Thursday, January 12, 2006

Order 67?

Mesa had mesa sunglasses on berry tightly, but theysa noah were needen. Der Chancellor wassen dressed when mesa walken in. Thassen a first. Hesa wassen talken to a clone trooper on a comlink, and hissen back wassen to mesa.
"No, I can't be sure he's working against me. Just like you couldn't be sure whether or not the Invisible Hand and three Separatist capital ships were closing in to attack Corellia last week. No, no excuses, please, commander. Just be ready to initiate order 67."
"That's the one where we get you a frankfurter with extra mustard to go, right?" Der commander looken puzzled.
"NO, you idiot! That's order 76! Or was it 75? Order 67 is-" Den mesa sneezen.

"ARGH!" Palpatine turnen off der commlink. "Jam Jar, what in the force are you doing here?"
"Er... mesa work here."
"Oh. Yes. Right. *Ahem*." Hesa looken at der floor.
"Mister Chancellor?"
"What? Are you still here?"

"Yousa noah given mesa der next mission yet, sir."
"Oh, yes, right. I daresay you know Fluke Starbucker?"
"Yes..."
"He is a Founder of the New Jedi Order Wannabe. That means that if the Jedi order ever falls, his job is to pick up the pieces and found a New Jedi order."

"Issen nice to know theysa have a contingency plan. Der Jedi aresa berry wise."
"Yes, but it does aggravate things for me, rather. What with... you know... order 66."
"Order 66?"
"What? Haven't I told you that one?"
"No..."
"Oh, well thank the force for that. Who knows what you'd be able to screw up if you had access to top-level secret plans like that. Anyway, Fluke Starbucker. I want you to... how do you say this tactfully? Terminate him."

"Eh? What for? Hesa a nice man. And hesa a FotNJOW. Hesa doin all kinds of heroic deeds, like fighten Darth Tater, and-"
"Oh, be quiet! I've heard enough about Fluke Starbucker's heroic deeds, thank you! I know you're not an assassin, technically..."
"Mesa noah an assassin, period."

"...but I am giving you a direct order. Order 492, as it happens. Now hop to it!"

"Aayla Secura speaking."
"Hesa wanten mesa to kill Fluke Starbucker! Whatsa mesa gonna do!?"

"Okay, Jar, just stay calm. There's gotta be a way around this..."
"Fluke can noah hiden like Qui-Gon! Qui-Gon issen dead, but Fluke hassen heroic deeds to performen!"
"Look, I have a plan. Obviously, it would be wrong for you to even try to assassinate a FotNJOW. But if you can pretend like you attacked him and lost..."

"Den mesa can hiden somewhere and der Supreme Chancellor will never knowen!"
"Exactly. You have to disappear, Jar Jar. I'll ask Fluke to put on a show; pretend he's been attacked. I'm sure he owes me a favor from someplace or other. As for you, I have some contacts in Core Worlds TV. They have a job opening as presenter on a game show. It's out of the way, you'll be close to home, and Palpatine won't know a thing about it until the show airs, which won't be until October, at least. In the mean time, I'll find some way for you to vanish permanently."
"Well... mesa supposen mesa accept."
"Great. Pack your bags and take the first available flight back to Naboo. And Jar Jar?"
"Yessen?"
"Did the Chancellor say anything about 'Order 66'?"
"A little..."
"Did he say what it meant?"
"No." Aayla sighen.

"Back to research, for me then. One last thing. Don't use your blog anymore. It's probably tapped."

Inside Palpatine's office, the old Chancellor attentively watches a hologram of Jar Jar and Aayla talking via commlink.
Aayla: I'll ask Fluke to put on a show; pretend he's been attacked. I'm sure he owes me a favor from someplace or other. As for you-
Suddenly, the image blurs, crackles, and vanishes. Palpatine looks at the projector angrily and hits it. Nothing happens. He tries again, and again. Nothing happens. He throws a short tantrum, hits the device once more, and illicits a response.
Aayla: -last thing. Don't use your blog anymore. It's probably tapped.
Palpatine: Bah!
He crosses to a viewscreen on the wall, and taps several buttons next to it. A man's face appears on the screen.
???: Hey, Palpy, what's up?
Palpatine: I told you not to call me that! The man's smile hardens.
???: I'll call you whatever I please. The fans want to know your first name, sure. But as long as I don't give you one, I can use whichever abusive term suits me in our little chats. You're lucky I don't use that little name your mummy had for you when you were a youngling.
Palpatine: Grr...
???: So, Palpy. What do you want?
Palpatine: It's about Jam Jar.
???: Jar Jar.
Palpatine: Whatever. He's definitely working with Aayla Secura against me.
???: *sighs* I suppose there's nothing for it. It'll have to be Order 67. The fans have been clamouring for it for years, you know. Some of those websites...
Palpatine: So, when can I give Order 66?
???: All in good time, Palps. Steve the Spider assures me that the opportune moment will arrive at the end of Episode III. Just 67 for now. And, by the force, be humane. You know I have a soft spot for Jar Jar, or I would have written him off a long time ago. Remember that.

Palpatine: Yes, sir... Can I just torture him a little bit? Just a teensy-
???: Be quiet. The image on the screen disappears.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Mission 4: Operation "Ghostbuster"

Okeyday, issen noah gonna be difficult. Jussen convincen Qui-Gon dat hesa better hide for a while to escapen der chancellor's wrath. Easy.

