Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Uh-oh...

Oookeyday... Mesa clone grew up into a proper Jar Jar berry fast. Itsa almost identical to mesa, and obeyen mesa every order without question. But... theresa a problem...

Mesa took der clone to worken early today, before anyone else getten dere. Mesa noah wanten anyone to noticen two of mesa walken in der door! Once wesa both in der building, mesatinks mesa can hide in mesa office doing paperwork and noahone will noticen, while der clone do other jobs. But while mesa wassen showing der clone around der office... Dere wassen a little bitty accidenty with der shredder. Der clone... eh... fed itsaself through der shredder. Itsa jammen der shredder, but got cut into two pieces.

Mesa wassen goin to hide der... remains... and pretenden noahting had happenen... but der Kaminoans mussen have builden thissen clone to lasten... noah wonder issen wassen so expensive. Each half grew into another clone, half der size of mesa. Theysa started walken about der office. Mesatinks dere wassen someting wrong with theirsa brains, since theysa doin noahting right. Theysa maken more of a mess dan mesa ever did. And whenever theysa hurten themsaselves, a bit of themsa fallen off. And growen into a complete Jar Jar clone.

Mesa hiden in mesa office with der door closen. Mesatinks theresa are hundreds of miniature Jar Jars walken around oursa office. And Senator Padme gonna be here in two hours!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Kamino

Mesa came up with a great way to increase mesa productivity! Mesa can get mesaself cloned! Issen simple, but effective. Mesa can tell der Kaminoans to make a physicallly perfect copy of mesa, but with almost no mind, so itsa will obey mesa every order without question. Den, mesa can send itsa about der building to run errands, while mesa handlen der paperwork in mesa office. Issen foolproof!

Mesa got to Kamino thissen mornen (mesa travellen business class - noah tell Senator Padme, okeyday?). Issen berry windy here, and all der walls inside be white. So boring. Der Kaminoans sayen theysa needen some of mesa genetic material, so mesa gave themsa a sock. Theysa sayen a sock issen not genetic material. Hmph. One of themsa tried to scrape some skin from mesa neck with a knife after dat! Mesa fighten back, of course. For anaemic anorexics, theysa are pretty tough.

Der next ting mesa knowen, mesa waken up in a lab and a Kaminoan issen handen mesa a test-tube. Hesa sayen mesa clone wassen inside. How can a clone of mesa fit inside a little test tube? Mesa tinken hesa lying, but hesa would noah given mesa anyting else, so mesa will have to make do with thissen. Hesa given mesa a bottle of blue stuff dat hesa sayen wassen special advanced growth acceleration formula. Hesa tellen mesa to pour der whole bottle into der test tube tonight, and der clone would grow into a copy of mesa overnight. Hesa also sayen dat issen experimental, and der side effects could include something-or-other... hesa coughed a lot, and mesa could noah hearen himsa.

Hmm.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Looks can be decieving

Mesa job issen harder than itsa looken. If mesa make one teensy tiney mistake, taxes on Naboo could be raised to 89%, or Senator Padme's electricity bill mebbe be diverted to de Supreme Chancellor and get himsa berry angry, or de Naboo royal fleet could be mortgaged. Mesa spake from personal experience here (unfortunately). All itsa can taken issen one word misspelled, or a comma left out... or mebbe mesa forgetten to read der whole paper before mesa signen itsa. But thassen noah happenen berry often. Honest.

So, itsa easy for mesa to screwen up big time with one itty bitty accidenty. But whenever someting bad happen, everyone always yellen at mesa! "Jar Jar, you broke the coffee machine!" "Jar Jar, you ruined the air conditioning!" "Jar Jar, you destroyed Coruscant's central power station!" Noahone actually realises how hard mesa job is!

Especially not Senator Padme.

Mesa come into hersa office for mesa performance review. Itsa noah going well.
"Jar Jar, you've really caused us a lot of trouble this year. I mean, I could almost forgive you for the time you signed a form to have the palace at Theed demolished, and the time you e-mailed the self-destruct codes for my ship to the Separatists, and the time you fed my senatorial inauguration speech through the shredder..."
One hour later...
"...and even the time you relocated our office to the lower city, but the time you cut my margarita budget by 20% was simply the last straw!" Then shesa huffing and puffing for a few minutes. Senator Padme can talken for a long time on one breath. "Look, Jar Jar, you know I think you're just about the cutest mascot we're ever going to get ahold of for less than a hundred credits a month, but if you don't improve... a lot... very quickly, I'm going to have to fire you."

