plantations goin bankrupt... And theysa bein' transferred to mesa as well... Why would thissen happenen? Mesa hassen noah really doin thassen much... Ah well. Issen noah important.

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 2

2005-10-24T21:38:00.000+13:00

Mesa hassen setten up mesa shop. Issen noah difficult - when mesa getten a new air-conditioner, itsa noah goin in der same place as der old one. So dere issen a hole in der wall where mesa old AC went. Der workmen sayen issen a "memento". Hmm. Well, mesa hassen taken der boards off der hole and starten sellen mesa potatoes out der "window". Of course, mesa customers requiren meticulolous preparation of der potatoes. Theysa mussen bein washen, and dryen, and sprayen with pesticide (noahone seemen to wanten potatoes thassen been near mesa, for some reason) and washen again, run through der spin cycle on Mrs Strudleheimen's washen machine, and finally autographen by famous Jedi Masters. Mesa finden itsa berry difficult. But mesa breaken even! Today, mesa maken a profit of... 2 credits! Well, until someone comen by to getten a refund (hesa sayen Fluke Starbucker issen noah a famous Jedi Master - hmph). Now mesa hassen noah profit, but noah expenses. Could be worse.

Of course, if mesa maken some nutritious low-fat potato chips to sellen...

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 1

2005-10-22T21:40:00.000+13:00

Mesa been putten up with itsa for a while now. But mesa can noah more. Mesa bedroom issen full of potatoes. Every since FOOF's decoraten spree. Mesa bath hassen been replacen. Mesa air conditioning issen noah longer tryen to kill mesa. But mesa still haven a terrarium instead of a bedroom. Mesa been sleepen in mesa fish tank for weeks. Someting mussen be doing. Mesa hassen come to a decision, jussen thissen afternoon.

Mesa gonna start sellen potatoes as a spare income source.

Yousa tinken mesa crazy? Well, thassen whatsa Senator Padme sayen. And Captain Typho. And Ani. And Obi. And mesa cousins back home on Naboo. Well... pretty much everyone mesa talken to. But since when hassen mesa caren about common sense? Mesa hearen of itsa, but itsa sounden like a load of hooey to mesa. Anyway, a nice small business sellen der potatoes from mesa bedside garden. Mesa will only sellen healthy foods, noah like der stuff thassen McDooku's *SPIT* issen famous for. Whatsa could happenen?

Note to self: read footnotes

2005-10-19T21:39:00.000+13:00

Okeyday... mesa class goin well today... up to a point. Usen' mesa cunning potion, mesa performen berry well. Mesa doin everyting with muy muy dexterity and grace. Den... der potion's effects wearen off. And mesa becomen even more clumsy than usual.

Itsa starten when wesa repeaten der lemon excersize from a couple of days ago. Der lemons slippen out of mesa hands and mesa getten lemon juice all over der floor. Mesa getten a paper towel to wipen itsa up, but mesa slippen over. Mesa knocken over der whole table, and glasses of lemon juice spillen everywhere and getten in people's eyes! Mesa wassen blinden by der citric acid, and runnen around flailing mesa arms and knocken into der co-ordinators. One of themsa haven a cigarette lighter, and... well...
To maken a long story short, mesa burnen down der building. Issen a small one... and issen noah berry good, since der Coruscant government issen stingy with thissen sort of ting... But still, mesa lucky mesa escapen before mesa wassen noticed.

Mesa haven a look at mesa potion book. Der consequences issen all listed in der footnote - der potion's effects issen reversed after theysa wearen off. To stop thissen from happenen, jussen adden a pinch of salt (complex solution?).

In summary... always readen footnotes. Theysa can getten yousa in a lot of trouble.

Mesa Free!

2005-10-18T17:47:00.000+13:00

Mesa sicken of der classes. Mesa only doin themsa anyway because of der court order. So, mesa tiken mesa gonna cheaten. Mesa looken up an ancient Gungan herbal remedy for clumsiness. Itsa noah looken so bad. Yousa noah even needen to summon der spirits to maken itsa work. And mesa haven all der ingredients with mesa. Eye of dewback, toe of fambaa, wing of mynock and tongue of bantha. Theysa all pretty standard ingredients. Theresa a little footnote at der bottom of der page about "terrible consequences" and a "complex solution". But mesa noah ever readen footnotes. Issen a waste of time.

Mesa brewen der potion now. Tomorrow, if issen potent enough, mesa should be able to do well in der remedial clumsiness class and getten out! Heh heh heh.

Jar Jar Binks on Shoelaces

2005-10-15T22:38:00.000+13:00

Mesa back in der terribible classroom again. Today wassen a lesson on tying shoelaces. Thissen issen one of mesa worst fears. Doctors hassen diagnosen mesa with someting theysa callen "fearoftyingshoelacesophobia" - der fear of tyen shoelaces. Yousa seein, mesa hassen muy muy difficulty in thissen. Mesa hassen been known to trippen over mesa shoelaces four times in a day.

Wesa starten with a simple bow. Simple. Over, under, around and through. Or wassen itsa under, through, over and around? Or mebbe around, over, through and under?

***Five minutes later***

Mesa getten itsa! Through, around, below, under, above, through, around, into an adjacent dimension and back again, around mesa neck, pullen itsa tight- urk!

***Five minutes later***

Ow... Mesa okeyday... Letten mesa seein... Over, under, around, through...
Mesa got itsa!
*Jar Jar stands up and steps forward, before falling flat on his froggy face*
Okeyday... so mesa noah supposen to tyen der shoes together.
Hmm. All der younglings issen finishen. Thissen berry bad, mesa tinks. Mesa gonna hiden in a corner for der rest of der day.

Mesa Been Taggen

2005-10-13T17:02:00.000+13:00

Captain Typho hassen "taggen" mesa. Issen berry strange, since every blogger whosa issen taggen has to taggen five other bloggers. Mesa tinken itsa would taken about two weeks before noahone could be doin anyting but taggen each other. Anyway, before taggen other people, mesa mussen answer some stupid questions.

Where were you ten years ago?
Ten years ago, mesa wassen on Naboo. Mesa had jussen getten back from Coruscant after der battle with der Federation du Trade, and wassen looken forwards to never goin theresa again. *Sigh*. How wrong mesa wassen.

Where were you five years ago?
Hmm. If mesa rememberen correctly, five years ago mesa wassen on Coruscant, stuck in a desk job. Der same desk job as mesa had four years before thassen.

Where were you one year ago?
...and der same desk job as mesa had four years later. Alphabetizing wildlife of der Chommel sector by der animals' scientific names. Senator Padme sayen issen wassen for a morale effort, or reinforcing hersa "clean green image" or someting like thassen. Hmm.

Where were you yesterday?
In a classroom full of younglings being squirted in der eyes with lemon juice.

5 snacks you enjoy
Fried frogs - but these issen often guarden by nasty storekeepers.
Watercress sandwiches
Raw shellfish
Scrambled Fambaa eggs
Twinkies

5 songs you know all the words to
To tellen der truth, mesa noah knowen all der words to any songs excepten der Republic National Anthem (the Star-Spangled Galaxy) and a berry funny song by Gungan Day called Nubian Idiot.

5 places to run away to
Kamino - der weather issen berry nice
Otoh Jahai
Mesa holiday home in der swamp near Otoh Gunga
Mon Calimari
Tatooine... yeah, right

5 items you would never wear
A suit
Pink-rimmed sunglasses with moons and stars on themsa
A wide-brimmed purple sunhat
A cow bell
A live parrot

5 biggest joys in your life
Getten mesa paperwork done
Getten mesa paperwork done
Getten mesa paperwork done
Getten mesa paperwork done
Getten mesa paperwork done

Your 3 favorite toys
Mesa bath
Mesa boomas
Mesa book of ancient mystic Gungan spells - berry useful, too

Now, mesa mussen taggen five other people. Hmm. Mesa tinken...

Noel of Neptonian
Fluke Starbucker
Leia Organa
Master Yoda's Stupid Intern
Siri Tachi

A Tale of Citrus-y Woe

2005-10-12T16:36:00.000+13:00

Today wassen mesa first clumsiness-recovery class. Issen wassen berry... painful. Der manager of der class issen a human lady whosa belongen in a kindergarten teachen der little kiddies... or in a mental asylum. Mesa noah catchen hersa name - all right, mesa ignoren itsa on purpose. But shesa noah goin to finden out mesa name... Mesa in a class with 7 and 8 year olds, mesa noah gonna usen mesa real name! Mesa callen mesaself Bink Bink Jars until mesa getten out of here.

Oursa task for thissen lesson wassen to squeezen der juice from five lemons into a glass. First, wesa cutten der lemons in half. Mesa almost losen a finger. Three times. Well, maybe itsa wassen four.

Okay, six.

Several slices and berry many bandaids later, mesa haven der halves of five lemons. Thassen mussen have been der hard part, right? Mesa picken up half a lemon and squeezen itsa. And mesa getten lemon juice in mesa eyes! Eeeaaargh!!! Mesa fallen over in pain, and smushen der lemon into mesa other eye. EEEAAARGH!!!
Der embarrassen bit issen noah really dat mesa failed, but dat all der younglings had noah problem.

Clumsiness

2005-10-11T18:25:00.000+13:00

Mesa getten in trouble for being clumsy again... Yousa seein', thissen mornen at der supermarket, mesa trippen over mesa robes and crashen into an old human woman. Shesa getten berry angry at mesa, because mesa maken hersa spillen all hersa shopping everywhere. Mesa tryen to help hersa picken itsa up, and mesa fallen over again on top of a milk bottle. Itsa bursten open and milk goin' everywhere. Mesa tryen to getten up but slippen in der milk and crashen into one of der shelves...

Mesa will noah boren yousa with der details - mesa issen now banned from WalMart. And worse, der old human lady mesa knocken down issen a Justice of der Coruscant Supreme Court! As punishment, mesa haven to attenden classes on bein' less clumsy. Mesa tryen to get out of it, but a court order issen hard to worm out of, and der judge wassen noah exactly impartial...

Mesa first lesson issen tomorrow afternoon. Der other people doin' der course issen all about eight years old - how embarrasen. Thissen even worse dan der time mesa letten all der sea monsters in Otoh Gunga Zoo escape into der wild and causen havoc, and letten mesa tellen yousa, thassen wassen bad.

