Jar Jar's blog

Order 67?

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 11:10:00 +0000

Mesa had mesa sunglasses on berry tightly, but theysa noah were needen. Der Chancellor wassen dressed when mesa walken in. Thassen a first. Hesa wassen talken to a clone trooper on a comlink, and hissen back wassen to mesa.
"No, I can't be sure he's working against me. Just like you couldn't be sure whether or not the Invisible Hand and three Separatist capital ships were closing in to attack Corellia last week. No, no excuses, please, commander. Just be ready to initiate order 67."
"That's the one where we get you a frankfurter with extra mustard to go, right?" Der commander looken puzzled.
"NO, you idiot! That's order 76! Or was it 75? Order 67 is-" Den mesa sneezen.
"ARGH!" Palpatine turnen off der commlink. "Jam Jar, what in the force are you doing here?"
"Er... mesa work here."
"Oh. Yes. Right. *Ahem*." Hesa looken at der floor.
"Mister Chancellor?"
"What? Are you still here?"
"Yousa noah given mesa der next mission yet, sir."
"Oh, yes, right. I daresay you know Fluke Starbucker?"
"Yes..."
"He is a Founder of the New Jedi Order Wannabe. That means that if the Jedi order ever falls, his job is to pick up the pieces and found a New Jedi order."
"Issen nice to know theysa have a contingency plan. Der Jedi aresa berry wise."
"Yes, but it does aggravate things for me, rather. What with... you know... order 66."
"Order 66?"
"What? Haven't I told you that one?"
"No..."
"Oh, well thank the force for that. Who knows what you'd be able to screw up if you had access to top-level secret plans like that. Anyway, Fluke Starbucker. I want you to... how do you say this tactfully? Terminate him."
"Eh? What for? Hesa a nice man. And hesa a FotNJOW. Hesa doin all kinds of heroic deeds, like fighten Darth Tater, and-"
"Oh, be quiet! I've heard enough about Fluke Starbucker's heroic deeds, thank you! I know you're not an assassin, technically..."
"Mesa noah an assassin, period."
"...but I am giving you a direct order. Order 492, as it happens. Now hop to it!"

"Aayla Secura speaking."
"Hesa wanten mesa to kill Fluke Starbucker! Whatsa mesa gonna do!?"
"Okay, Jar, just stay calm. There's gotta be a way around this..."
"Fluke can noah hiden like Qui-Gon! Qui-Gon issen dead, but Fluke hassen heroic deeds to performen!"
"Look, I have a plan. Obviously, it would be wrong for you to even try to assassinate a FotNJOW. But if you can pretend like you attacked him and lost..."
"Den mesa can hiden somewhere and der Supreme Chancellor will never knowen!"
"Exactly. You have to disappear, Jar Jar. I'll ask Fluke to put on a show; pretend he's been attacked. I'm sure he owes me a favor from someplace or other. As for you, I have some contacts in Core Worlds TV. They have a job opening as presenter on a game show. It's out of the way, you'll be close to home, and Palpatine won't know a thing about it until the show airs, which won't be until October, at least. In the mean time, I'll find some way for you to vanish permanently."
"Well... mesa supposen mesa accept."
"Great. Pack your bags and take the first available flight back to Naboo. And Jar Jar?"
"Yessen?"
"Did the Chancellor say anything about 'Order 66'?"
"A little..."
"Did he say what it meant?"
"No." Aayla sighen.
"Back to research, for me then. One last thing. Don't use your blog anymore. It's probably tapped."

Inside Palpatine's office, the old Chancellor attentively watches a hologram of Jar Jar and Aayla talking via commlink.
Aayla: I'll ask Fluke to put on a show; pretend he's been attacked. I'm sure he owes me a favor from someplace or other. As for you-
Suddenly, the image blurs, crackles, and vanishes. Palpatine looks at the projector angrily and hits it. Nothing happens. He tries again, and again. Nothing happens. He throws a short tantrum, hits the device once more, and illicits a response.
Aayla: -last thing. Don't use your blog anymore. It's probably tapped.
Palpatine: Bah!
He crosses to a viewscreen on the wall, and taps several buttons next to it. A man's face appears on the screen.
???: Hey, Palpy, what's up?
Palpatine: I told you not to call me that! The man's smile hardens.
???: I'll call you whatever I please. The fans want to know your first name, sure. But as long as I don't give you one, I can use whichever abusive term suits me in our little chats. You're lucky I don't use that little name your mummy had for you when you were a youngling.
Palpatine: Grr...
???: So, Palpy. What do you want?
Palpatine: It's about Jam Jar.
???: Jar Jar.
Palpatine: Whatever. He's definitely working with Aayla Secura against me.
???: *sighs* I suppose there's nothing for it. It'll have to be Order 67. The fans have been clamouring for it for years, you know. Some of those websites...
Palpatine: So, when can I give Order 66?
???: All in good time, Palps. Steve the Spider assures me that the opportune moment will arrive at the end of Episode III. Just 67 for now. And, by the force, be humane. You know I have a soft spot for Jar Jar, or I would have written him off a long time ago. Remember that.
Palpatine: Yes, sir... Can I just torture him a little bit? Just a teensy-
???: Be quiet. The image on the screen disappears.

Mission 4: Operation "Ghostbuster"

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Mon, 09 Jan 2006 11:55:00 +0000

Okeyday, issen noah gonna be difficult. Jussen convincen Qui-Gon dat hesa better hide for a while to escapen der chancellor's wrath. Easy.

Qui-Gon: Man, have you been, like, doing Death Sticks?
Jar Jar: No, mesa serious! Der supreme chancellor senden mesa her to banishen yousa!
Qui-Gon: Whoa. Far out, man. Hesa paused. Like, are you sure about the Death Sticks? Cause they can give you some serious hallucinations.
Jar Jar: Mesa noah been doin Death Sticks, okeyday? Mesa noah wanten to go home and retinken mesa life!
Qui-Gon: You are serious, aren't you, Jar? Look, man, I'm cool with the whole self-preservation thing. But I can't run and hide.
Jar Jar: Thissen noah a time to be worryen about being a coward!
Qui-Gon: It's not that. I'm, like, the public face of Uncle Jinn & JJ's brownies! I'm a benign, fatherly, force-ghost. Jawajuice... well, no offense to JJ, man, but have you ever seen a Jawa under those hoods they all wear? That is nasty!
Jawajuice: It's true. Losing Qui could hurt our sales. People just don't trust Jawas. I mean, only 20% or so of us are kleptomaniacs, but people just don't buy from us. On Tatooine, they ain't got no choice. But neither do we - the rest of the galaxy is pretty much enemy territory. Why do you think our race still lives there? Jeez, it's not as if we like it.
Jar Jar: Yousa noah understanden! Der chancellor issen after Qui-Gon, and if mesa can noah proven to Palpatine dat mesa banishen himsa, hesa will firen mesa and senden someone else - maybe a professional exorcist.
Qui-Gon: Look, Jar Jar, if you can, like, find a replacement for me, I'll go and hide somewhere. But it's just, like, temporary. Don't expect me to sit around on Dantooine or some place chewing spice forever.
Jar Jar: A replaceyment? Hmm...