Well... whatsa mesa gonna do? If mesa readen all der forms Senator Padme given mesa before mesa signen themsa, itsa would taken far too long! There mussen be some way mesa can do everyting right and still have plenty of spare time to watch all of Boss Nass's game shows and eat jarfuls of peanut butter...

Friday, November 18, 2005

Performance Reviews

Issen time for mesa yearly performance review at Senator Padme's office. Mesa pretty sure itsa will going well. Aside from der time when mesa screwed up all of Senator Padme's paperwork for weeks and almost got der royal palace on Naboo demolished, and aside from all der paperwork mesa forgetten to do while mesa wassen on Survivor: Tatooine, and aside from der time mesa exploden der coffee machine and incineraten most of Senatorial Decoy Eritae's apartment at oursa new-year's bash (mesa will tellen yousa dat story sometime)... Aside from all thassen, mesa hassen doin pretty well thissen year.

Mesa sure itsa will worken out. Senator Padme issen berry fair and never vengeful. Except when shesa been drinking too many margaritas. Den shesa getten nasty.

P.S.: Master Yoda issen helpen mesa set up a poll for mesa best 10 posts, but itsa will taken a little while, since mesa computer haten mesa and wanten mesa dead.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

100

Wow. Mesa hassen maken one hundred posts on mesa blog! Thissen a great achievement, mesa tinken, like der time mesa going a whole week without staining one of mesa official robes - although, der next day, mesa ackidentally... dropping one into der furnace. But thassen noah important, really, mesatinks.

Anyway, mesa would doing someting like Master Yoda (hesa hassen just made hissen two-hundredth post today - go and see) and starten a poll for mesa best ten posts. But... eh heh... mesa having noah idea how. So... Mesa gonna sitten here and looky at der number 100.

Mesa bored now. Okeyday, here's how mesa gonna doing itsa. If yousa wanten, e-mailen mesa to tellen mesa what yousa tinken some of mesa best posts are. Mesa can putten themsa in some kind of orderen, and thassen will have to do. Mesa needen to asken Master Yoda how hesa maken polls for hissen blog some time.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Epliogue

The Narrator: In the concussion ward of Mos Eisley General Hospital, Jar Jar, Frick, and Frack have just arrived outside E'etooi's room, hoping to pay the crazy archvillain a visit. As they are about to enter, Jawajuice walks out of the door.
Jar Jar: Hidoe, JJ! How yousa doin'?
Jawajuice: Oh, all things considered, I've been worse.
Frick: Look, Jawajuice, we're sorry we... like... crashed our spaceship on your uncle's head.
Frack: Yeah, really sorry... Psst! Frick was driving!
Frick: I heard that!
Jawajuice: There's nothing to apologise for. Apparently, you did the crazy old coot a favour. The doctors tell me that an injury like that would normally be enough to really screw with someone's mind. Of course, Uncle E'etooi's mind was already pretty surreal. It seems that, for the first time in about twenty years, he's been adding two and two together and *not* getting Thursday.
Frack: Whoohoo! So, not only have we saved the galaxy from an insane master criminal, but we actually restored his sanity!
Frick: Another great victory for the Followers of Ol' Fluke! Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to go and find Fluke. We heard a rumour he was on Dantooine...
The Narrator: They leave, discussing the possible whereabouts of Fluke Starbucker.
Jar Jar: So, hesa gonna be okeyday? Mesa knowen hesa usen mesa for hissen evil schemes... and tryen to kill Qui-Gon a second time... and corrupten mesa grandmother and turnen hersa to der dark side... and tryen to taken over Quermia... noah to mentionen hissen master plan to dominaten der whole galaxy with evil fast-food chains... but hesa still mesa old apprentice, so...
Jawajuice: Yeah. He's going to be just fine. Visiting hours don't end for another twenty minutes, if you want to see him.
Jar Jar: Okeyday. Mesa seein' yousa around, okeyday?
The Narrator: Jawajuice leaves the building, and Jar Jar goes into E'etooi's room.

The Narrator: Six months later...
Jar Jar: Hey! How yousa knowen whatsa gonna happenen in six months?
The Narrator (exasperated): Look, I'm the Narrator, all right? I know these things. Anyway, six months later...