Conisseur of Baths

2005-10-10T17:49:00.000+13:00

Mesa hassen hiren a real hardware guy to install a new air conditioner, next mesa needen a new bath. Right now, mesa only hassen a hole in der floor right above old Mrs Strudleheimen's washing machine downstairs. Mesa could take a bath with hersa laundry... but mesa tinken thassen a bad idea.

Now, mesa old bath wassen a wonder of high-techiness. Itsa could regulaten der temperature to within 0.1 degrees, and der pH to within 0.5 as well. Itsa could adden perfume to der water as well, but thassen only for special occaisions. Mesa goin' to der furniture district today, and mesa finden dat theresa issen noah actually any bath shops on Coruscant. Yousa can buyen baths from der general furniture shops, but theysa only sellen cruddy baths. Theysa issen just porcelain boxes with one tap each (one of themsa wassen a barrel with a showerhead glued to itsa - berry economic, sayen der shopkeeper).

Mesa needen a bath specialist (mesa old bath wassen a birthday present from mesa cousin, Jug Jug). So, mesa consulten der Yellow Pages. After mesa fingers had doin der walken for a little while, theysa getten tired so mesa letten mesa tongue do der walken. Anway, mesa finden dat dere issen one bath specialist - on der other side of Coruscant. Apparently, issen noah a berry lucrative business. So, mesa goin over theresa for der day.

Mesa finden dat thissen Mon Calimari bath salesmen had baths of every shape and size... and hesa had a bath dat wassen identical to mesa bath! Mesa asken where hesa getten itsa. Hesa pointen at a badge on hissen chest - "Honorary member of the Followers of Ol' Fluke" - and sayen dat some of hissen FOOF buddies hassen given itsa to him cheap, den hesa fixen itsa up like new.

Itsa wassen noah jussen identical to mesa old bath, itsa WASSEN mesa old bath! Mesa explainen thissen to himsa, but hesa noah listenen. So, mesa haven to payen 1000 credits jussen to get back mesa own bath.

Beaurocrats

2005-10-09T01:15:00.000+13:00

Senator Padme always complainen about beaurocrats. Shesa tinken theysa gummen up der political process like peanut butter. Or mebbe someting stronger, like superglue. Hmm. Thissen interesten, mesa will experimenten on thissen later.

Anyway, today mesa meeten one. Hesa wassen a twi'lek, with lots and lots of files and folders tucked under his arms. Hesa even usen hissen lekku to holden some forms. Hesa tellen mesa about hissen job. Every week, hesa mussen maken a report about Senator Padme's office, senden one copy back to ussen, one to Naboo, one to der supreme chancellor, make one more copy and shreaden itsa, keepen one copy and hiden itsa where noahone will ever finden itsa, and senden one copy to der Senator from Malastare (hesa noah knowen why, but hesa doin itsa anyway). Each one has to be stamped five times, but (hesa sayen) sometimes for a laugh (noah asken mesa) hesa stamps der one for der Malastare Senator six times. Hesa wierd.

And der tings in der report - well. Hesa sayen theresa issen noahting there. At der top of der page issen a heading - "Health and Safety Report - Naboo Senator's Office", and den noahting else on der page. Hesa sayen dat dere issen some forms dat hesa issen supposen to copy onto der report, but hesa never getten these forms - but itsa noah matteren, because noahone ever sayen anyting about itsa. Hesa sayen issen mesa job to fill out der forms and senden dem to himsa. Oh, those forms, mesa wassen jussen getten to those... *Picks up a form* Thissen one issen from... April last year. Hmm. Oh, forgetten itsa.

Cateren

2005-10-05T18:16:00.000+13:00

Sign - check.
Bad-quality microphone - check.
Food - check.
Knife - check.
Mesa apartment issen now a drive-through.

Mesa community service issen now binden me to providen meals to anyone driven past whosa wanten themsa. And mesa mussen given any meal theysa asken for, noah matter how outlandish der ingredients may be or how difficult der recipie issen.

A Mon Calimari asken mesa for filleted Opee Sea Killer on a soft sesame seed bun.
A Hutt asken for a vat of grease (ugh...).
Mesa wassen asken by a Toydarian (Bojaa recommenden mesa to himsa) to given himsa a deep-fried Sarlacc tentacle.
A whole busload of Humans asken mesa for roast Kaadu sandwiches.

Den, trouble striken.

A Zabrak asken mesa for a sandwich of Bantha steak, Acklay liver and Mynock drumsticks. Mesa searchen everywhere mesa could finden for der ingredients. Mesa turnen mesa apartment upside down. Mesa even stealthily hurryen down to der convenience store. But to noah availen. Eventually, mesa could noah maken der meal, and had to pay a 300 credit compensation fee.

Mesa knew mesa would need more bread!

Mebbe thissen a bad idea

2005-10-04T17:17:00.000+13:00

Mesa noah sure why Bojaa insisted dat removen der air conditioner would taken a handheld blaster cannon, but hesa der mechanic, noah mesa! Mesa a terribible mechanic. Hassen mesa ever tellen yousa about der time mesa flooden Otoh Gunga? Or crashen Boss Nass's heyblibber? Mesa gotta tellen yousa about thassen sometime.

Anyway, mesa figuren dat noah air conditioning issen better dan an air conditioner thassen tryen to killen mesa. So, under Bojaa's orders, mesa blowen itsa up. Der problem bein dat mesa kitchen now openen onto a major skyway, and mesa fridge issen leeken coolant directly out of der building.

*Apparantly*, issen illegal under Coruscant law to haven a kitchen with a hole leaden out of der building, because some of der motorists could be offended by der sight of mesa dinner. Der punishment issen community service: preparen a free meal for anyone whosa driven past mesa apartment in der time before der hole issen fixen. Strange law, mesa tinks. So, after mesa firen Bojaa and getten a new mechanic to replacen mesa air conditioner, mesa gonna haven to maken lots of food.

Fixen der air conditioning... Again

2005-09-30T17:29:00.000+12:00

Der doctors tellen mesa dat mesa haven a minor concussion, or someting. Mesa berry lucky, hesa sayen. Hmm. Mesa noah feelen lucky - Bojaa sayen dat der air conditioning issen noah fixen. And, mesa *did* cut der red wire. Hesa goin to have a looky. When hesa getten back, hesa sayen,
"You cut de crimson wire, you were supposed to cut de scarlet one, eh? Gungan mumblegrumblemumble..." Mesa noah hearen der last bit, but issen noah sounden friendly.

So, leaven der hospital and back to der apartment. Mesa staren at der air conditioner for ten minutes. Mesa could noah seein berry much, since mesa wassen looken at itsa from outside der room, since mesa could noah standen der heat. But mesa looken at itsa. Eventually, mesa getten Bojaa back.

What? Hesa berry cheap!

Thissen time, hissen plan issen to completely destroyen der air conditioner. With muy muy firepower.

Mesa hassen a bad feelen about thissen... Mesa starten to usen cliches! Ye gods, thissen bad!

Fixen der air conditioning

2005-09-29T17:09:00.000+12:00

Today, mesa fancyen some toast for mesa mornen munchen. But der toaster issen in der kitchen, and der kitchen - tanks to der work of FOOF - reminden mesa of Tatooine. Mesa wassen tinken yesterday mesa could copen with thissen. Guess what? Mesa noah can. So, mesa getten a repairman in. A Toydarian hardware dealer Yarael Poof recommenden to mesa - hissen name wassen Bojaa.

Of course, Yarael Poof issen haten mesa and only wanten mesa to sufferen.

Bojaa hovered into der kitchen, wipen der sweat off hissen forehead and hoveren back out.
"Toydaria is a swampy place, Toydarians don't like no heat, eh? I can't go in there, eh? You gotta go in there and follow my instructions to fix de air-conditioner."
"Mesa hassen hiren yousa because mesa comen from a swampy place as well! Mesa can noah fixen thissen!"
"Well, I know how to fix it, you don't, yah? It seems to me dat you have to do what I say, yah?"
"No. Absololutely not."

Five minutes later, mesa wassen in der kitchen, drinken cold water as fast as mesa could swallowen itsa and followen Bojaa's instructions.
"Cut de red wire first!"
BANG!!!
"De *red* wire!"
Thassen all mesa rememberen... mesa waken up in hospital four hours later.

Mesa Apartment

2005-09-27T16:51:00.000+12:00

So good bein home...
Aargh!

Mesa rememberen whatsa happenen before mesa leaven for Survivor: Tatooine - mesa bath broke, and mesa tryen to fixen it, and screwen up der plumbing. And most of der apartment. So, mesa contracten some renovators to fixen der place up while mesa gone. Of course, mesa noah bargainen on...
Der return of FOOF! Der "Followers Of Ol' Fluke"! Jawajuice had hissen apartment redecoraten by themsa a few weeks ago, but thassen wassen der recruiten division of FOOF. Mesa wassen luck enough to actually getten theirsa redecoraten division - theirsa names were Bric and Brack.

But thassen noah much help, since (oddly) der redecoraten division issen even worse at redecoraten dan der recruiten division.

Mesa bath issen gone. Der whole point wassen for themsa to fixen der bath, but theysa tinken issen easier to removen itsa. Dere issen noahting where der bath used to be, just a bath-shaped hole in der floor. So now mesa hassen a bird's-eye-view of mesa downstairs neighbour, old Mrs Strudleheimen's, washing-machine through der floor. Which issen jussen great, but noah berry helpful for taken a bath.

Meanwhile, mesa also specifyen for themsa to fixen der water damage to der rest of der apartment. Theirsa solution wassen to adjust mesa air-conditioning and dehumidifiers to levels thassen barely inhabitable by human standards, and Gungans issen muy less tolerant of heat and dryness. Sure, mesa kitchen issen noah longer in danger of rotting. But mesa can noah longer step into der kitchen without a sports hydration bottle. To maken itsa worse, theysa broke der controls, so mesa can noah fixen itsa.

And, der coup de grace, mesa bedroom floor hassen been coveren with compost and tilled for growen potatoes. Mesa hassen mixed feelings about thissen. As Bric tellen mesa, potatoes issen a wonderful vegetable for growen in der home, and providen an average Gungan with so-and-so percent of daily someting-or-other needs. And, as Brack sayen, der coolness and dampness of der soil will counteracten some of theirsa havoc in der indoor climate control system. However, mesa bed hassen been replacen with a toolshed.

Thissen bad.