Ten minutes later, outside the local Wal-Mart...
Qui-Gon: Like, are you sure about this?
Jar Jar: Of course mesa sure. Cousin Can Can hassen never letten mesa down. Although, since mesa never relyen on hersa for anyting in der first place...
Can Can Binks: Okeyday, kids! Uncle Jinn & JJ's super-secret recipie brownies, now available in coffee flavour!
Human Child: Where's Uncle Qui-Gon?
Can Can Binks: Er... hesa busy. Hesa go away on business trip. To visiten hissen mother-in-law.
Human Child: But you said business?
Can Can Binks: Er... kid, letten mesa tellen yousa someting about mothers-in-law...
Jawajuice: This had better be temporary, Qui. I'm serious.

Mesa a Doubly Agent - Cool, Huh?

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Thu, 05 Jan 2006 09:15:00 +0000

Mesa standen in front of Supreme Chancellor Palpatine's office door again. Thissen time, mesa wassen prepared for whatever horrible sight awaiten mesa. Mesa putten on der sunglasses Aayla given mesa on Ryloth.
"I got these for a couple of credits off a trader from some planet called Betelgeuce. Never heard of the place myself," shesa had sayen. "They're peril-sensitive sunglasses - at the first sign of danger, they turn completely black. I don't know what use they might have in a combat situation..." shesa frowned, "But if you walk in on the Chancellor wearing his speedoes again, they should prevent you from seeing anything."
Mesa had been confusen then, but mesa wassen glad to have der sunglasses now. Aayla had senden mesa back to Coruscant to work for der Chancellor again, to get hersa more information about whatsa hesa wassen doin. Mesa taken a deep breath, and openen der door.

As soon as mesa looken inside, der sunglasses turned pitch-black.
"Mister Chancellor? Are yousa wearing anyting?"
"Jam Jar? Of course I'm wearing something - can't you see this electric-blue speedo?"
"No! And mesa noah wanten to!"
"Well, good. I'm sick of you walking in here in sneaking peaks of me in my underwear."
"Der feeling issen mutual. Mesa here to report on mesa last mission."
"Oh, good. Well, how did it go?"
"Er... well, shesa noah suspecten a ting. Itsa never even occuren to hersa to looken into Darkside Foods."
"Excellent, excellent. I won't have to kill her yet, then, I'll save her for Order 66..."
"What did yousa say?"
"*Ahem* I said, I'll have to save her some fish sticks. I'm having seafood tonight, you know. Now, I'm sure you're eager to be off on your next mission. We have only two targets left."
"Targets?"
"Er... never mind. Your next mission is to do with your old friend, Qui-Gon Jinn. It's very simple. I need you to banish him to the ether."
"WHAT?"
"The ether. You know, the metaphysical realm inhabited by dead force-users? I need you to put him there and make sure he can't get back for at least a decade."
"How?"
"Oh, be creative. You know a few Gungan shaman tricks, don't you? I'm sure you'll figure something out."
"But... whysa?"
"Because I told you to. Now go and complete your next mission."

Mesa turnen around and walken into der wall. Mesa peril-sensitive sunglasses were still black. Mesa fumblen around, finden der door, and walken through it. When der door closed, der sunglasses went clear again. Mesa took out mesa cellphone and dialed Aayla's number.
"Hello, Aayla speaking."
"Aayla? Der Chancellor wanten mesa to banish Qui-Gon to der ether! What should mesa do!"
"That can't be good. Why would he want Qui out of the way? If he's going after Force-ghosts, there must be something going on... Look, just convince Qui-Gon to lay low for a while, and find something that'll make the Chancellor believe you've done it. I dunno, get a replica of his lightsabre or something. I should check on Yarael Poof as well. Palpatine's up to something..."

Mission 3: Operation "Wesa goin' on a Twi'lek hunt"

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Fri, 30 Dec 2005 11:34:00 +0000

Mesa figuren der best place to start would be der Twi'lek homeworld, Ryloth. Issen a wierd place. One one side of der planet, issen always daytime. On der other side, issen always nighttime. In der bit where der Twi'lek all live, issen always five-thirty on a Friday evening. Or perhaps seven-thirty on a Saturday morning. Yousa can noah ever tell.

Of course, mesa noah dere for sightseeing. Mesa gotta find Aayla Secura. Itsa can be noah so hard - shesa issen blue! How many blue Twi'lek women can theresa possibly by on der Twi'lek homeworld?

"Aayla! Aayl- er... sorry, miss."
"Hey! Yousa! Aayla Sec- sorry, yousa looky like someone mesa knowen."
"Aayl- oh, forgetten itsa..."
Okeyday, mebbe mesa should have looked up hersa Ryloth address in der Order Directory before mesa leaven. Theresa so many caves... hersa clan mussen liven in one of themsa! Mesa will finden a telephone box. A phone book will help.

Aayl'asecuqux, Aayl'asecuquy, Aayl'asecuquz... Okeyday, here wesa are: Aayl'asecura. Lucky theresa a map in thissen phone book. Should be easy to find der cave.

Okeyday, thissen should be der last hill. No, theresa another valley ahead. Down into der valley and up der next hill... and theresa another valley. Down and up again, and down again and up again, and down again and - wait. Back up der way mesa came. Yes, thissen der right cave. Knock on der- theresa noah door. Noah panic, Jar Jar, jussen ring der doorbe- theresa noah doorbell! Okeyday, Jar Jar, now yousa can panic. EARGHARAGHARHARGARAGH! EEEEE!

"What's all the noise about? Why is someone screaming outside my- Jar Jar? What are you doing here on Ryloth?"
"EEEAARRREEEARRREEAREAREARIIII! EE-oh... er... hello, Aayla... er... nice day."
"It's evening. It's always evening. It's been five-thirty p.m. on Friday the seventeenth of August for well over ten thousand years. The Twi'lek people have saved a fortune from not having to purchase calenders."
"Oh... of course..."
"Well, come in. Would you like some coffee?"
"WOULD mesa?"

"You've kind of caught me at a bad time, I've finished my research on Darth Hidious, Darth Mrow, Darth Gollum and Darth Smeagol, and Darth Wayne, but I still have some work to do on one of the most devious and evil of them all - Darth Oprah. I have Master Yoda's files on her, but we still need more information."
"Yousa been studyen Darth Oprah for four months!?"
"Has it been that long? Oh no - I haven't bought any new clothes since I've been doing the work for Sith Awareness Week! Everything I have is probably out of fashion by now!"
"But... Sith Awareness Week issen over."
"Yeah, but it was kinda a big flop. If I prepare well for next year, though, and get some better publicity for it, it'll work out just great."
"Okeyday... well, mesa here on a mission."
"What kind of mission?"
"To find yousa! Der Chancellor sent mesa to - uh... find out what yousa know about der Sith."
"The Chancellor? I should have seen this coming. I need more coffee."
"Why? Whatsa issen wrong with der Chancellor?"
"*Sigh* You are so clueless, Jar Jar. Did he feed you some story about Sith connections in Darkside Foods that he "honestly didn't know about"? Because he told me the same thing. And I believed him. But during my research, I keep finding little unexplainable discrepancies, like someone is covering up the mistakes of all the Sith. Take Darth Hidious's operation on Hoth, for example. After Mace Windu killed his psychotic clone, he went straight back to Coruscant. He was overdue for his scalp care appointment; he didn't realise that there might be Sith secrets hidden inside Hidious's computers. I sent a probe droid to Hoth, but when it got there, someone had taken all the fridge magnets off of Darth Hidious's freezer and stuck them on the computers. The data was irretrievably corrupted."
"So? Mebbe Darth Hidious put themsa dere so noahone would find hissen secret plans?"
"No. One of the fridge magnets wasn't Sith-issue. It was a picture of a bright yellow speedo. Only one person in the galaxy would ever have a yellow speedo-shaped fridge magnet."
"Yousa meanen... der Supreme Chancellor issen helpen der Sith?"
"Worse. I think that Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith."