E'etooi is back on Tatooine with his partially sane wife, Krip'ooi, and the rest of his family. He thought about opening a salad bar to atone for his crimes, but was stymied by the utter lack of salad on Tatooine, and eventually decided to work as a psychiatrist for the Tatooine branch of Dr. Happtise's clinic.
Tup Tup Binks fulfilled her childhood dream of becoming an interstellar bounty hunter (the first Gungan ever to make a living in the field). Without regular surgery to replace her blood with that of a ysalamir, her force immunity has faded. However, she is still... well... a fair to decent bounty hunter.
The numerous assorted potato businesses across the galaxy that Jar Jar had mysteriously come into possession of got back on their feet when their executives were all discovered tied up in E'etooi's basement. This is the largest concentration of executives seen in such a small space since before the dawn of the Republic. It is unknown yet whether the psychological damage they caused to each other will be permanent.
Frick continues the hunt for Fluke, searching the tallest trees of Kashyyyk, the darkest valleys of Korriban, and the deepest oceans of Kamino (as well as the local Wal-Mart).
Meanwhile, Frack is also searching for Fluke, adeptly scouting lots of other inaccessible places that Frick hasn't already looked through.
And as for me (remember, the Narrator?) I've recently joined F.O.O.F.! It's just the sort of job for me - following an important person and commentating on everything he does because I'll sure as heck never be as cool as him! Maybe I'll narrate for Jar Jar and Yarael Poof now and then, but right now, I'm off to help Frick and Frack find Fluke!

Friday, November 11, 2005

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Finale

The Narrator: Yarael Poof kicked me out, so I figured I might as well narrate for the final showdown between Jar Jar and E'etooi. So, where was I? Jar Jar approaches the caravan door and climbs the steps in front of it. He then slips and falls back down again. He tries again, with the same result. The third time, he manages to get to the door and knock on it. E'etooi opens the door.
E'etooi: Who's there?
The Narrator: The door hits Jar Jar in the face and knocks him to the ground again.
Jar Jar: Ergh!
The Narrator: He grabs the potato lying next to his unconscious grandmother and lobs it at E'etooi, knocking the deranged Jawa over. He rushes forward to pick it up again.
E'etooi *clambering to his feet*: OW! What was that for?
Jar Jar: Usen mesa to helpen yousa taken over der galaxy!
E'etooi: Oh... right, that. Well, since you've managed to escape my control, let's see if you can escape my wrath! Heeheeheeheehee!
The Narrator: He holds out his left hand to invoke the power of the Dark Side of Cuisine. Jar Jar panics and hold the potato protectivly in front of him. To everyone's great surprise, it helps.
E'etooi: My powers aren't working? What the hey?
Jar Jar: Eh... Wait... Thissen issen an all-natural, uncooked potato, with der healthy skin still attached! Issen a powerful symbol of der Light Side of Cuisine!
E'etooi: Really? Cool. Uh... so... what do I do now?
Jar Jar: Well... yousa could surrenderen?
E'etooi: Never! Yeeaargh!
The Narrator: Jar Jar throws the potato at him again. He stumbles back into his caravan. Suddenly, a small spaceship drops out of the sky.
Jar Jar: Uh-oh...
The Narrator: He backs away, very quickly. The spaceship lands smack on top of E'etooi's caravan and crushes it, sustaining minimal damage itself.
Jar Jar: Okay... Hello? Issen anyone theresa?
The Narrator: A hatch on top of the spaceship opens, and a head pops up over the rim. A head wearing a home-made blast helmet. It is followed by another head. This one's blast helmet is patched up with sellotape.
Frick: Hey, buddy!
Jar Jar: Frick? Frack? Whatsa yousa doin heresa?
Frack: Well, we heard you were in trouble, and all us FooFers swear a solemn oath to help any of Fluke's friends when they need it - and you're... well... sort of Fluke's friend. So here we are: F.O.O.F., in all our glory, ready to assist you!
Frick: Besides, we can't find Fluke right now, so we don't have much else to do.
Frack: So, right! We're here, where's the danger?
Jar Jar *pointing*: Under yoursa ship.
Frack: ... Oh.
Frick: Maybe we should call 911.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 7

Okeyday... Noahone hassen responden to mesa call for help. Typical. Sometimes, mesa tinken everyone really haten mesa and only ever comen near mesa so theysa can watchen mesa trip over mesa shoelac- yargh!
*Jar Jar falls flat on his face*
Ouchie.