Family Troubles: Finale

2005-09-26T21:43:00.000+12:00

Never again...
After wesa piloten der starfighters (er... about der starfighter - send der bill to Senator Padme) through der Federation du Trade ships to der Mackaneeck Control Ship, issen all starten to get pretty easy. But der flying part wassen bad enough.

Wesa got to der bridge of der ship easily, since der droids were all on theirsa much-valued lunch break. Hey - theysa got to refuel. Den, when mesa, Jug Jug, Can Can and Bottle Bottle enteren der bridge, wesa finden...

Noahone. Jussen a note from Tup Tup.

"To mesa ungreatful grandkids,
Yousa winnen thissen battle, but der war issen far from over. Nute Gunray tinken hesa wassen der boss of thissen plan; hesa issen stupid. Mesa true master issen hidden in der shadows, leaven no trace behind of hissen activities but a piece of badly stuffed roadkill. Yousa will noah escapen oursa wrath...
So long,
Tupaware Tupaware Binks."

How wude.

Well, besides Nute and Tup Tup escapen, issen all worken out pretty well. Bottle Bottle issen alive after all - so mesa noah needen to sorten out hissen will. Can Can and Jug Jug issen noah longer suspicious of each other. And now, mesa needen to getten back to mesa apartment. Mesa hassen noah been dere since Survivor: Tatooine starten! Mesa haten to tink what a mess der renovators leaven itsa in...

Family Troubles: Part 10

2005-09-22T17:49:00.000+12:00

How mesa getten into thissen...?
Mesa issen noah a pilot. Der last time mesa tryen to pilot anyting... well, yousa noah wanten to knowen.
But now, mesa issen in a Naboo starfighter. Headen to a Trade Federation conrol ship. Noo, noo, noo... Der good news: mesa hassen three other starfighters with mesa. Der bad news: der pilots issen Can Can, Bottle Bottle and Jug Jug. Theysa noah as clumsy as mesa... but der Binks family hassen a bad reputation.

About an hour ago, a big Republic ship arriven from hyperspace. Der Federation du Trade panicking, and mesa and Bottle Bottle escapen from oursa cell with hissen heavy-duty bolt-cutters (yousa never knowen when yousa needen themsa). Wesa sneaken out - mesa getten good at thissen, mesa only tripping five alarms on der way out. When wesa came up into Theed, Can Can and Jug Jug wassen waiten. To tell der truth, theysa noah seemen too happy to see Bottle Bottle alive. But theysa getten over itsa. Theysa leaden ussen to a hangar to "borrowen" some starfighters. Why mesa here? Why wesa even doin' thissen at all? Der Republic can handlen thissen! See, theysa hassen plenty of theirsa own starfighters. Theresa one right in front of mes- argh! Turn! Turn!
Phew...

So, wesa comen' up on der control ship now - to have revenge on der Federation du Trade for messen up oursa lives. Issen noah dat bad, issen itsa? Theresa noah need to taken itsa as a personal insult, issen dere? Hmm. Are those droid fighters? Theysa looken like droid fighters. Which one of thesen buttons is der gun? Ani tellen mesa about thissen all der time - der first time hesa fighten in a space battle. It's easy, hesa sayen. Just go with the flow, hesa sayen, and itsa will all comen to yousa. Den hesa callen mesa a dog. Hmm. Well, thissen looky like a gun...

Oops... mesa sorry, Can Can. Well, mesa sure shesa will doin' fine with one wing.

Family Troubles: Part 9

2005-09-21T18:07:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen been throwen in a cell. Issen damp, and cold: jussen der way mesa liken itsa!
Someone else issen here, too: Bottle Bottle! Hesa noah dead after all! Tup Tup mussen have faken itsa! Mesa knew wesa should never have payen for hersa acting classes... or der cover-up classes... or der unarmed killing classes... Hmm... der Binks family issen notorious for bad budgeting. Mesa hassen never understanden thissen up till now.

Anyway, grandpa Bottle Bottle hassen a plan. Hesa sayen dat dere issen a droid control ship hidden on der other side of Naboo's moon. Hesa plannen to taken over der ship! Wesa gonna needen to bust out of oursa cell, finden a shuttle and goin' up dere, at der risk of danger and death all der way! Mesa noah sure if mesa liken thissen plan, but wesa needen someting to do about thissen. Nute Gunray's plan issen pretty stupid, but if hesa getten impatient, hesa might bl0ckade Naboo again. Of course, mesa can do noahting about thassen. All mesa hassen with mesa is thissen internet-capable laptop computer with a contact range as far as der outer rim, der rank and authority to orderen a Republic cruiser into action, a bagful of boomas and a sling, Grandpa Bottle Bottle's pair of bolt cutters...

Wait a second.

Family Troubles: Part 8

2005-09-19T16:57:00.000+12:00

*After two days of concussion, Jar Jar awakes...*
Ooh, mesa head... Whatsa wassen happenen? Where issen mesa?
Mesa rememberen... Grandma Tup Tup taken mesa to Theed, to an underground complex somewhere. Mesa wassen blindfolded, so mesa noah knowen where in der city, but itsa issen definately Theed (itsa issen smellen human-ish).
Down there, mesa wassen lead into a dark hall, and mesa blindfold wassen taken off. There, Tup Tup introducen mesa to hersa master... Nute Gunray!
Mesa wassen... stunned. Why would Tup Tup ally with himsa, and whatsa wassen hesa wanten with Bottle Bottle's will?
Then, hesa revealen hissen sinister plan...
Issen noah a berry good one, mesa tinks.
"With the failure of our blockade on the planet of Naboo, the Trade Federation has become exceedingly angry at all the people of Naboo... including the Gungans. While we can strike at the Naboo themselves by attacking Senator Amidala, one of their most popular leaders ever-"
"Yousa hassen tryen and failen muy muy times. Yaaaawn."
"Shut up. I have decided that our revenge on the Gungans will be much more insidious... I will spread disharmony among them, with help from my servant, Tupaware Tupaware, and obliterate Gungan society as it stands. Muwhahahahaha!"
"Er... yousa issen only spreaden disharmony in mesa family."
"SILENCE, fool." Then, hesa adden defensively, "It is a long term plan."

Mesa supposen mesa should noah be worryen about thissen. But, mesa still confused. Tup Tup wasssen opposen der Trade Federation berry much when theysa attacken Naboo years ago. Why would shesa switchen sides?

Family Troubles: Part 7

2005-09-16T16:39:00.000+12:00

Today, mesa wassen riden across der grassy plains on a kaadu, with lots of grass unt big stone heads lyen' around. Mesa wassen headen to Theed, to getten a second opinion on der Bottle Bottle case...
Suddenly, out in der open, mesa wassen attacken by Mackineecks! There wassen three of themsa, and only one of mesa, and mesa haven noah boomas!
Mesa putten up mesa hands... And Tup Tup Binks walken out from behind a big stone head, with a remote in hersa hand. Mesa grandmother Tup Tup wassen tryen to killen mesa with der Mackineecks!
"Yousa tinken yousa gonna finden out whatsa happenen to Bottle Bottle," shesa sayen. "Well, yousa noah going to!"
"Wait! Wait!" mesa sayen - mesa noah wanten to dyen! "Er... if yousa letten mesa liven, mesa will... uh... joinen yousa!" Thissen always worken with bad guys for some reason.
"Hmm... Mesa supposen mesa can letten yousa live... for now. Yousa issen mesa grandson after all... But if yousa bein tricksy..." Shesa drawen hersa finger across hersa neck. Mesa getten der message.

Thissen explainen a lot. Der fluffy pink cardigan mesa wassen nearly suffocaten with issen a berry grandmotherish weapon of assasination, and issen just like Tup Tup to use bad plastic to maken a bomb.

So, mesa wassen blindfolden and taken somewhere, but mesa noah knowen where. Issen dark. Muy dark. But Tup Tup sayen shesa gonna introducen mesa to hersa master soon... Mesa gotten a bad feeling about thissen.

Family Troubles: Part 6

2005-09-14T16:35:00.000+12:00

*Jar Jar slaps his forehead*
Duh!
Looky, looky!

To Jug Jug Binks, I leave my harmonica, which I know he loves to play and listen to.
To Jar Jar Binks, I leave my engagement ring, since I had once promised he could have it.
To Can Can Binks, I leave my lemon-tree orchard.
To Tup Tup Binks, I leave a pound of my finest whiskey.
!!!

Thissen berry disturbing... itsa suggesten dat Bottle Bottle issen still alive and needen help! But who would try to faken hissen death? And why leaven himsa alive? Mesa muy muy worried about thissen. Mesa hassen deciden to showen thissen to noahone, or der criminal among ussen may hunten mesa down...

Family Troubles: Part 5

2005-09-13T17:04:00.000+12:00

Can Can wassen now mesa primary suspect, since shesa wassen "conveniently" saven from der investigation by der bomb in mesa bongo. Now, mesa can noah be botheren to go to Otoh Jahai today, so mesa taken a trip to mesa grandmother, Tupaware Tupaware Binks's house.

Mesa ideas issen always goin badly for some reason.

Mesa climben out of mesa bongo and swimmen across der front yard to der main bubble of hersa house. Jussen when mesa wassen about to knocken on der door... boom! Issen exploden! Mesa getten tired of explosions now. Tup Tup issen okay, shesa wassen down at der fish market. In der wreckage, mesa finden another version of der will, definately in Bottle Bottle's handwriting.

To Jug Jug Binks, I leave my harmonica, which I know he loves to play and listen to.
To Jar Jar Binks, I leave my engagement ring, since I had once promised he could have it.
To Can Can Binks, I leave my lemon-tree orchard.
To Tup Tup Binks, I leave a pound of my finest whiskey.
!!!

Mesa tinken thissen an odd will. Mesa noah knowen what der exclamation marks at der end are for, whiskey issen noah measured in pounds, and mesa wassen promised Bottle Bottle's wedding ring, noah hissen engagement ring. Whatsa yousa tinken?

Family Troubles: Part 4

2005-09-12T20:27:00.000+12:00

Der ting issen, people noah liken mesa berry much. Mesa noah knowen why. But mesa would appreciaten itsa if theysa STOP TRYEN TO KILLEN MESA!!!
Today, mesa goin over to investigaten Can Can Binks's house on der outskirts of Otoh Jahai. Now, mesa issen noah a mechanic, but mesa tinken someting issen suspicious if mesa bongo BREAKS DOWN IN DER MIDDLE OF A NEST OF COLO CLAW FISH!!! Thissen bongo issen a berry good bongo. Issen serven mesa well for ages. But today, right now, issen suspicious dat itsa breaken down at thissen exact moment. Mesa also tinken issen suspicious dat der AA crew finden evidence of sabotage - a bomb.
Anyway, yousa probably wanten to hearen about mesa miraculous escape, no?