Okeyday, thissen time for sure.

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Wed, 28 Dec 2005 04:30:00 +0000

Mesa stopped, about to open der door, and knocked.
"Chancellor? Are yousa dressed?"
Noah answer.
"Mister Chancellor?" Hmm. Guess hesa noah home. Mesa went in...

And der Chancellor wassen lying on hissen desk, in bright green speedoes, with whipped cream all over hissen face and cucumber slices on hissen eyes.
"Erk!"
"Argh! What? What? Who's interrupting my facial?" Hesa sitten up and taken off der cucumber slices. "You again? Don't you ever knock?"
"Mesa did knocken! Yousa noah answeren!"
"Well, I didn't hear you! I must have fallen asleep!"
"Why are yousa having a facial in yoursa office?"
"My job is my life, Jam Jar." Mesa noah botheren to correcten himsa. "I don't have enough spare time to prepare a good facial, so I have to cater to my beautifying needs while I'm at work. It's not as if I want the seven hours to spend every day on scalp care that Mace Windu has, but just a little time to stop myself winding up like this...

...would be nice!

"Er... okeyday. Well, der crown jewelies of Alderaan and Leia's fork are in yoursa storehouse. Do yousa haven another mission for mesa?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. Kenobi - check. Organa - check. That leaves Jinn, Secura, Starbucker, and of course, yourself... heeheehee!"
"Sorry? What?"
"Erm... nothing. Your next mission. Well, several months ago, the Jedi Knight Aayla Secura disappeared while collecting information for Sith Awareness Week. Find her, interrogate her, and if she has discovered any information that might be used against me, use whatever means necessary to stop her from returning to the Jedi Temple!"
"Why would shesa find information about yousa while shesa wassen researchen for Sith Awareness Week?"
"Er... well... it's a funny story, that... you see... my food company, Darkside Foods, is owne- er... used to be owned by the Sith Order, and, well, you never know, there... may... be some Sith connections in the company that I honestly don't know about! But if Aayla finds evidence of these, pleading ignorance may not be enough to prove me innocent in the Coruscant Supreme Court! So... you see?"
"Noah weally, but okeyday."

These missions keep getten wierder. And theresa someting strange about der Chancellor...

Noahone in theirsa right mind would where speedoes that shade of green.

Mission 2: Operation "Weally Bad Idea"

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Tue, 27 Dec 2005 04:33:00 +0000

Thissen nuts. Mesa gotta stealen der most treasured possessions of one of der galaxy's most powerful families. Der tings mesa do for mesa job...
At least Count Dooku comen with mesa. Although, thassen mebbe a bad ting...
Count Dooku: Tally ho, what what? This'll be an absolute cracker of a mission, don't you agree?
Jar Jar: Er... yesss...
Count Dooku: And Lord Sidi- er... Chancellor Palpatine even said I could take a piece or two of treasure for my own collection! The crown jewels of Serenno are so frightfully dreary, you know.
Jar Jar: Wonderfullen.
Wesa were on Alderaan, at der front door of Princess Leia's palace. Wesa were wearen cameras around oursa necks to disguisen oursaselves as tourists. Count Dooku wassen taken a lot of pictures of der mountains.
Jar Jar: So... howsa wesa gonna getten in?
Count Dooku: Join a tour, I assume. Hesa holden up a camera. These disguises really do work wonders, you know, Jam Jar.
Jar Jar: Issen Jar Jar.
Count Dooku: Oh, sorry. My maste- I mean, the Chancellor, said your name was Jam Jar.
Jar Jar: Grr...
Count Dooku: Hmm. Although, this Leia is still alive and living here, isn't she? Normally they don't give tours of occupied palaces. I certainly wouldn't let anyone take tours of *my* mansion on Serenno.
Jar Jar: So, how?
Count Dooku: Well, I could use a mind trick on the guard - although, whenever a plan calls for the use of a mind trick, the guards always turn out to be Toydarian - or I could cut a hole in the wall or window with my lightsabre, or we could tunnel in with plastic spoons, or-
Jar Jar: Or wesa could do thissen! Mesa threw a booma at der door guard. Hesa wassen knocken out.
Count Dooku: That could work.

Der inside of der palace wassen huge! So many rooms, and so many doors... When wesa found der treasure rooms, theresa turnen out to be about fifty vaults.
Count Dooku: Ooh, if only we had time to loot this place properly, eh what? There's so much in here I would love to reappropriate. Ah, yes, this vault looks likely, it has the Alderaanian coat of arms on it.
Jar Jar: Issen two crossed forks with a blue background.
Count Dooku: Yes, I believe Leia had the coat of arms changed.
Hesa starten to cutten through der vault door with hissen lightsabre. Den, three forks thudded into der wall next to der door.
Princess Leia: What do you think you're doing here?
Shesa wassen looken berry angry. Shesa wassen wearen a leather bandolier filled with forks, and had a fork in each hand.
Count Dooku: Don't worry, Jar Jar, I'll handle this.
Hesa pullen hissen lightsabre out of der door and getten into a fighting stance.
Princess Leia: What, you think I've never fough Sith before? I wasn't born yesterday, mister!
Shesa pullen a matt black fork out of hersa bandolier and throwen itsa. Count Dooku blocken itsa with hissen lightsabre... and hissen lightsabre fizzed and went out.
Count Dooku: Honestly! Does everyone have cortosis weaponry these days? Hmph.
Princess Leia: Hi-yah!
Mesa hassen never facen a dual-fork-wielding princess of Alderaan before, and, well... mesa noah feelen up to der challenge.
Jar Jar: Hurryen uppen! Cut through der door!
Count Dooku: With this thing? Hissen lightsabre wassen still spluttering. I'd do more damage with a crumpet, frankly.
Jar Jar: Er... Okeyday, mesa will holden hersa off, yousa figuren out der combination lock.
Mesa turnen round and facen Princess Leia.
Princess Leia: Into the garbage chute, frog boy!
Mesa ducked hersa next fork, and starten throwen boomas. Leia blocken themsa all with forks. Shesa good. Shesa berry good. Meanwhile, Dooku wassen fumbling with an electronic lockpick thingy.
Count Dooku: Ah! I have it! Spiffing!
Der door swung open. Mesa ducken another fork and running inside with Dooku. Der crown jewelies were on a table, and Leia's silver fork wassen on a pedestal next to it. One der other side of der table was a pedestal holding a berry large silver spoon. Mesa looken at der spoon, den at Leia.
Princess Leia: Oh no. Don't you get any ideas.
Mesa grabben der spoon and throwen itsa at hersa head.
Princess Leia: Oof!
Shesa collapsen unconscious on der floor.
Count Dooku: So, spoons are her kryptonite? Spiffing! Let's take these jewels and get out of here, shall we? Tally ho!
Jar Jar: Hmm.
Mesa picken up der spoon and putten itsa in mesa pocket. Yousa never knowen when a spoon might be useful.