Mesa issen in E'etooi's trailor park home. Issen deserted, excepten for a few realtors. Hesa in hissen caravan - mesa can see himsa through one of der holes in der wall. Mesa issen guarden by mesa grandmother. Shesa wassen always so nice to mesa, maken woolly pink cardigans and cookies, so why shea so evil now?

"Mesa can seein what yousa typen, Jar Jar."

"Oh... eh... heh heh..."

"Mesa probably should noah tellen yousa, but hey, whatsa could happenen? Mesa meeten E'etooi a few years ago, while yousa were away with yousa fancy government duties - ungrateful grandkid that yousa are. Hesa promissen mesa power, respect, and a great dental plan. Hesa wassen lying. Five years later, and mesa teeth are fallen out. But der power and respect part... Sure, itsa taken a bit of surgery, but mesa immune to Force attacks now! Mesa bombad at fighting Jedi!"
Hmm... mesa tinken mesa can doin someting about thissen - mesa still hassen one potato in mesa pocket. If mesa can squeezen der juice out of itsa, mesa can maken a magical potion to incapicacassitaten hersa! Mesa jussen needen to keepen hersa busy a little longer...

"Why would yousa wanten to fighten Jedi?"

"Well... when mesa wassen a kid, mesa wassen always wanten to be a bounty hunter, or an Intergalactic Gladiator, or someting like thassen. Theysa berry cool jobs!"

"Ooookeyday... So, whatsa E'etooi wanten with mesa?"

"Hesa jussen wanten someone to control hissen takeover of der galaxy for himsa whil hesa busy with roadkill taxidermy. Anyonesa could doing itsa, but hesa wanten revenge on yousa as well."

"Revenge? Mesa? Why?"

"Issen rule number 42 of der Darksider's Handbook - Any apprentice whosa turnen to der Dark Side mussen seeken revenge on theirsa former master."

"Oh. Mesa should have noah asken. How yousa becomen immune to der Force?"

"Mesa hassen Ysalamiri blood in mesa veins now - theysa block Force powers with der anti-midichlorians in theirsa blood. E'etooi sayen mebbe mesa would getten anaemia or someting, but thassen probably noahting important."

"Okeyday... Well, whatever thassen meanen..." Mesa out of questions! Issen now or never!

*Jar Jar throws the potato at Tuppaware Tuppaware's head, knocking her out.*

Well... Issen easier then maken a potion. Now, mesa mussen confronten E'etooi...

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 6

Whassen mesa doin? Mesa realisen thissen mornen dat mesa been producen der same kinds of food mesa swearen to purge from der galaxy! Deep-fried chips dripping with fat... Der strange guy in der brown robe came to mesa apartment thissen morning. Hesa tellen mesa to expanden into other fast food... chicken nuggets made of reconstituted fat and gristle, soft-serve ice cream made of chicken fat... Mesa snappen out of itsa then. And then, mesa realisen whosa hesa wassen.

Jawajuice's crazy uncle E'etooi. And mesa grandmother, Tuppaware Tuppaware Binks, wassen with himsa! Mesa should have knowen dat hesa wassen behind der troubles on Naboo a few weeks ago! Theysa noah liken dat mesa wassen noah longer going along with theirsa plans. So now, mesa locked up in E'etooi's cargo ship, headen for der trailor park on Tatooine where hesa liven. Mesa may as well passen der time tellen yousa all someting... *Sigh* Mesa used to knowen himsa, before E'etooi turnen evil like thissen...

Before mesa becomen Senator Padme's assistant here, mesa wassen a plumber on Naboo, in Otoh Gunga city. Mesa wassen noah a bombad plumber. Mesa wassen so bad at plumbing, mesa getten exiled for itsa. Yousa knowen how itsa issen. But before mesa wassen a plumber, mesa wassen a chef. Der best chef in Otoh Gunga, probabibly der best chef on Naboo. Mesa cakes wassen renowned throughout der Gungan world, mesa roast dinners wassen famed. Den, assen der custom goes, mesa taken on an apprentice.