Coruscant Blogger's Association Official Notice
A survey of our readers has confirmed that most of them would prefer to think that Jar Jar did not escape at all, and live on in blissful ignorance of his continued existance.

Shut up.
Mesa managen to getten away by pushing random buttons on der control console, screamen, and ringen up der Gungan Grande Army to comen and saven mesa. Admittedly, issen noah berry heroic... But thassen noah matteren!

Anyway, mesa never actually getten to Can Can's house today... Closer investigation revealen dat der bomb wassen made of poor-quality plastic. Hmm... Could thissen be a clue?

Family Troubles: Part 3

2005-09-11T20:30:00.000+12:00

Mesa stoppen by cousin Jug Jug's house today. Mesa wassen haven to looken for copies of der will dere, and interestenly, mesa finden a fragment of der will sayen dat Grandpa Bottle Bottle wassen leaven everyting to Jug Jug! Can Can accusen himsa of planten itsa so hesa would getten everyting, and Jug Jug accusen *hersa* of planten itsa so dat itsa would looken like hesa killen Bottle Bottle. Issen so berry confusen... Itsa issen noah helpen dat Bottle Bottle wassen a hermit for der last ten years of hissen life, so hesa hassen noah home to searchen.

Also, mesa hassen been here less dan a week, and someone hassen already tryen to killen mesa! As mesa wassen swimmen out of Jug Jug's house, mesa wassen hit in der face by a huge pink woollen jersey! Issen noah funny! Mesa seein yousa laughing out dere! Mesa wassen almost suffocated, but mesa managen to getten itsa off. Thissen issen disturben...

Family Troubles: Part 2

2005-09-10T20:37:00.000+12:00

Itsa seemen dat mesa noah gotten der whole story in mesa e-mail. Yousa seein, mesa cousin Jug Jug Binks tinken dat Bottle Bottle dyen of a heart attack. But mesa cousin Can Can Binks issen disagreein. Shesa tinken dat Jug Jug murderen himsa! And mesa grandmother Tup Tup (Tupaware Tupaware - yousa can seein why wesa shortenen hersa name) just wants to getten on with life and worken out der will.
As well as dividen up Bottle Bottle's will, theysa wanten mesa to investigaten hissen death. Ow.

Der will as issen standen:

To *garbled mess of illegible handwriting* I leave my collection of sea monster eggs.
To Jug Jug Binks, I leave my silver teapot.
To Can Can Binks, I leave *also illegible*
To Tup Tup Binks, I leave my second-best raincoat (the blue one with the pom-poms)
To Jar Jar Binks, I leave... uh... this bit of pocket lint.

Mesa tinken mesa issen cut out a bit. But, mesa hassen been asken to find another copy of der will. Everyone sayen dat thissen mussen just be a first draft, since so much issen missing.

Family Troubles: Part 1

2005-09-08T16:50:00.000+12:00

Mesa back home again! Issen been months since mesa wassen here last time, and mesa noah goin to seein any of mesa family thassen time. Thissen issen whatsa thissen visit issen about.Yousa seein, mesa great-grandfather, Bottle Bottle Binks, hassen dyin. Mesa hassen been callen back to Naboo because hissen last will unt testament issen incomplete, and *mesa* hassen got power of attourney! Even worse, hesa wassen berry rich (well... rich for a gungan). Mesa relatives issen all squabbling over hissen wealth. Mesa issen goin tomorrow morning to finden out der situation.

Leaven Tatooine!

2005-09-07T16:48:00.000+12:00

Well, mesa hassen finally been voten off der planet. Itsa wassen gonna happenen eventually. Now, mesa waiten at der Mos Eisly Interstellar Spaceport for der ship back to Coruscant. Bo-ring.

DING! You've got mail.

Hmm, wassen issen thissen?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Hmmm.
Uh-hu-hu-hu-wha?
Oh dear.

Changen of plans. Mesa noah goin to Coruscant. Mesa rebooken mesa flight and goin to Naboo. Der tickets issen cheaper to Naboo anyway.

Reminden mesa to noah setten up booby traps.

2005-09-04T20:49:00.000+12:00

Der repo toydarians came today. Itsa could have been worse, actually. Theysa came by, hovering with theirsa wings... Of course, theysa haven wings, so mesa spike pits were noah use. But den, just as theysa were about to enter der cave, Count Dooku wandered out.

Der traps mesa had setten on der mouth of der cave fired off, and hit himsa with loads of boomas. Hesa swearen, den stumblen out of der cave and into mesa spike pits. Mesa tinken itsa hurten quite a lot. Den, itsa getten worse. Der same ting with der boomas and spike pits happenen to Fluke and Captain Typho. Mesa stayen out of theirsa way for a while.

But, itsa issen noah all bad. Der toydarians had a video camera, and theysa filmen der whole ting happenen. Theysa sayen itsa wassen berry funny, and dat theysa would accepten itsa as payment instead of der stuff mesa stole.
And den, mesa turnen around to walken back inside. *Sigh* Mesa really should remember where mesa putten der spiked pits... ow...

A Cunning Plan

2005-09-04T20:29:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen figuren out how to dealen with der repo toydarians. Mesa can builden a series of traps for themsa. Mesa plan issen to booby trap der entrance of der cave with mesa boomas. Of course, thissen may noah be enough. Toydarians issen immune to mind-tricks, so theysa may be shock-proof as well. Issen noah likely. But stranger tings hassen happenen.
So, mesa hassen backup. Mesa gonna builden pits full of spikes outside der cave. Deep ones, dat theysa noah can climben out of. And to toppen der whole ting off, mesa will letten themsa samplen some of mesa potions. Even mesa noah knowen what some of themsa doin!

Mesa will letten yousa knowen how thissen goin.

Der Repo Department Striken Back!

2005-09-03T23:58:00.000+12:00

A couple of weeks ago, wesa wassen stayen at Watto's hotel as a reward for a challenge on Survivor: Tatooine. Issen wassen muy muy luxurious. Anyway, mesa wassen adheren here to der ancient Nubian/Gungan custom of freeloaden. Der principle issen dat yousa can taken anyting complementary out of a hotel and keepen itsa as yousa own. Der *art* issen in yousa creative definitions of "complementary" - mesa personal favorite issen "anyting in a hotel thassen noah nailed down".
Of course, Watto issen berry cheap.

Today, two berry big toydarians came by oursa cave. Theysa sayen theysa wassen from Watto, and dat theysa were goin' to taken back all der stuff mesa taken from der hotel. Ulp. Mesa sayen mesa noah knowen what theysa were talken about. Den, theysa showen mesa a security camera photo of mesa, carryen all der stuff mesa nicken from der hotel. Theysa sayen dat theysa had a list of all der stuff, but theysa could noah bringen itsa because issen too long to carryen. Thissen *usually* bad.

Mesa hassen two days to returnen itsa all. But mesa can noah rememberen everyting! And mesa mussen have taken seven thousand packets of neutrogena to helpen mesa last in der desert sun - mesa hassen almost none left!

Still Here

2005-08-30T16:28:00.000+12:00

Mesa really wassen tinken mesa would have been voten off Survivor: Tatooine before now, since lots of people tinken mesa annoyen. But mesa issen still here. And, while mesa managen to stealen loads of moisturiser from Watto's hotel a week ago, mesa runnen out again now. See, wesa were each allowed to taken a luxury item with ussen. Mesa choosen a gallon of moisturiser. Mesa realisen now dat mesa issen needen much much more. Mesa hassen tryen t0 maken magical moisturiser, but der ingredients issen berry hard to get, particularly on Tatooine. Der only choice leaven to mesa issen to hide in oursa cave all day. Der good news issen, wesa won a home entertainment system in one of der challenges. But theresa issen only so many times mesa can losen on der first level of all thesen video games before theysa getten boring.

Mesa hassen turnen now to art. Either that, or issen madness. Mesa issen drawing cave paintings. Mesa showen some of mesa paintings to other people. Mesa showen mesa picture of a kaadu to Count Dooky.
"I say, old chap, is that a geriatric woman with back pain?"
"No, issen a kaadu."
'Oh... never mind."
Thissen issen discouragen mesa... but mesa will perseveren. There issen noahting else to doin.

Thissen Issen Why

2005-08-29T17:27:00.000+12:00

Many people issen always asken mesa why der gungans talken like thissen. A lot of people issen tinken wesa issen annoyen - mesa noah tinken thissen fair. Thissen how wesa getten oursa accents.

Der reason wesa adden "-sa" to der end of each pronoun issen simply because wesa respectful. Yousa seein, "sa" issen a shortened form of der word "san", which issen used on der planet Japan, unt meanen "mr." or "ms." - excepten theysa adden itsa to names, unt wesa usen itsa for pronouns.
Wesa sayen "thissen", "issen", unt "thassen" because wesa issen berry superstitious. Yousa seein, snakes eaten frogs, and wesa issen like frog-people. So, wesa issen berry worried dat der snakes will come and eaten ussen all up. Wesa mussen maken hissen sounds in order to convincen der snakes dat wesa issen also snakes. Noah laughen! Itsa might happenen!
For almost all negatives, wesa usen der word "noah" instead of words like "no" or "not". Thissen because when wesa trippen over or someting - which issen happenen often, though mesa issen berry clumsy even for a gungan - wesa shouten "aargh!", particularly if wesa trippen over a cliff and plumetten into der depths. Since many people often sayen "no" when a bad ting happenen, wesa combinen der two words - "noah" and usen itsa all der time.

Mesa hopen thissen hassen clearen up some misconceptions about gungan accents.

Hurry hurry hurry...

2005-08-25T17:29:00.000+12:00

Mesa quickly hassen to finden a way to reversen der spell dat turnen mesa into a kaadu! Der next challenge starten in five minutes!!! Letten mesa seein... some of thissen, some of thassen, ooh, thissen smells good, putten itsa in for flavour...
Thissen issen der traditional way of createn new potions - mixen in random combinations of ingredients. If mesa hadden der time to contacten der spirits of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, mesa would asken themsa to helpen choosen der ingredients, but MESA HASSEN FOUR MINUTES to restore mesa gungan shape!