Der Chancellor's New Speedo

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 11:30:00 +0000

Mesa walken up to der door of der sumpreme chancellor's office. Hesa sayen hesa would getten changed, so itsa should be safe to go in. Mesa openen der door...

And see Chancellor Palpatine wearen a santa hat and bright red speedoes with fluffy white edging.

"ARGH!"
"AHHH!"
"Er... Mister Chancellor, sir, mesa tinken yousa sayen yousa would get changed!"
"I did! These are my Christmas speedoes, Jam Jar! You have to get with the spirit of the season!" Hesa jiggled hissen head to show off der pompom on hissen hat.
"Issen Jar Jar, Mister Chancellor."
"Yes, yes, what was I thinking? Jar Jar. Mind if I call you Marmalade for short?"
"Er... no, noah doin that. Please."
"Oh, fine. Now, your next mission. I believe I decided to send you after... Leia, yes. Princess Leia."
"Mesa never hearen of hersa before."
"She was on the same team as us during Survivor: Tatooine, don't you remember? Which is exactly why I want revenge on her, of course!"
"No..."
"Hmm. Probably because she's not supposed to be born for another five years. *Ahem* Anyway, she's a princess from Alderaan, and I want you to take something from her."
"Whatsa?"
"Well... the crown jewels of Alderaan."
"WHAT?"
"I have a Nubian Retreiver at my ranch that they would adorn quite nicely, I believe."
"Er... stealen der crowned jewelies of Alderaan?"
"And perhaps her favourite silver fork if you can get hold of it. Yes, my silverware collection is missing an Alderaanian battle-fork."
"But... stealen der-"
"Yes, yes, that's it. Tell you what, I'll send Lord Ty- er... Count Dooku with you on this one. Leia won't be pleased to find her fork gone, and you might need backup."

De-alcoolising Obi's beer, mesa can handle, but now mesa tinken mebbe der Chancellor issen noah entirely on der level. Noah wonderen mesa always losen so much in der poker games. Well, mesa gotta do what hesa sayen. Hesa der boss, after all.

Mission 1: Operation Sober-Obi

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Thu, 22 Dec 2005 08:25:00 +0000

Thissen whole ting seemen a little bitty suspicious. Mesa hassen never hearen of thissen "order 66" before, and mesa tinken der Chancellor hassen an ulterior motive. Hesa always keeped talken to himsaself... But hey, issen can noah be that bad, right?

Mesa sneeken into der Jedi temple berry stealthily, quieterer than a whisper... and bangen into Master Yoda on hissen way out.
"Jar Jar? Doing what you are here, hmm?"
"Er... mesa sorry, Master Yoda, mesa can noah tellen yousa. Official businesses."
"Tell me you will what doing here you are."
"Tellen yousa mesa will whatsa doin here mesa issen..."
"Doing here are you what, Jar Jar?"
"Mesa on a mission for der Chancellor... mesa gotta taken all der alcohol out of Obi's beer supply..."
Yoda's ears perken up when hesa hearen thissen.
"Kenobi's beer? Help you I will. Perhaps less irritating when he is sober, Kenobi will be. Know for certain I do not. Never seen him sober before have I."

Yoda's key getten ussen into Obi's room, but hissen storeroom hassen a different lock. Issen a berry secure combination lock with ten digits.
"Hmm. Use the force to open this, perhaps I can."
Yoda starten to wave hissen hands at der door. Mesa stood back and throwen some boomas at der door.
"Jar Jar! Trying to kill me are y-argh!"
"Oh... sorry, Master Yoda."
Hesa looken unconscious, but hesa will probably be okeyday. And mesa boomas scramblen der combination lock and breaken itsa, so now der door wassen open. Mesa walken inside.

So much beer. Rows and rows of cans, wall to wall and floor to ceiling, and huge piles of cheeto bags too! How much can Obi possibly needen? But dere wassen someone else dere too. A Jedi youngling.
"*Hic* Hi, Jar Jar!" Hesa knowen mesa, but mesa can noah tellen der younglings apart. Human children all looky der same to mesa.
"Whosa are yousa, and why yousa in Obi's beer supply?"
"My name'sh *hic* Harvey. I'm guarding Mashter Kenobi'sh *hic* supply room until he getsh back from TVland."
"Hassen yousa been drinken Obi's beer?" mesa asken.
"Well... I got shtuck in here *hic* and couldn't open the door 'cause it was locked. I got thirsty. And hungry, so I *hic* ate his cheetoes too. Hey, do you *hic* wanna shee my toys? We can play a game if you *hic* want."
"No, mesa busy. Mesa on official business for der Chancellor."
"Oh, okay. Maybe *hic* later."
"HARVEY! There are you! Looking for you for days I have been!"
"Uh-oh..."
"Harvey! Drinking Kenobi's beer have you been? Tell you did I not that old enough to drink beer you are not?"
"But I was thirsty!"
"No buts you may say! Come with me now you must, or give you a force-wedgie I will."
"Fine..."
Harvey and Yoda leaven mesa alone with der beer. Mesa sighed and starten to picken up der cans.

"Jar Jar? What are you doing back so soon?" Mesa closen mesa eyes - der Chancellor wassen still sunnen himsaself in hissen speedo.
"Er... can mesa usen one of yoursa chemical plants? Mesa noah haven der equipment to getten der alcohol out of thissen beer." Mesa pointen at der speeder full of cans parken outside der window.
"Yes, yes, fine. Just make sure you do every can and put them all back exactly as you found them. Obi-Wan, check. Next... how about Princess Leia? Yes, good. Report for your next mission at... er... as soon as I've gotten changed."

Worken for der Chancellor

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 04:34:00 +0000

Mesa arriven at der Chancellor's office thissen mornen, where an horrific scene awaiten mesa. Mesa wassen wearen mesa bestest official robes. In contrast, Palpatine, Supreme Chancellor of der Republic, wassen wearen berry little at all. Mesa became familiar with hissen banana-yellow speedoes along with all der other Survivor: Tatooine contestants a few monthies ago. Today, hissen sunroof wassen open and hesa wassen lyin in a deck chair in der middle of hissen office wearing noahting but speedoes.

"Argh! Mesa eyes!"
"What? What? Oh! Argh! I was just... um... working on my tan... you know... the smog and pollution and stuff..." hesa trailed off.
"Er... mesa sorry, mister Chancellor, sir."
"Hmm? Wha- Oh! Yes, yes - *ahem* - so you should be... uh... Jam Jar, isn't it?"
"Issen Jar Jar. Mesa Jar Jar Binks. Remember?"
"Oh... yes, I remember... One of that bloodsucking Mabitt Tribe... they shall all pay, but this one shall be first, yes..."
"Sorry? Whatsa yousa sayen?"
"*Ahem* Nothing. Now, your first assignment shall be... hmm... perhaps I can turn them against each other... there's Aayla, Fluke, Qui-Gon, Leia, and... ah... Where was I? Your first assignment shall be to... doctor... Obi-Wan Kenobi's beer stocks! Specifically, I want you to remove every trace of alcohol from every can! Muwhahahahaha!"
"Er... mesa yousa office assistant, mister Chancellor, sir. Mesa noah an espionage expert."
"Oh. You aren't?" Hesa seemen disappointed. "Don't they train sub-senators in black-ops anymore? I mean, it's not as if this task is on the level of 'sneak into a guarded facility on Geonosis and plant a bomb to destroy the whole separatist army' now, is it? Well, I want you to try anyway. Use whatever methods seem appropriate. Obi-Wan fights at his best while blind drunk, so this will give me a major advantage when I give Order 66."
"Order 66?"
"Er... Oh, Sithspawn! Did I say that out loud? Well... Order 66 is the order I give when... uh... I want all the Jedi to... hold a tournament! With betting! Yes! And I can bet on whoever is fighting Obi-Wan, you see? Clever, no?"
"Oh. Okeyday. Mesa will try, then. Yousa der boss, mesa supposen."
"Excellent. Right now, Obi-Wan is out on a mission to find a place called 'TVland' looking for a human known as Ernest, so it shouldn't be difficult to sneak into his rooms at the temple and fix this up. Off you go." Mesa goin to leave, but when mesa goin through der door, mesa turnen around.
"Mister Chancellor, sir, maybe yousa should put some pants on."
"What? I'm not nearly finished sunning myself!"