Qui-Gon: Man, have you been, like, doing Death Sticks?
Jar Jar: No, mesa serious! Der supreme chancellor senden mesa her to banishen yousa!
Qui-Gon: Whoa. Far out, man. Hesa paused. Like, are you sure about the Death Sticks? Cause they can give you some serious hallucinations.
Jar Jar: Mesa noah been doin Death Sticks, okeyday? Mesa noah wanten to go home and retinken mesa life!
Qui-Gon: You are serious, aren't you, Jar? Look, man, I'm cool with the whole self-preservation thing. But I can't run and hide.
Jar Jar: Thissen noah a time to be worryen about being a coward!
Qui-Gon: It's not that. I'm, like, the public face of Uncle Jinn & JJ's brownies! I'm a benign, fatherly, force-ghost. Jawajuice... well, no offense to JJ, man, but have you ever seen a Jawa under those hoods they all wear? That is nasty!
Jawajuice: It's true. Losing Qui could hurt our sales. People just don't trust Jawas. I mean, only 20% or so of us are kleptomaniacs, but people just don't buy from us. On Tatooine, they ain't got no choice. But neither do we - the rest of the galaxy is pretty much enemy territory. Why do you think our race still lives there? Jeez, it's not as if we like it.
Jar Jar: Yousa noah understanden! Der chancellor issen after Qui-Gon, and if mesa can noah proven to Palpatine dat mesa banishen himsa, hesa will firen mesa and senden someone else - maybe a professional exorcist.
Qui-Gon: Look, Jar Jar, if you can, like, find a replacement for me, I'll go and hide somewhere. But it's just, like, temporary. Don't expect me to sit around on Dantooine or some place chewing spice forever.
Jar Jar: A replaceyment? Hmm...

Ten minutes later, outside the local Wal-Mart...
Qui-Gon: Like, are you sure about this?
Jar Jar: Of course mesa sure. Cousin Can Can hassen never letten mesa down. Although, since mesa never relyen on hersa for anyting in der first place...
Can Can Binks: Okeyday, kids! Uncle Jinn & JJ's super-secret recipie brownies, now available in coffee flavour!
Human Child: Where's Uncle Qui-Gon?
Can Can Binks: Er... hesa busy. Hesa go away on business trip. To visiten hissen mother-in-law.
Human Child: But you said business?
Can Can Binks: Er... kid, letten mesa tellen yousa someting about mothers-in-law...
Jawajuice: This had better be temporary, Qui. I'm serious.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Mesa a Doubly Agent - Cool, Huh?

Mesa standen in front of Supreme Chancellor Palpatine's office door again. Thissen time, mesa wassen prepared for whatever horrible sight awaiten mesa. Mesa putten on der sunglasses Aayla given mesa on Ryloth.
"I got these for a couple of credits off a trader from some planet called Betelgeuce. Never heard of the place myself," shesa had sayen. "They're peril-sensitive sunglasses - at the first sign of danger, they turn completely black. I don't know what use they might have in a combat situation..." shesa frowned, "But if you walk in on the Chancellor wearing his speedoes again, they should prevent you from seeing anything."
Mesa had been confusen then, but mesa wassen glad to have der sunglasses now. Aayla had senden mesa back to Coruscant to work for der Chancellor again, to get hersa more information about whatsa hesa wassen doin. Mesa taken a deep breath, and openen der door.

As soon as mesa looken inside, der sunglasses turned pitch-black.
"Mister Chancellor? Are yousa wearing anyting?"
"Jam Jar? Of course I'm wearing something - can't you see this electric-blue speedo?"
"No! And mesa noah wanten to!"
"Well, good. I'm sick of you walking in here in sneaking peaks of me in my underwear."
"Der feeling issen mutual. Mesa here to report on mesa last mission."
"Oh, good. Well, how did it go?"
"Er... well, shesa noah suspecten a ting. Itsa never even occuren to hersa to looken into Darkside Foods."
"Excellent, excellent. I won't have to kill her yet, then, I'll save her for Order 66..."
"What did yousa say?"
"*Ahem* I said, I'll have to save her some fish sticks. I'm having seafood tonight, you know. Now, I'm sure you're eager to be off on your next mission. We have only two targets left."
"Targets?"
"Er... never mind. Your next mission is to do with your old friend, Qui-Gon Jinn. It's very simple. I need you to banish him to the ether."

"WHAT?"
"The ether. You know, the metaphysical realm inhabited by dead force-users? I need you to put him there and make sure he can't get back for at least a decade."
"How?"
"Oh, be creative. You know a few Gungan shaman tricks, don't you? I'm sure you'll figure something out."
"But... whysa?"
"Because I told you to. Now go and complete your next mission."

Mesa turnen around and walken into der wall. Mesa peril-sensitive sunglasses were still black. Mesa fumblen around, finden der door, and walken through it. When der door closed, der sunglasses went clear again. Mesa took out mesa cellphone and dialed Aayla's number.
"Hello, Aayla speaking."
"Aayla? Der Chancellor wanten mesa to banish Qui-Gon to der ether! What should mesa do!"
"That can't be good. Why would he want Qui out of the way? If he's going after Force-ghosts, there must be something going on... Look, just convince Qui-Gon to lay low for a while, and find something that'll make the Chancellor believe you've done it. I dunno, get a replica of his lightsabre or something. I should check on Yarael Poof as well. Palpatine's up to something..."