Fillet of a ysalamir,
In the cauldron boil and fear;
Eye of hutt, and toe of bursa,
Wool of wookiee, and tongue of bantha,
Acklay's claw, and sarlacc's sting,
Dewback's leg, and mynock's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble,
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble...

*Jar Jar looks down at himself*

YES! WHOOHOO!
Mesa goin now!

Jar Jar Binks vs Yarael Poof: Part 4 - The Conclusion!

2005-08-23T17:10:00.000+12:00

Continued from Yarael Poof's blog...

Jar Jar has just shattered the potion bottle slipped to him by Chancellor Palpatine, causing the solution inside to run its dire course... But nothing happens.
Palpatine: No! You were supposed to *drink* it!
Jawajuice: Hmm...
Runs over to sniff it.
Jawajuice: This is no potion! This is Nar Shadda whisky! If I know my liquor, then drinking this would've caused Jar Jar to belch flame for weeks!
Palpatine: Thus incinerating Poof - killing a Jedi Master and implicating one of those backstabbing Mabbit tribe of his murder in one fell swoop, I might add...
Everyone looks at him.
Palpatine: Did I say that out loud?
Exit Palpatine.
Yarael: Can we get on wit' de duel, or do jah got to be yakkin' for a while longer?
Jawajuice: Well... I'm afraid not. In the event of ouside intervention, such as Palps giving Jar Jar that "potion", we have to call it a draw.
Yarael: What!?
Exit Yarael, fuming.
Jar Jar: Er... whatsa - bawk buckarck - about mesa?
Jawajuice: There must be a spell in your Gungan tradition to reverse this one!
Jar Jar: Mesa haven to doin researchen... bawk!
Exit Jar Jar, still a kaadu.
Jawajuice: Hey! Wait! Jar Jar, you've just turned ninety square feet of desert into marshmallows! What am I going to do about this? Oh, forget it, I'll just sell the marshmallows to my family...
Exit Jawajuice.

The end.
Palpatine: Oh no... this is just the beginning...

Jar Jar Binks vs Yarael Poof: Part 2

2005-08-22T21:59:00.000+12:00

Continued from Yarael Poof's blog...

Jawajuice: This looks bad for Jar Jar - Yarael's voodoo has him helpless!

Jar Jar struggles to his feet and takes a potion bottle from his bag.

Jar Jar: Try thissen on for sizen!

He hurls the bottle, which explodes at Yarael's feet, releasing a delicate lavender scent into the air.

Yarael: Argh! How did jah know I'm allergic to lavender, mon?

Yarael begins sneezing violently, which, since his noses are in his hands, causes him to drop the voodoo doll (and get it covered in snot). Jar Jar takes advantage of Yarael's fit to prepare a spell, and begins throwing herbs around at random.

Jar Jar: Ancient spirits of der gungans... transformen thissen sand into...

Jawajuice: What the - marshmallows?

Jar Jar: Oops...

He struggles to maintain his balance in the sea of marshmallows and falls over. One of his potion bottles bursts and explodes, creating a cloud of pink smoke. When the smoke clears...

Jar Jar: Bawk! Bawk! Buck-karck!

Jawajuice: And... he's turned himself into a kaadu. Typical. Ladies, gentlemen, and miscellaneous arthropods, Jar Jar Binks has turned himself into a Kaadu.

Continued tomorrow on Yarael Poof's blog...

Preparen for der duel

2005-08-21T18:23:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen gotten mesaself into a fight! Yarael Poof der Voodoo Jedi issen claimen dat hissen voodoo issen der best kind of magic in der galaxy. Mesa will noah standen for thissen! Mesa mussen standen up for der ancient Gungan shamanistic traditions!
So, mesa goin to der Mos Eisly market to getten ingredients for mesa nasty potions. But while mesa dere, someting strange happenen...

Jar Jar walks down an alley, carrying a bagful of herbs and potion ingredients. As he passes by a shadowed doorway, a figure cloaked in black steps out.
Mysterious Man: You there, I would have a word with you.
Jar Jar (looks round, confused): Mesa?
Mysterious Man: - What does the moron mean, is there anyone else around? - Yes, you, sir. You are fighting a duel against the voodoo master Yarael Poof, are you not?
Jar Jar: Yah! Mesa gonna muy muy pasten himsa! Issen noah a fight to der death, but hesa will wishen itsa issen!
Mysterious Man: Well, take this. (hands Jar Jar a corked bottle filled with a purple liquid) This should ensure your victory if you drink it at the right moment.
Jar Jar: Er... tanken yousa! (puts the bottle in his bag) Bye bye now!
Mysterious Man: Yes, farewell. (exit Jar Jar, the cloaked man laughs and lowers his hood)
Palpatine: All too easy.

To Keep A Gungan Cool

2005-08-19T19:51:00.000+12:00

Since mesa hassen haven no requests for mesa shaman lore thissen week, mesa hassen spenden der time on tryen to finden a way to keepen mesaself cool on Tatooine. Sadly, there issen noah real solution without importen ingredients.

Der best way mesa can tinken of goin like thissen.

1. Taken 1/2 a cup of Tauntaun blood, noah more, noah less.
2. Mixen thissen thouroughly with 1 cup of neutrogena.
3. Crush a wampa horn into fine powder, then mixen thissen into der concoction.
4. Adden 3 cups of water.
5. Drinken itsa. Yes, issen disgusten. But itsa issen medicinal. DRINKEN ITSA! 1/2 a cup per day will do.
6. Each day, yousa mussen cover yousaself completely in Naboo swampy mud (after yousa drinken yousa mixture).

Thissen ancient remedy will keepen yousa cool. For mesa, there issen little hope. Unless mesa can finden der ingredients in der casino wesa stayen at as a reward on Survivor...

A Warning

2005-08-18T16:42:00.000+12:00

Anonymous said...
Jared Moshe's weblog: guilty pleasureI don't tend to refer to my job much in this blog. Today I'm going to make an exception.You've put up a nice information site here. Thank you.I've tried to set up a arthritis pain relief site/blog. It pretty much covers arthritis pain relief related things.Come and check it out if you get time :-

Anonymous said...
What's a splog?The media and some blog search engines have gotten excited about counting the number of blogs in the blogosphere.Visit credit card debt relief nonprofit about credit card debt relief nonprofit related stuff.

Anonymous said...
Fujitsu to test kid-tracking system using QR codesPosted Aug 17, 2005, 3:25 PM ET by Marc Perton Related entries: Misc. Gadgets , Wireless Lest you think RFID is the only technology being used in Japan to track kids, Fujitsu is testing a system that can store ...I liked your blog, check out mine sometime.I have a credit site/blog. It pretty much covers credit related stuff.

Anonymous said...
Thank you for this excellent blog. Keep it going.Here's a subject that interests many; cartoon animalsI hope you enjoy the subject cartoon animals
Mesa blog issen NOAH FOR ADVERTISEN!!!
Yousa can usen mesa comments to advertise yousa %$^& products all yousa like, but yousa mussen first knowen dat mesa hassen a controversial method of dealen with spam. Mesa will finden yousa e-mail address and SPAMMEN YOUSA RIGHT BACK!!!
Yousa hassen been warnen. Haven a nice day.

Whatsa Mesa Doin Now?

2005-08-16T17:33:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen been all around Mos Eisly, and mesa hassen found no-onesa whosa will swappen whatsa issen left of mesa moisturisen cream for a nice hood or someting. Issen noah goin to be long before mesa skin issen cracken in thissen *heat*! Mesa issen goin to needen to researchen a Gungan mystic solution to thissen, there mussen be a potion for thissen, somewhere.

Mesa gonna be late for de challenge! Mesa gotta runnen!

Aak...

2005-08-15T16:53:00.000+12:00

Mesa moisturisen cream issen almost gone. Mesa brought a gallon with mesa, but issen noah enough! Der sun issen murder on mesa skin: mesa would noah have surviven thissen long without der moisturiser. Anyway, mesa wassen haven only a few days worth left, so thissen mornen mesa taken itsa along to Mos Eisly to see what mesa can swappen itsa for. Mesa wanten a hood or someting: someting to protecten mesa from der sun on a longo-term basis.

At der markets, mesa finden dat itsa wassen worth enough cloth to maken a Jawa-sizen robe. Wesa Gungans issen berry tall, unt der Jawas (no offensen to Jawajuice) issen peeny-weeny. Issen noah going to helpen. Thissen issen in der general cloth markets. All der shops issen offeren roughly der same deal. Not goin to worken.

Mesa wassen also accosted in der street by a Jawa who wassen wanten mesa to buy a Bantha. Hesa sayen dat whatsa wassen left in der tub of moisturiser wassen enough to cover it. Mesa wassen suspicious of thissen Bantha. Itsa reminden mesa of Bob, der Bantha dat Yoda wassen tryen to present for der scavenger hunt last week (http://survivortatooine.blogspot.com/2005/08/yoda-bob-bantha.html) so mesa noh buyen thissen.

Mesa last stop wassen to a Twi'lek "Massage Parlor". Apparently, thesen Twi'leks issen berry conscious about theirsa skin. Moisturisen cream issen worth itsa weight in gold to themsa. Unfortunately, theysa hassen berry few clothes to offeren in trade. So, thissen wassen a dead end as well.

Tatooineian natives (JJ, Ani, Owen Lars, anyonesa) please helpen mesa finden someone who will buyen thissen off mesa for a nice sunhat or someting!

Once upon der time...

2005-08-14T18:00:00.000+12:00

Gatheren round. Mesa gonna tellen yousa a story.

Thissen wassen happenen when mesa wassen on Coruscant for der first time, when Naboo wassen bein attacken by der Federation du Trade. But, mesa wassen noah bein needed much. So mesa wassen goin to getten some mornen munchen. Mesa goin to a cafe near der senate house for food. Theysa were noah haven shellfish... but theysa did haven coffee and chocolate biscuits... mmm...
Anyway, mesa buyen a cappuchino unt a packet of biscuits unt a newspaper and sitten down at a table. Der cafe wassen crowden, and der only seat mesa could finden wassen at a small table with a person already sitten there. Hesa wassen Cerean; hesa wassen haven a big tall head. So mesa sitten down and putten mesa stuff on der table, and drinken some of mesa coffee. Then, hesa openen der packet of biscuits, taken one out and eaten itsa! Mesa wassen outraged, but whatsa could mesa sayen? Mesa took a biscuit and eaten itsa mesaself. Then hesa taken another one! Mesa could noah really sayen anyting now, after noah haven sayen anyting der first time. Wesa goin through der entire packet like thissen. Mesa taken one, hesa taken one, mesa taken one, hesa taken one.