Mesa Been WHAT?

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 06:44:00 +0000

Senator Padme looky at hersa orders again. Den, shesa finally talken.
"This letter says I'm, like... supposed to give you a promotion?"
"Whatsa yousa sayen?"
"A promotion. Queen Jamillia, like, wants to promote you. She says that we can claim the, like, insurance from the water damage and get the office repaired, and this place has been falling apart for months, y'know? And she says that all the official documents that were destroyed were ones that needed to be shredded anyway to cover up our embezz- uh... I mean... never mind."
"So, whatsa mesa promotion gonna be?"
"Hmm. I can't read it, there's a big, messy ink stain on the, like, page. There's a note at the bottom, I think that's the Chancellor's handwriting. It says 'Jar Jar Binks is to be promoted to my "personal assistant" - muwhahahaha!' Like, whatever that means."

Hmm. Mesa suspicious. Der Supreme Chancellor issen berry wierd. Mesa playen poker with himsa and Jawajuice sometimes. Hesa muy muy sneaky and cunning. And hesa tried to getten mesa convicted of murder during mesa duel with Yarael Poof. And some of mesa cousins tinken hesa issen a Sith Lord. And most of hissen invoices are forgeries. On der other hand, mesa will earnen 500 credits a month and getten three weeks paid holiday. Hmm.

Mesa will doin itsa!

A Bad Move, Mesatinks

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Mon, 05 Dec 2005 04:44:00 +0000

Okeyday, so, mesa had der brilliant plan of how to getten der clones out of der office. Mesa maken sure all der doors and windows were sealed tight, den turnen on all der taps mesa could find, in der kitchen and der bathrooms, and on der water cooler. Der whole office fillen up with water. Mesa clones issen all gungans jussen like mesa, so theysa noah died when mesa flooden der office, but mesa swimmen over to one of der windows and openen itsa to washen themsa all out.

Der problem wassen dat, just as mesa openen der window, Sache, Yane, and Eritae arriven at work early. Theysa open der elevator door, and... Yane wassen checked into hospital with hypothermia, but Sache and Eritae were just pissed at mesa. Mesa hassen spenden most of thissen week apologisen to everyonesa.

Thissen mornen, mesa go to Senator Padme's office. Shesa looken in mesa eyes for a few minutes. Shesa can be realyl disturben when shesa noah blinken like thassen. Then, shesa sayen...
"Jar Jar, this... incident... is possibly the worst thing you've ever done. Well, aside from the time you flooded the city of Theed. Now *that* was a really spectacular screw-up! Anyway, because of what's happened here, we're going to have to..." Shesa opened an envelope with hersa orders from der Queen and der Supreme Chancellor in itsa, and readen themsa. Shesa turned der paper upside down, looked at itsa in a mirror, and applied a decryption algorithm to itsa. Den shesa sitten in stunned silence. Mesa hassen tryen to wake hersa up, but noahting worken. Mesa gonna check hersa again later.

Uh-oh...

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Tue, 29 Nov 2005 09:02:00 +0000

Oookeyday... Mesa clone grew up into a proper Jar Jar berry fast. Itsa almost identical to mesa, and obeyen mesa every order without question. But... theresa a problem...

Mesa took der clone to worken early today, before anyone else getten dere. Mesa noah wanten anyone to noticen two of mesa walken in der door! Once wesa both in der building, mesatinks mesa can hide in mesa office doing paperwork and noahone will noticen, while der clone do other jobs. But while mesa wassen showing der clone around der office... Dere wassen a little bitty accidenty with der shredder. Der clone... eh... fed itsaself through der shredder. Itsa jammen der shredder, but got cut into two pieces.

Mesa wassen goin to hide der... remains... and pretenden noahting had happenen... but der Kaminoans mussen have builden thissen clone to lasten... noah wonder issen wassen so expensive. Each half grew into another clone, half der size of mesa. Theysa started walken about der office. Mesatinks dere wassen someting wrong with theirsa brains, since theysa doin noahting right. Theysa maken more of a mess dan mesa ever did. And whenever theysa hurten themsaselves, a bit of themsa fallen off. And growen into a complete Jar Jar clone.

Mesa hiden in mesa office with der door closen. Mesatinks theresa are hundreds of miniature Jar Jars walken around oursa office. And Senator Padme gonna be here in two hours!

Kamino

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Sat, 26 Nov 2005 07:14:00 +0000

Mesa came up with a great way to increase mesa productivity! Mesa can get mesaself cloned! Issen simple, but effective. Mesa can tell der Kaminoans to make a physicallly perfect copy of mesa, but with almost no mind, so itsa will obey mesa every order without question. Den, mesa can send itsa about der building to run errands, while mesa handlen der paperwork in mesa office. Issen foolproof!

Mesa got to Kamino thissen mornen (mesa travellen business class - noah tell Senator Padme, okeyday?). Issen berry windy here, and all der walls inside be white. So boring. Der Kaminoans sayen theysa needen some of mesa genetic material, so mesa gave themsa a sock. Theysa sayen a sock issen not genetic material. Hmph. One of themsa tried to scrape some skin from mesa neck with a knife after dat! Mesa fighten back, of course. For anaemic anorexics, theysa are pretty tough.

Der next ting mesa knowen, mesa waken up in a lab and a Kaminoan issen handen mesa a test-tube. Hesa sayen mesa clone wassen inside. How can a clone of mesa fit inside a little test tube? Mesa tinken hesa lying, but hesa would noah given mesa anyting else, so mesa will have to make do with thissen. Hesa given mesa a bottle of blue stuff dat hesa sayen wassen special advanced growth acceleration formula. Hesa tellen mesa to pour der whole bottle into der test tube tonight, and der clone would grow into a copy of mesa overnight. Hesa also sayen dat issen experimental, and der side effects could include something-or-other... hesa coughed a lot, and mesa could noah hearen himsa.

Hmm.

Looks can be decieving

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Wed, 23 Nov 2005 11:05:00 +0000

Mesa job issen harder than itsa looken. If mesa make one teensy tiney mistake, taxes on Naboo could be raised to 89%, or Senator Padme's electricity bill mebbe be diverted to de Supreme Chancellor and get himsa berry angry, or de Naboo royal fleet could be mortgaged. Mesa spake from personal experience here (unfortunately). All itsa can taken issen one word misspelled, or a comma left out... or mebbe mesa forgetten to read der whole paper before mesa signen itsa. But thassen noah happenen berry often. Honest.

So, itsa easy for mesa to screwen up big time with one itty bitty accidenty. But whenever someting bad happen, everyone always yellen at mesa! "Jar Jar, you broke the coffee machine!" "Jar Jar, you ruined the air conditioning!" "Jar Jar, you destroyed Coruscant's central power station!" Noahone actually realises how hard mesa job is!

Especially not Senator Padme.

Mesa come into hersa office for mesa performance review. Itsa noah going well.
"Jar Jar, you've really caused us a lot of trouble this year. I mean, I could almost forgive you for the time you signed a form to have the palace at Theed demolished, and the time you e-mailed the self-destruct codes for my ship to the Separatists, and the time you fed my senatorial inauguration speech through the shredder..."
One hour later...
"...and even the time you relocated our office to the lower city, but the time you cut my margarita budget by 20% was simply the last straw!" Then shesa huffing and puffing for a few minutes. Senator Padme can talken for a long time on one breath. "Look, Jar Jar, you know I think you're just about the cutest mascot we're ever going to get ahold of for less than a hundred credits a month, but if you don't improve... a lot... very quickly, I'm going to have to fire you."

Well... whatsa mesa gonna do? If mesa readen all der forms Senator Padme given mesa before mesa signen themsa, itsa would taken far too long! There mussen be some way mesa can do everyting right and still have plenty of spare time to watch all of Boss Nass's game shows and eat jarfuls of peanut butter...

Performance Reviews

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 20:15:00 +0000

Issen time for mesa yearly performance review at Senator Padme's office. Mesa pretty sure itsa will going well. Aside from der time when mesa screwed up all of Senator Padme's paperwork for weeks and almost got der royal palace on Naboo demolished, and aside from all der paperwork mesa forgetten to do while mesa wassen on Survivor: Tatooine, and aside from der time mesa exploden der coffee machine and incineraten most of Senatorial Decoy Eritae's apartment at oursa new-year's bash (mesa will tellen yousa dat story sometime)... Aside from all thassen, mesa hassen doin pretty well thissen year.

Mesa sure itsa will worken out. Senator Padme issen berry fair and never vengeful. Except when shesa been drinking too many margaritas. Den shesa getten nasty.

P.S.: Master Yoda issen helpen mesa set up a poll for mesa best 10 posts, but itsa will taken a little while, since mesa computer haten mesa and wanten mesa dead.

100

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Tue, 15 Nov 2005 09:23:00 +0000

Wow. Mesa hassen maken one hundred posts on mesa blog! Thissen a great achievement, mesa tinken, like der time mesa going a whole week without staining one of mesa official robes - although, der next day, mesa ackidentally... dropping one into der furnace. But thassen noah important, really, mesatinks.

Anyway, mesa would doing someting like Master Yoda (hesa hassen just made hissen two-hundredth post today - go and see) and starten a poll for mesa best ten posts. But... eh heh... mesa having noah idea how. So... Mesa gonna sitten here and looky at der number 100.

Mesa bored now. Okeyday, here's how mesa gonna doing itsa. If yousa wanten, e-mailen mesa to tellen mesa what yousa tinken some of mesa best posts are. Mesa can putten themsa in some kind of orderen, and thassen will have to do. Mesa needen to asken Master Yoda how hesa maken polls for hissen blog some time.

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Epliogue

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Sat, 12 Nov 2005 09:14:00 +0000

The Narrator: In the concussion ward of Mos Eisley General Hospital, Jar Jar, Frick, and Frack have just arrived outside E'etooi's room, hoping to pay the crazy archvillain a visit. As they are about to enter, Jawajuice walks out of the door.
Jar Jar: Hidoe, JJ! How yousa doin'?
Jawajuice: Oh, all things considered, I've been worse.
Frick: Look, Jawajuice, we're sorry we... like... crashed our spaceship on your uncle's head.
Frack: Yeah, really sorry... Psst! Frick was driving!
Frick: I heard that!
Jawajuice: There's nothing to apologise for. Apparently, you did the crazy old coot a favour. The doctors tell me that an injury like that would normally be enough to really screw with someone's mind. Of course, Uncle E'etooi's mind was already pretty surreal. It seems that, for the first time in about twenty years, he's been adding two and two together and *not* getting Thursday.
Frack: Whoohoo! So, not only have we saved the galaxy from an insane master criminal, but we actually restored his sanity!
Frick: Another great victory for the Followers of Ol' Fluke! Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to go and find Fluke. We heard a rumour he was on Dantooine...
The Narrator: They leave, discussing the possible whereabouts of Fluke Starbucker.
Jar Jar: So, hesa gonna be okeyday? Mesa knowen hesa usen mesa for hissen evil schemes... and tryen to kill Qui-Gon a second time... and corrupten mesa grandmother and turnen hersa to der dark side... and tryen to taken over Quermia... noah to mentionen hissen master plan to dominaten der whole galaxy with evil fast-food chains... but hesa still mesa old apprentice, so...
Jawajuice: Yeah. He's going to be just fine. Visiting hours don't end for another twenty minutes, if you want to see him.
Jar Jar: Okeyday. Mesa seein' yousa around, okeyday?
The Narrator: Jawajuice leaves the building, and Jar Jar goes into E'etooi's room.

The Narrator: Six months later...
Jar Jar: Hey! How yousa knowen whatsa gonna happenen in six months?
The Narrator (exasperated): Look, I'm the Narrator, all right? I know these things. Anyway, six months later...

E'etooi is back on Tatooine with his partially sane wife, Krip'ooi, and the rest of his family. He thought about opening a salad bar to atone for his crimes, but was stymied by the utter lack of salad on Tatooine, and eventually decided to work as a psychiatrist for the Tatooine branch of Dr. Happtise's clinic.
Tup Tup Binks fulfilled her childhood dream of becoming an interstellar bounty hunter (the first Gungan ever to make a living in the field). Without regular surgery to replace her blood with that of a ysalamir, her force immunity has faded. However, she is still... well... a fair to decent bounty hunter.
The numerous assorted potato businesses across the galaxy that Jar Jar had mysteriously come into possession of got back on their feet when their executives were all discovered tied up in E'etooi's basement. This is the largest concentration of executives seen in such a small space since before the dawn of the Republic. It is unknown yet whether the psychological damage they caused to each other will be permanent.
Frick continues the hunt for Fluke, searching the tallest trees of Kashyyyk, the darkest valleys of Korriban, and the deepest oceans of Kamino (as well as the local Wal-Mart).
Meanwhile, Frack is also searching for Fluke, adeptly scouting lots of other inaccessible places that Frick hasn't already looked through.
And as for me (remember, the Narrator?) I've recently joined F.O.O.F.! It's just the sort of job for me - following an important person and commentating on everything he does because I'll sure as heck never be as cool as him! Maybe I'll narrate for Jar Jar and Yarael Poof now and then, but right now, I'm off to help Frick and Frack find Fluke!