Den, when der packet of biscuits wassen finished, hesa looken mesa in der eye and waven hissen hand and sayen, "Hey, mon, jah don't remember a ting. Don't worry, be happy. I didn't just steal jah biscuits, mon." Then, hesa leaven. If thissen wassen himsa usen der force, mesa issen noah berry impressed.

Wait, no. Thissen issen noah whatsa happenen. *Now* mesa rememberen. Hesa getten up and leaven when der packet wassen finished. Den, mesa getten up as well and picken up mesa newspaper. Underneath wassen *mesa* packet of biscuits. At least, mesa tinken thissen whatsa happenen. Mesa memory issen fuzzy.

Theysa liken mesa, theysa liken mesa not.

2005-08-12T21:45:00.000+12:00

General Grievous hassen asken mesa how to tellen if der spirits issen liken yousa. Mesa noah sure why, but hesa hassen hissen reasons, mesa sure. Der easiest way issen to observe yousa luck over a long period of time. Iffen yousa issen generally a lucky person, der spirits liken yousa. Simple.

But, if thissen seemen a bit murky, there issen other methods yousa can tryen.

Another indicator issen dat often, bein liken by der spirits tends to coinciden with force-bombadness. Issen noah always happennen, but itsa issen common.
Placen an apple on yousa head, and getten a friend to shooten itsa off with a Wookiee bowcaster. Examinen der remains of der apple. Iffen itsa issen neatly in two pieces, der spirits liken yousa. Iffen itsa hassen been broken into more, den theysa noah liken yousa so much. If yousa friend misses and killen yousa, either der spirits haten yousa, or yousa friend does.
Mesa personal favorite issen to plucken der petals of a daisy one by one, cooken themsa all in a stew with carrots, peas, mushrooms and der petals of a four-leafed clover, den eaten itsa. If itsa issen tasten good, der spirits smilen upon yousa.
Of course, if der next time yousa issen unconscious, yousa happenen to meeten themsa in a vision, yousa may simply asken themsa yousaself.

Or yousa could tryen all of thessen methods. Theirsa accuracy hassen been proven.

Mesa Fiftieth Post!!!

2005-08-11T17:48:00.000+12:00

Recently, Yoda wassen haven hissen 100th post on hissen blog. A muy muy grande achievement thissen issen. Mesa woulden liken to sayen thassen, just to recognisen itsa.

Today, mesa can sayen dat mesa issen halfway - 50 posts. Issen hassen noah been easy, but mesa hassen d0ne itsa. Mesa would liken to thanken all der people who hassen contributen to der 2066 hits mesa blog hassen had. Thanken yousa all.

Issen also mesa birthday today. Mesa can noah spenden itsa on Naboo, since mesa issen here on Tatooine. But mesa can spenden itsa with mesa friends in der Mabitt Tribe of Survivor: Tatooine - Qui-Gon, Aayla, Fluke, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, and Leia. Today issen oursa third challenge victory runnen. Itsa hassen been muy great knowen yousa all.

Voten Issen Completen

2005-08-09T18:11:00.000+12:00

Bye, Obi. Hmm. Yousa knowen, if mesa had noah voten for himsa, hesa would noah have been voten off. Itsa mussen be der way der spirits wanten itsa. But maybe der spirits issen wrong...? No - thissen noah can be. Itsa mussen be der plan. Mesa mussen trusten in der spirits... Mesa mussen bein strong.

Der Voten Offen

2005-08-07T19:21:00.000+12:00

Eeny meeny miney mo, sorry, but you've got to go, eeny meeny miney mo...

Mesa berry sorry, Obi. But itsa issen out of mesa hands.

Jar Jar's Cauldron...

2005-08-05T22:15:00.000+12:00

Excepten, issen noah really a cauldron, since wesa issen on Tatooine. Mesa usen a conveniently shaped rock, but issen still good. Issen Friday, so mesa will be teaching yousa about Gungan mystical traditions. Thissen week, Captain Typho hassen asken mesa to demonstraten how to maken love potions. Here wesa goin...

There issen many different recipies for love potions, since Gungans hassen been maken themsa for millennia. Mesa will shown yousa how to maken something with ingredients yousa can finden on Tatooine.
Yousa needen yousa cauldron (or rock), someting to heaten yousa potion, some water (where mesa gonna getten thatsa?), h'kak beans (theysa issen bright orange - hard to missen), some sprigs of markan herb (thissen maken yousa go "whee!"), mumergy sprigs (yousa mussen be careful - Jabba der Hutt coveten thissen plant 'cause itsa issen maken berry good booze), unt three or four pallies (yousa can buyen themsa at der Tatooine markets).
Add der beans to der cauldron unt heat itsa till almost boiled. Thissen will diffuse der flavours through der water.
Shred der herbs unt drop themsa into der cauldron.
Squeezen der juice of der pallies into der mixture. Yousa mixture issen now complete.
Now, yousa needen to adden der magic. Writen on a piece of paper der name of yousa potion's intended target. Rip itsa in two pieces. Eaten half of itsa, unt dump der other half in der cauldron.
Leave itsa to simmer for three hours. Den, feeden itsa to yousa target.

Thissen *should* worken.

Hangover

2005-08-02T17:21:00.000+12:00

Ooo...err... mesa head.... Yousa tinken dat normal hangovers issen bad, yousa tryen Tusky Raider beer.... theysa issen noah bad people, once yousa getten to know themsa. Ani killed themsa all, but mesa sure theysa will getten better. Der problem issen... mesa knowen about fifty ancient mystic Gungan hangover cures, but while mesa actually *haven* a hangover, mesa can rememberen noah one of themsa! Oo-er...

Heh heh...

2005-08-01T16:54:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen realisen something. People issen finden mesa annoyen. Lots of people sayen mesa issen ruinen Star Wars, and dat Mr Lucas should noah have putten mesa in. Hmph. Whatsa do theysa knowen? Star Wars issen a documentary series. People whosa watchen documentaries for entertainment issen *wierd*, mesa sayen.

Anyway, yousa maybe tinken itsa bad to beein annoyen. Noah necessarily so. If yousa hassen been capturen by easily irritated Tusky Raiders, who soon starten to wanten yousa gone because yousa issen so annoyen... Heh heh. Hence der title of mesa post. Theysa noah can just kill mesa (phew) because mesa explainen to themsa that mesa spirit would haunten themsa for eternity. Issen lucky mesa knowen about mystical stuff. Maybe mesa could becomen theirsa shaman... Nah. Anyway, mesa just hassen to annoy themsa a bit longer...

Oh no... mesa fish paste.

2005-07-31T16:20:00.000+12:00

Mesa goin out for FIVE MINUTES, and mesa bein kidnapped! *grumbles in irritation* Der tusky raiders issen noah berry friendly, and mesa tinken theysa wanten to cooken mesa. OW! Keepen yousa gaffi stick to yousaself! How wude. Mesa hassen deciden dat tryen to briben themsa with coffee issen a useless task. Oh well... at least if mesa getten back, wesa can drinken itsa oursaselves. If mesa ever getten back.

If der tusky raiders cooken mesa, mesa leaven mesa official robes to Senator Padme, mesa moisturisen cream to Kit Fisto, mesa stock of coffee beans on Courscant to Aayla, mesa boomas and sling to Captain Tarpals on Naboo, mesa copy of "Gungan Mystical Traditions Through the Ages" to Captain Typho, mesa apartment to Qui-Gon and Jawajuice so theysa can usen itsa as a warehouse for der brownies, and mesa laptop computer to der tusky raiders, so maybe thesa will blowen themsaselves up with it. Mesa tinken thissen issen all of mesa worldly possesions. If theresa issen anyting left over, mesa given Master Yoda power of attourney so hesa can dividen it all up - hesa issen berry wise.

BUT THISSEN NOAH MEANEN MESA WANTEN TO BE LEFT HERE!!!

Coruscant Blogger's Department Official Notice: Help us to save Jar Jar. For every specially marked product you buy at authorized Coruscant-based dairies, convenience stores, and superettes, twenty cents will be donated to the Save Jar Jar Binks Fund. Don't let the Tusken Raiders eat him.

Theysa issen lyen. Theysa will spenden all der money on beer.

So... whatsa mesa doin now?

2005-07-30T20:48:00.000+12:00

Tatooine. Issen a horrible place, berry berry nasty. Issen berry hot, and berry dry, and MESA ISSEN RUNNEN OUT OF MOISTURISER!
But lately, mesa hassen realisen dat mesa hassen only been worryen about how uncomfortable it issen to liven here. Mesa hassen never really tinken about how BORING itsa issen. Until now. Thissen laptop computer hassen no games or anyting, since then itsa would be a luxury item. Mesa issen only allowed to haven it because mesa needen to keep posten on mesa blog. Here.
Mesa hassen maken a game, actually. Itsa issen noah a berry good game, though. See, on Tatooine not all of der sand issen yellowish. Occaisionally, say, one grain in ten thousand, yousa issen getting a green one, or a red one, or a blue one, or even a puce one. So, mesa new hobby issen to collecten themsa. Yeah - muy muy boring. Mesa tinken maybe, if mesa getten enough, mesa could sellen itsa to der tusky raiders or something. *sigh* So boring...

Jar Jar, Gungan Mystical Man

2005-07-29T19:00:00.000+12:00

Jawajuice hassen asken me how yousa curen warts. There issen several ways:

Yousa could try hanging a live frog in a bag around yousa neck.
Personally, mesa suggesten a salve of peanut-butter and condensed milk in a... ooh... roughly 3:2 mix. But yousa mussen be sure no-one issen eaten yousa.
Dere issen a theory dat dere can be only a certain number of warts in der galaxy. Thissen may or may noah be true. But if yousa tinken issen true, den yousa mussen rub an object on yousa warts and leave it for someone else to finden. The warts will be transferren to themsa. Be sure to choosen something dat someone else issen likely to picken up. JJ, yousa could tryen der fork dat Leia brought for der Survivor: Tatooine game. Mesa should noah have sayen thassen.
Dip der affected body part in acid. Noah reccomended.
Maken der wart bleeden, and put a drop of blood on each of nine pieces of corn. Den, feeden der corn to a kaadu.
If all else fails, yousa mussen burn der wart off with a lightsabre.