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Finale

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 09:10:00 +0000

The Narrator: Yarael Poof kicked me out, so I figured I might as well narrate for the final showdown between Jar Jar and E'etooi. So, where was I? Jar Jar approaches the caravan door and climbs the steps in front of it. He then slips and falls back down again. He tries again, with the same result. The third time, he manages to get to the door and knock on it. E'etooi opens the door.
E'etooi: Who's there?
The Narrator: The door hits Jar Jar in the face and knocks him to the ground again.
Jar Jar: Ergh!
The Narrator: He grabs the potato lying next to his unconscious grandmother and lobs it at E'etooi, knocking the deranged Jawa over. He rushes forward to pick it up again.
E'etooi *clambering to his feet*: OW! What was that for?
Jar Jar: Usen mesa to helpen yousa taken over der galaxy!
E'etooi: Oh... right, that. Well, since you've managed to escape my control, let's see if you can escape my wrath! Heeheeheeheehee!
The Narrator: He holds out his left hand to invoke the power of the Dark Side of Cuisine. Jar Jar panics and hold the potato protectivly in front of him. To everyone's great surprise, it helps.
E'etooi: My powers aren't working? What the hey?
Jar Jar: Eh... Wait... Thissen issen an all-natural, uncooked potato, with der healthy skin still attached! Issen a powerful symbol of der Light Side of Cuisine!
E'etooi: Really? Cool. Uh... so... what do I do now?
Jar Jar: Well... yousa could surrenderen?
E'etooi: Never! Yeeaargh!
The Narrator: Jar Jar throws the potato at him again. He stumbles back into his caravan. Suddenly, a small spaceship drops out of the sky.
Jar Jar: Uh-oh...
The Narrator: He backs away, very quickly. The spaceship lands smack on top of E'etooi's caravan and crushes it, sustaining minimal damage itself.
Jar Jar: Okay... Hello? Issen anyone theresa?
The Narrator: A hatch on top of the spaceship opens, and a head pops up over the rim. A head wearing a home-made blast helmet. It is followed by another head. This one's blast helmet is patched up with sellotape.
Frick: Hey, buddy!
Jar Jar: Frick? Frack? Whatsa yousa doin heresa?
Frack: Well, we heard you were in trouble, and all us FooFers swear a solemn oath to help any of Fluke's friends when they need it - and you're... well... sort of Fluke's friend. So here we are: F.O.O.F., in all our glory, ready to assist you!
Frick: Besides, we can't find Fluke right now, so we don't have much else to do.
Frack: So, right! We're here, where's the danger?
Jar Jar *pointing*: Under yoursa ship.
Frack: ... Oh.
Frick: Maybe we should call 911.

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 7

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Tue, 08 Nov 2005 06:30:00 +0000

Okeyday... Noahone hassen responden to mesa call for help. Typical. Sometimes, mesa tinken everyone really haten mesa and only ever comen near mesa so theysa can watchen mesa trip over mesa shoelac- yargh!
*Jar Jar falls flat on his face*
Ouchie.

Mesa issen in E'etooi's trailor park home. Issen deserted, excepten for a few realtors. Hesa in hissen caravan - mesa can see himsa through one of der holes in der wall. Mesa issen guarden by mesa grandmother. Shesa wassen always so nice to mesa, maken woolly pink cardigans and cookies, so why shea so evil now?

"Mesa can seein what yousa typen, Jar Jar."

"Oh... eh... heh heh..."

"Mesa probably should noah tellen yousa, but hey, whatsa could happenen? Mesa meeten E'etooi a few years ago, while yousa were away with yousa fancy government duties - ungrateful grandkid that yousa are. Hesa promissen mesa power, respect, and a great dental plan. Hesa wassen lying. Five years later, and mesa teeth are fallen out. But der power and respect part... Sure, itsa taken a bit of surgery, but mesa immune to Force attacks now! Mesa bombad at fighting Jedi!"
Hmm... mesa tinken mesa can doin someting about thissen - mesa still hassen one potato in mesa pocket. If mesa can squeezen der juice out of itsa, mesa can maken a magical potion to incapicacassitaten hersa! Mesa jussen needen to keepen hersa busy a little longer...

"Why would yousa wanten to fighten Jedi?"

"Well... when mesa wassen a kid, mesa wassen always wanten to be a bounty hunter, or an Intergalactic Gladiator, or someting like thassen. Theysa berry cool jobs!"

"Ooookeyday... So, whatsa E'etooi wanten with mesa?"

"Hesa jussen wanten someone to control hissen takeover of der galaxy for himsa whil hesa busy with roadkill taxidermy. Anyonesa could doing itsa, but hesa wanten revenge on yousa as well."

"Revenge? Mesa? Why?"

"Issen rule number 42 of der Darksider's Handbook - Any apprentice whosa turnen to der Dark Side mussen seeken revenge on theirsa former master."

"Oh. Mesa should have noah asken. How yousa becomen immune to der Force?"

"Mesa hassen Ysalamiri blood in mesa veins now - theysa block Force powers with der anti-midichlorians in theirsa blood. E'etooi sayen mebbe mesa would getten anaemia or someting, but thassen probably noahting important."

"Okeyday... Well, whatever thassen meanen..." Mesa out of questions! Issen now or never!

*Jar Jar throws the potato at Tuppaware Tuppaware's head, knocking her out.*

Well... Issen easier then maken a potion. Now, mesa mussen confronten E'etooi...

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 6

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Sun, 06 Nov 2005 10:08:00 +0000

Whassen mesa doin? Mesa realisen thissen mornen dat mesa been producen der same kinds of food mesa swearen to purge from der galaxy! Deep-fried chips dripping with fat... Der strange guy in der brown robe came to mesa apartment thissen morning. Hesa tellen mesa to expanden into other fast food... chicken nuggets made of reconstituted fat and gristle, soft-serve ice cream made of chicken fat... Mesa snappen out of itsa then. And then, mesa realisen whosa hesa wassen.

Jawajuice's crazy uncle E'etooi. And mesa grandmother, Tuppaware Tuppaware Binks, wassen with himsa! Mesa should have knowen dat hesa wassen behind der troubles on Naboo a few weeks ago! Theysa noah liken dat mesa wassen noah longer going along with theirsa plans. So now, mesa locked up in E'etooi's cargo ship, headen for der trailor park on Tatooine where hesa liven. Mesa may as well passen der time tellen yousa all someting... *Sigh* Mesa used to knowen himsa, before E'etooi turnen evil like thissen...

Before mesa becomen Senator Padme's assistant here, mesa wassen a plumber on Naboo, in Otoh Gunga city. Mesa wassen noah a bombad plumber. Mesa wassen so bad at plumbing, mesa getten exiled for itsa. Yousa knowen how itsa issen. But before mesa wassen a plumber, mesa wassen a chef. Der best chef in Otoh Gunga, probabibly der best chef on Naboo. Mesa cakes wassen renowned throughout der Gungan world, mesa roast dinners wassen famed. Den, assen der custom goes, mesa taken on an apprentice.

E'etooi. Mesa meeten himsa at a cullinary summit on Tatooine. Hissen clan happenen to be hosten itsa. Mesa never meeten hissen immediate family, but mesa met hissen nephew, Jawajuice, later. Mesa taken himsa on as an apprentice chef. Hesa had bombad talent! Hesa could maken an appetizen, non-fattening meal out of roadkill (in fact, thassen wassen hissen specialty - hesa wassen a little insane even then). Jawas were never good chefs, but wesa all tinken hesa would be a Master Chef before long - maybe even get a seat on der Chef Council.