If yousa asken mesa, mesa will offer mesa ancient Gungan mystical remedies to yousa free of charge, each Friday. Just comment on mesa most recent post, and mesa will pick out a request and tellen yousa how to fix itsa. Mesa will also offeren all kinds of other mystic stuff, from love potions to voodoo dolls

Itsa goin well!

2005-07-28T20:50:00.000+12:00

Mesa tinken wesa gonna win! Now mesa will noah haven to disturben der ancient spirits of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo again. Theysa issen noah liken bein risen more dan once a month. Here issen der ritual, in case yousa ever needen itsa...

1. Drawen a five-point star on der ground with blue or purple chalk. Mesa finden dat dere issen a store in Mos Eisly dat issen sellen many varieties of chalk.
2. Burnen incense at each point of der star. Any good Gungan Wal-Mart can sellen yousa der required spice, but mesa finden dat Kessel Spice both worken better, and putten der spirits in a better mood. Where possible, though, mesa usen Master Qui-Gon's bombad brownies.
3. Stand on yousa right leg in der center of der star and spinnen around nine times, anticlockwise.
4. Sitten down, and looken directly at der first name on yousa list, and say der word "Eeny". If yousa hassen completed all der other steps correctly, yousa will beginnen to feel der mystical energies flowen through yousa.
5. Concentraten on der second name in der list, and say der word "Meeny".
6. Continue down der list, sayen der words "Miney" and "Mo".
7. Den, yousa must maken up yousa own line to usen. Itsa mussen rhyme with der first one, and be appropriate to der situation. For example, mesa usen "Sorry, but you've got to go," since mesa wassen choosen whosa to voten off der show.
8. Repeaten der first line again in der same way.
9. If yousa comen to der bottom of der list, den start moven back upwards again. Noah skippen right back to der top. Thissen issen der mistake dat most people maken. Der spirits noah liken thissen.
10. Der name you come to on der final "Mo" issen der name recommended by der spirits.

If at any time yousa issen knocked out from der mystic energy coursing through yousa body, yousa may enter der spirit realm. Dere, yousa may talken directly to der spirits of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo yousaself, where theysa will given yousa an in-depth recommendation.

After der storm...

2005-07-27T22:18:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen sand in mesa eyes. Mesa hassen sand in mesa ears. Mesa hassen sand in mesa mouth. Mesa hassen sand up mesa... er... never mind.

And mesa coffee plants hassen been burried. Mesa will finden themsa. Itsa issen just a matter of time. Mesa hassen almost figuren out der perfect combination of beans.

Of course, to negotiaten with der tusky raiders, mesa mussen speaken tusky raider language. Mesa mussen practisen.

OOOOwwwooorooROwlrRowWroOo *cough* *ahem* ROOWUIODOUWUDWUFwOwuwowOwd...MOOOOOOOO!
Coruscant Department of Translation Official Notice: Jar Jar's tuskan raider speech here translates to "Give them the thorns of lots of different thorny plants, and GREEN CHEESE BLING BLING with much liquid oranges. Eat me now.
Coruscant Department of Translation Official Rating: 1/10 - If this were actually used in conversation, it would result in a serious faux pas (at best).

First Vote Off

2005-07-24T18:48:00.000+12:00

General Grievous issen gone. Mesa honestly can noah sayen mesa will missen himsa, hesa issen creepy. Mesa hopen Fluke issen noah wanten revenge. Itsa wassen der result of der rites of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, but mesa noah tinken hesa understanden themsa. Well, dere issen nothing left to do but keep tryen to sell coffee to der tusky raiders and waiten for der next challenge. Mesa hassen confirmen dat mesa beans can be distilled into a vaguely coffee-like substance with Aayla's coffee machine. Now, mesa just needen to convincen der tusky raiders to swap coffee for peace.

Whosa shall mesa voten off?

2005-07-22T17:16:00.000+12:00

Oursa team losen der challenge on Survivor: Tatooine. Now, wesa gonna haven to voten someone off. Who shall mesa voten for?

Mesa Choices:

Aayla
Fluke
General Grievous
Leia
Obi
Der Supreme Chancellor
Qui-Gon Jinn

Erm... Eeny meeny miney mo, sorry but you've got to go... eeny meeny miney mo!

Sorry, Fluke. Der ancient Gungan rites of "Eeny meeny miney mo" hassen chosen yousa.

Why Noah Tellen Mesa Earlier???

2005-07-19T20:29:00.000+12:00

Why? Why? Why does General Grievous only mentionen to mesa dat Aayla brought a coffee machine *after* mesa wassen mucken about tryen to maken themsa out of sand, and sand, and sand (ad infinitum)... and sand, and rocks, and rocks (ad infinitum)... and womp rat skeletons, and tusky raider helmets, and sand worm guts, and Master Yoda's doody (noah asken, *please*...) - mesa point issen, WHY???

But, mesa noah knowen if Aayla hassen coffee beans with hersa, or if shesa issen haven enough to traden in substantial quantities with der tusky raiders so dat theysa will leaven ussen alone instead of tryen to killen ussen. Mesa may still needen der beans mesa issen cultivaten - if thissen issen der right word. Mesa hassen three nearly dead plants in der shallow, 1 cm deep soil growing what might be beans.

Mesa can only hopen.

Mesa Plan

2005-07-18T16:57:00.000+12:00

Once mesa hassen built a coffee machine, mesa can fixen oursa problems with der Tusky Raiders. Issen berry simple. Give themsa coffee.

Theysa will soon become addicted to der sweet caffiene... *drools hungrily* and will actually help ussen so dat theysa can getten more of itsa. Mesa hassen some beans from a scrawny plant dat might be worken, now mesa needen a coffee machine. Oh... and water. Hmm.

What materials issen mesa haven around here? Rocks... good. More rocks... even better. More rocks... not so good... Ooh! Ooh!

Sand!

Wait - thatsa issen noah so useful, eh? Maybe mesa can maken der basic structure of der coffee machine from womp rat bones. Mesa now needed to kill one with mesa boomas. One minute...

HI-YAH!

Several small explosions follow. Jar Jar yelps several times as his Boomas burst with electrical crackles. The unmistakeable battle-cry of a wild womp rat is heard...

Coffee

2005-07-17T19:38:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen a theory dat all planets in der galaxy hassen an equivalent to coffee. All of themsa. Even Tatooine, even though itsa issen just a dusty ball. So, mesa issen looken for itsa. If only mesa hadn't needed to bringen thissen moisturisen cream to stop mesa skin from cracking *rubs moisturiser on self* mesa could have bringen some coffee mesaself. Oh well.

Mesa hassen collecten some different kinds of plants. Theysa issen all pretty scrawny. One of themsa mighten be dead. But itsa might just be a part of der natural life cycle. Mesa hassen high hopes for one of themsa, which seems to be growen beans of some kind.

Now, mesa issen just needed a coffee machine...

Mesa hassen posten on der Survivor Tatooine blog. Look there. Stop botheren mesa.

2005-07-16T20:13:00.000+12:00

Survivor: Tatooine

2005-07-15T17:35:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen arriven on Tatooine for der game show. Issen berry hot here, mesa skin issen dryen up. But if mesa winnen, mesa will get a million credits! Whoo! Mesa hassen to live on Tatooine with der other contestants for ages. Mesa hopen mesa moisturisen cream holden out. You can checken out der central progress blog at survivortatooine.blogspot.com - wesa issen all haven laptop computers to posten with.

Mesa tribe issen starten in der Beggar's Canyon, where der Tusky Raiders live. Mesa hassen a plan to stop themsa from getting too nasty... but mesa will need to make a coffee machine out of natural materials. Mesa can do that.

Cruddy Interstellar Shuttles

2005-07-12T16:50:00.000+12:00

Iffen yousa mussen ever fly from Coruscant to Tatooine, noah taken Tatooine Spacelines. Mesa only taken der Tatooine Spacelines Jumbo Shuttle because mesa wassen getten a free return-trip ticket for thissen game show. Itsa issen a bad idea. Next time, mesa will pay.

Theirsa spaceliners issen full of sand. Mesa issen haten sand berry much. Theysa sayen that itsa issen meant to be therapeutic. Yeah, right. Mesa tinken dat theysa issen haven more dan sand in dere. Mesa hassen an encyclopaedia of Tatooiney stuffs with mesa, since mesa issen revising for Survivor Tatooine. Mesa issen almost 60% sure dat mesa hassen found 3 of der 4 signs dat dere issen a large froup of baby Sarlaccs on board.

1. Tentacles sprouting out of the sand
2. A sign saying "Danger! Sarlacc nesting ground!" (check)
3. People's toes disappearing mysteriously and being digested over the course of millennia (check)
4. Presence of an adult Sarlacc (check - issen hidden in der cabin, mesa tinks)

Mesa will suen dissen spaceline when mesa getten back to Coruscant.

crawls spluttering out of a huge pile of sewage

2005-07-11T17:52:00.000+12:00

Oookeydaaay... mesa apartment issen full of shit. Thissen issen gonna take a longo time for der plumbers and der cleaners to fix. Luckily, mesa hassen been invited to a game show on Tatooine! Mesa hassen der perfect excuse to clear out of der shit-filled apartment and noah comen back for weeks! Itsa could noah haven happened at a better time.

Mesa noah knowen how mesa gonna do without mesa coffee, though.

Mesa Issen Gonna Dry Up!

2005-07-10T22:28:00.000+12:00

Mesa apartment hassen a bath. Itsa issen needen one, gungans can noah liven properly without water. Normally, mesa bath issen berry nice. Itsa can regulate der temperature to within 0.5 degrees celsius, and der pH to within 0.1. Sadly, mesa bath issen broken. Der plumbing issen backen up, and mesa toilet issen feeden directly into der taps.

Now mesa issen gonna haven to fixen it. Senator Padme reccomenden mesa should hire a professional, but theysa issen crooks. Mesa will fixen der bath mesaself. Mesa issen qualified, mesa wassen a plumber before mesa wassen exiled from Otoh Gunga for destroyen der city's pumbing.