But E'etooi wassen seduced by der Dark Side of Cuisine. Hissen meals became more and more unhealthy as time passen, and eventualally, hesa discovered der secret of maken food with 105% fat content. Itsa could have been a disaster, but wesa were lucky. Der power of der Dark Side of Cuisine wassen too much for himsa, and hesa wassen driven insane. Hesa goen back to Tatooine, to hissen family. Mesa never seein himsa again. Mesa gave up being a chef after that. How could mesa keep going? Mesa apprentice had become der greatest Dark Chef ever! Mesa had hopen hesa would never come back, that hesa would be happy on hissen homeworld, practising taxidermy on der roadkill hesa used to so elegantly cook. Mesa tinken hesa came back because hissen nephew, Jawajuice, became such a greater cook than hesa ever wassen. Now, hesa mussen be stopped.

Wesa hassen arriven at Tatooine. If anyone can hearen mesa, now would be a good time to come and helpen out!

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 5

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Thu, 03 Nov 2005 10:22:00 +0000

Yousa knowen what? Thissen noah such a bad idea after all! Mesa hassen been sellen deep-fried food for less dan two days, and mesa maken' a killing! Everyting goin' mesa way for some reason - most of der potato businesses of der galaxy be fallen' into mesa lap for noah apparent reasonen, der ones dat noah did hassen goin' bust, and theresa hassen been huge increasen in demand for fatty deep-fried food. Dat strange short guy with der glowing eyes, mesa seen himsa lots more times around der building. And every time hesa looken at mesa with hissen big, round eyes, thissen all seemen' like a better and better plan.

Mesa hassen noah been getten much of mesa paperwork done, but Senator Padme issen away on Naboo so shesa will noah noticen. Mesa far too busy at mesa computer, orchestraten potato companies and fast food stores across der galaxy. Issen almost-

*Jar Jar slumps over his keyboard. A diminuitive figure in a brown robe shuffles from the shadows towards him and begins typing*.

Well. It seems this tool has done his work well. McDooku's has strayed too far along the path of healthy reighteousness. Whatever happened to the old, brutal, - heehee - cholesterol-loving Darth Tyrannus will not happen again. Jar Jar Binks will rule the fast food empires of the galaxy as my puppet, while I can live in comfort here on Coruscant, stuffing - heehooha - roadkill to my heart's content (the trick is to wait until it has festered for at least a week - and my relatives call me insane). Soon, Qui-Gon and my infernal nephew Jawajuice will lose their brownie empire and- oh, bugger. They read this blog, don't they? Hmph. Well, I won't reveal any more of my - teeheehee - *brilliantly* maniacal plan here! I'll just leave my old master to his work... heehee!

*He retreats back into the shadows, and Jar Jar wakes up suddenly, oblivious to all that has happened*

*Phew*... mesa hassen berry bombad headache... mesa needen panadol...

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 4

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 23:08:00 +0000

Mesa sorry mesa hassen noah posten for a while, but mesa hassen bein so busy! All dese potatoes to buy and sell and cook, with so many potato plantations on other planets to run... And mesa hassen mesa regular job doin' Senator Padme's paperworken, and sometimes some of hersa handmaidens pretenden to bein hersa (issen theirsa job, so theysa good at itsa) to tricken mesa into doin theirsa paperworken as well! *Huff* *Puff*

Someting berry suspicious happenen yesterday. Mesa wassen goin' to der convenience store down der street to getten some milk in der evening, and mesa meeten a short guy hidden in der shadows of an alleyway. Mesa would have missen himsa if hesa had noah callen out to mesa. Anyway, hesa suggesten dat mesa potato business could be better dan itsa issen now. Thissen pretty obvious to mesa. Der organizational structure issen in ruins, and half der potatoes issen rottin' in der fields.

But thissen guy suggesten someting else. Hesa tinken mesa potato company could really taken off if mesa sellen deep-fried tings. Fatty foods, like McDooku's usen. Der kind of tings dat given people cholesterol poisonin' and heart disease. Mesa sayen mesa would noah doin' thassen. But den, hesa looken mesa in der eye. Hissen eyes were big, round and glowed yellow. Issen really freaky, but when mesa looken in hissen eyes, hissen ideas seemen like a good plan after all. Mesa wassen berry scared den, so mesa hurryen off to get mesa milk. When mesa comen' back, hesa wassen gone.

Hmm... Hissen voice sounden strangely familiar...

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Wed, 26 Oct 2005 03:48:00 +0000

Everting hassen been goin' mesa way, recently. After mesa starten to maken more kinds of potato products, mesa hassen been sellen lots. And, mesa noah knowen why, but several potato plantations in der Ireland System hassen been goin' bankrupt all at once. Even stranger, all of theirsa land and resources issen bein' given to mesa! Mesa tinken thissen a bit suspicious... But at least mesa wierd luck issen good thissen time!

Probably, mesa should senden a few crates to Naboo. Theysa had a hurricane theresa a few weeks ago, but Senator Padme sayen that if mesa goin, mesa probably would maken itsa worse. Hmm. Shesa probably right. But anyway, der potatoes will helpen, mesatinks.

Ding! You've got mail.

More potato plantations goin bankrupt... And theysa bein' transferred to mesa as well... Why would thissen happenen? Mesa hassen noah really doin thassen much... Ah well. Issen noah important.

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 08:38:00 +0000

Mesa hassen setten up mesa shop. Issen noah difficult - when mesa getten a new air-conditioner, itsa noah goin in der same place as der old one. So dere issen a hole in der wall where mesa old AC went. Der workmen sayen issen a "memento". Hmm. Well, mesa hassen taken der boards off der hole and starten sellen mesa potatoes out der "window". Of course, mesa customers requiren meticulolous preparation of der potatoes. Theysa mussen bein washen, and dryen, and sprayen with pesticide (noahone seemen to wanten potatoes thassen been near mesa, for some reason) and washen again, run through der spin cycle on Mrs Strudleheimen's washen machine, and finally autographen by famous Jedi Masters. Mesa finden itsa berry difficult. But mesa breaken even! Today, mesa maken a profit of... 2 credits! Well, until someone comen by to getten a refund (hesa sayen Fluke Starbucker issen noah a famous Jedi Master - hmph). Now mesa hassen noah profit, but noah expenses. Could be worse.

Of course, if mesa maken some nutritious low-fat potato chips to sellen...

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Jar Jar Binks) — Sat, 22 Oct 2005 08:40:00 +0000

Mesa been putten up with itsa for a while now. But mesa can noah more. Mesa bedroom issen full of potatoes. Every since FOOF's decoraten spree. Mesa bath hassen been replacen. Mesa air conditioning issen noah longer tryen to kill mesa. But mesa still haven a terrarium instead of a bedroom. Mesa been sleepen in mesa fish tank for weeks. Someting mussen be doing. Mesa hassen come to a decision, jussen thissen afternoon.

Mesa gonna start sellen potatoes as a spare income source.

Yousa tinken mesa crazy? Well, thassen whatsa Senator Padme sayen. And Captain Typho. And Ani. And Obi. And mesa cousins back home on Naboo. Well... pretty much everyone mesa talken to. But since when hassen mesa caren about common sense? Mesa hearen of itsa, but itsa sounden like a load of hooey to mesa. Anyway, a nice small business sellen der potatoes from mesa bedside garden. Mesa will only sellen healthy foods, noah like der stuff thassen McDooku's *SPIT* issen famous for. Whatsa could happenen?