Experimentation

2005-07-09T18:59:00.000+12:00

Mesa issen worken on... improven... mesa coffee.
Der coffee machine in Senator Padme's office issen noah bombad enough. Itsa issen needen improvement. Mesa plannen to adden a (small) thermonuclear reactor, in order to heaten der coffee faster. Any effects of meltdown will be cushioned by der coffee grounds. As well, der grounds themselvesa issen needen spicen up. Kessel spice, mesa tinken.

Another improvement: current coffee makers issen removen der spent grounds after use, which issen diminishen der flavour. Thissen issen neccesary because no one issen wanten der grounds to be left in theirsa coffee. Mesa plan issen to completely dissolven der grounds in der coffee, to preserve der flavour.

Any other ideas?

Coffee Break

2005-07-08T23:01:00.000+12:00

Ouchie... der mutant plants hassen escaped into der wild. Mesa left theirsa cage open when mesa went for mesa coffee break. Thissen might seem a little bitty careless... but yousa woulden all haven done der same ting. Mesa really needed mesa coffee! Mayb mesa issen becomen addicted... nah.

Mesa mussen go, mesa needen mesa coffee.

Back. Anyway, Coruscant hassen berry few plants. Theysa will... er... improve biodiversity. Yes. And improve der ecology by... eh... photosynthesis.

Mesa needen more coffee now.

Mesa Haven A Plan

2005-07-07T19:30:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen figuren out how to beaten der giant plant. Mesa gonna fighten fire with fire.
Today, mesa orderen a bunch of der most genetically unstabled plants on Naboo. Den, 'causen mesa realisen theysa issen all pretty tame, mesa orderen some from Dagobah and Kashyyk.
Den, mesa went to der Gardenen Supplies store down der street. Mesa hassen stocken up on radioactive fertilizers and gene-modifiercation kits.
Heehee... mesa issen gonna maken a plant army dat can kill without mercy!

Official Safety Recommendation: Old Republic health and safety requires that this message be added to Jar Jar's blog. This ominous post may sound dire, but Jar Jar will screw it up somehow. There is no need to worry about being devoured by mutant plants.

Giant Plants?

2005-07-06T18:20:00.000+12:00

Mesa wassen goin down to der lower level inconvenience store today to getten mesa mornen munchen cereal. Mesa taken a wrong turn and - wuh oh. Theresa issen some berry freaky stuff down dere. Dere wassen a few men in green uniforms, and theysa wassen wateren a giant plant! Itsa wassen as big as a Fambaa - well, maybe not *dat* big, but itsa wassen pretty jumbo. Itsa had big mouths with spikey teeth!

Mesa tinken der men who wassen wateren it might have been Jedi whosa never gotten picked as Padawans, becausen theysa could usen der force to lift theirsa wateren cans. Mesa tinken thissen how theysa made der plant so big - with der force. Hmm... mesa noah liken dissen.

Dissen why mesa haten convenience stores

2005-07-05T16:15:00.000+12:00

Noah getten mesa wrong - convenience stores issen berry... uh... convenient. Especially on Naboo, where der nearest supermarket issen always at least 2 km away through der swampy. But on Coruscant...
Here, dere issen shops for everything. But, since dere issen so many different shops, dere issen berry few places where yousa can buyen *everyting*. Dere issen one just down der street from mesa apartment. But now, just when mesa kitchen hassen boomed and mesa can noah cook anyting, der convenience store issen shut. Der owner issen on holiday.
Now, mesa hassen to go to der lower levels to getten milk, cereal, bread, everyting. Dat issen where der nearest other convenience store issen. It took mesa so long yesterday, mesa had no time to post.

Dere issen someting wierd goin on down dere... mesa might checken itsa out tomorrow.

Wow

2005-07-03T17:03:00.000+12:00

Mesa went to der dentist thissen mornen to getten der teddy bear surgically removed from mesa mouth. Whosa issen itsa belongen to, anyway? Der dentist looken at mesa sort of funny, and hesa didn't believe mesa at first. Hissen eyes bulged out when hesa saw dat dere really wassen a teddy in dere - well, actually, hesa wassen a Mon Calamari, so hissen eyes were bulging out all der time anyway.

Mesa tried Obi's method of curing hangovers, and let mesa sayen dat itsa worken for a while, but den itsa getten muy muy worse when der next case of beer wearen off. Der only way to make itsa worken properly issen to keep drinken until yousa die. And mesa noah wanten dat.

Spaking of Obi, hesa hassen been looking for hissen twin lately. But guess what? Mesa haven a twin too! Hissen name issen Jar Jar as well, and wesa knowen all der same people - why hassen wesa never met before? Hesa hassen a blog too, see! http://lifeofjarjar.blogspot.com/

Mesa got to go now, bye.

Urgh...

2005-07-02T18:29:00.000+12:00

Urrrrururugurgh...
*drools over keyboard*
Urgh... Mesa berry berry berryyyry... urgh...
Mesa had fun at der party last night, but now mesa noah feelen so good. Mesa hassen no washen up liquid in mesa cupboard, dere issen a fish on mesa ear, mesa haven bombad hangover, there issen a teddy bear lodged behind mesa molars, and mesa robes hassen been torn and covered in porridge. Thissen last time mesa wearen important fancy Senator's Assistant robes to a party...
Urgh...
*throws up over computer and blacks out, inadvertantly hitting the "publish post" button in the process*

Remind mesa never to cooken anyting again

2005-07-01T16:52:00.000+12:00

First mesa new speeder boomen, now mesa kitchen issen covered in soot. Since theresa issen a slumber party at Aayla's housen tonight, mesa thought mesa woulden tryen to cook some food to taken. Itsa wassen a bad idea from der start. Mesa tryen to maken a nice pie. Mesa leaven oven on for waaay to long. While der pie wassen preparen to explode, mesa wassen burnen mesa robes while tryen to maken a cake. Den mesa tripped over mesa shoelace and mesa emergency blaster went off and... weeell...

Mesa getten a team of repairmen in for der night, while mesa issen at Aayla's. Mesa gonna go and *buy* some food for der party now.

More Pain...

2005-06-30T16:11:00.000+12:00

Mesa gonna haven to usen crappy Coruscant public transport for a while longer...

*sighs*

Mesa crashen der speeder and BOOM! Maybe mesa shoulden haven just gotten another crappy Naboo speeder. Mesa wassen usen dat one for three years without a problem. Although, mesa did have itsa repaired... eh... sixteen... carry the four... times by three... divide by last September... forty-two times.

Well, itsa noah all bad. Dere issen another party. Aayla issen celebrating... er... mesa forget what. But itsa issen berry important, mesa sure itsa will come back to mesa.

Now mesa gonna getten some food. Der Coruscant convenience stores issen muy convenient, theysa just fly past yousa window if yousa ringen themsa in advance.

Why Public Transport Issen Bad

2005-06-29T16:58:00.000+12:00

Mesa eventually decided on der green speeder. Kit hassen made a good point about der orange one, but mesa tinken mesa would fall off a speeder bike. Mesa still hassen to usen public transport for a few days, while JawaJuice hotwi- eh-heh - touches up mesa new speeder.

Der first ting mesa noticed issen dat Coruscant hassen berry few buses. So mesa had to take a taxi. Dissen tings need proper walls! Theysa haven open tops, so mesa fell out! If Aayla hadn't been on hersa way to work and usen der Force to stop mesa fallen, mesa would be froggy paste! Ouchie.

Mesa plannen to asken Senator Padme to proposen a "Public Transport Reformation Bill" in der senate. Mesa hopen mesa can picken up der new speeder soon.

Hmm... green... or orange... or blue?

2005-06-28T16:57:00.000+12:00

Mesa hassen been to Jawajuice's new place to looky at speeders. Hesa issen haven a lot of different kinds of speeders. Itsa issen difficult to choose... mesa asken if any of dem can goin in a swamp. Hesa sayen none, since no one issen wanting to buy swampy speeders back on Tatooine. Eventually, mesa asken for one with a good autopilot since mesa rememberen how der last one crashed - dat wassen a crappy Naboo speeder with no autopilot. Mesa issen also wanten someting dat issen pretty fast - but not as fast as Ani's since dat one issen so fast only a podracer can drive itsa properly. Dissen narrows it down to der speeders here:

Which do yousa tink?

Oo-er...

2005-06-27T19:45:00.000+12:00

Dissen issen definootely a scammen. Apparently, der e-mails about usen der Force are comen from a computer dat issen belongen to a registered member of der Sith Lords Union. Senator Padme's intern issen sayen "Dooroo, diggida! Errip tipp tipp too!" which mesa tinken means either "Can I have a raise?" or "He lives at 545 Techno Lane on Coruscant" but possibly both. Mesa needen to learnen how to speaken Ewok. Maybe tomorrow, mesa go and look. Mesa goin to stop by Jawajuice's place to looky at speeders now. Mesa gotta go.

Mesa tinken dissen issen a scam...

2005-06-26T17:26:00.000+12:00

Remember mesa mentioned mesa issen taking a Force-usen correspondence course? Mesa noah tinken itsa issen endorced by der Jedi Council. Why? Because of dese four tings...
1) In der e-mails mesa getten every week, theresa issen no mentionen of der Jedi Council *at all*. Mesa tinken dis issen suspiscious...
2) Der e-mails hassen "Not Endorced by the Official Jedi Council" on der end of dem. Mesa tinken dissen issen also suspicious.
3) In der time mesa hassen been doin dis correspondence course, mesa hassen noah improven at all in usen der force.
4) Some people cannot count. Unfortunately, Jar Jar Binks is one of them. This bullet point has only been left in for the sake of political correctness. Jar Jar will resume talking now.
Mesa issen berry suspicious. Mesa hassen asked one of Senator Padme's interns to researchen dis for mesa. If hesa can find out where theysa issen liven, mesa will investigate further.

Jawajuice's Party

2005-06-25T17:18:00.000+12:00

Mesa and Senator Padme went to a party on Tatooine at a travelling salesman's housen. Mesa not rememberen much, but mesa head hurten and der hangover cures mesa asken everyonesa for a few weeks ago issen not worken. But mesa will say dissen for Jawajuice: dat wassen a bombad party! Mesa wassen goin to talken to himsa about der new speeder hesa sayen hesa can sellen mesa, but mesa wassen unconscious for most of der time and wesa arriven late anyway because Senator Padme's handmaidens were off duty and itsa taken hours to do hersa hair without themsa. Mesa stabbed mesaself with a hairpin three times.
Jawajuice, wesa talken about speeder later, please?