E'etooi. Mesa meeten himsa at a cullinary summit on Tatooine. Hissen clan happenen to be hosten itsa. Mesa never meeten hissen immediate family, but mesa met hissen nephew, Jawajuice, later. Mesa taken himsa on as an apprentice chef. Hesa had bombad talent! Hesa could maken an appetizen, non-fattening meal out of roadkill (in fact, thassen wassen hissen specialty - hesa wassen a little insane even then). Jawas were never good chefs, but wesa all tinken hesa would be a Master Chef before long - maybe even get a seat on der Chef Council.

But E'etooi wassen seduced by der Dark Side of Cuisine. Hissen meals became more and more unhealthy as time passen, and eventualally, hesa discovered der secret of maken food with 105% fat content. Itsa could have been a disaster, but wesa were lucky. Der power of der Dark Side of Cuisine wassen too much for himsa, and hesa wassen driven insane. Hesa goen back to Tatooine, to hissen family. Mesa never seein himsa again. Mesa gave up being a chef after that. How could mesa keep going? Mesa apprentice had become der greatest Dark Chef ever! Mesa had hopen hesa would never come back, that hesa would be happy on hissen homeworld, practising taxidermy on der roadkill hesa used to so elegantly cook. Mesa tinken hesa came back because hissen nephew, Jawajuice, became such a greater cook than hesa ever wassen. Now, hesa mussen be stopped.

Wesa hassen arriven at Tatooine. If anyone can hearen mesa, now would be a good time to come and helpen out!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 5

Yousa knowen what? Thissen noah such a bad idea after all! Mesa hassen been sellen deep-fried food for less dan two days, and mesa maken' a killing! Everyting goin' mesa way for some reason - most of der potato businesses of der galaxy be fallen' into mesa lap for noah apparent reasonen, der ones dat noah did hassen goin' bust, and theresa hassen been huge increasen in demand for fatty deep-fried food. Dat strange short guy with der glowing eyes, mesa seen himsa lots more times around der building. And every time hesa looken at mesa with hissen big, round eyes, thissen all seemen' like a better and better plan.

Mesa hassen noah been getten much of mesa paperwork done, but Senator Padme issen away on Naboo so shesa will noah noticen. Mesa far too busy at mesa computer, orchestraten potato companies and fast food stores across der galaxy. Issen almost-

*Jar Jar slumps over his keyboard. A diminuitive figure in a brown robe shuffles from the shadows towards him and begins typing*.

Well. It seems this tool has done his work well. McDooku's has strayed too far along the path of healthy reighteousness. Whatever happened to the old, brutal, - heehee - cholesterol-loving Darth Tyrannus will not happen again. Jar Jar Binks will rule the fast food empires of the galaxy as my puppet, while I can live in comfort here on Coruscant, stuffing - heehooha - roadkill to my heart's content (the trick is to wait until it has festered for at least a week - and my relatives call me insane). Soon, Qui-Gon and my infernal nephew Jawajuice will lose their brownie empire and- oh, bugger. They read this blog, don't they? Hmph. Well, I won't reveal any more of my - teeheehee - *brilliantly* maniacal plan here! I'll just leave my old master to his work... heehee!

*He retreats back into the shadows, and Jar Jar wakes up suddenly, oblivious to all that has happened*

*Phew*... mesa hassen berry bombad headache... mesa needen panadol...

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 4

Mesa sorry mesa hassen noah posten for a while, but mesa hassen bein so busy! All dese potatoes to buy and sell and cook, with so many potato plantations on other planets to run... And mesa hassen mesa regular job doin' Senator Padme's paperworken, and sometimes some of hersa handmaidens pretenden to bein hersa (issen theirsa job, so theysa good at itsa) to tricken mesa into doin theirsa paperworken as well! *Huff* *Puff*

Someting berry suspicious happenen yesterday. Mesa wassen goin' to der convenience store down der street to getten some milk in der evening, and mesa meeten a short guy hidden in der shadows of an alleyway. Mesa would have missen himsa if hesa had noah callen out to mesa. Anyway, hesa suggesten dat mesa potato business could be better dan itsa issen now. Thissen pretty obvious to mesa. Der organizational structure issen in ruins, and half der potatoes issen rottin' in der fields.

But thissen guy suggesten someting else. Hesa tinken mesa potato company could really taken off if mesa sellen deep-fried tings. Fatty foods, like McDooku's usen. Der kind of tings dat given people cholesterol poisonin' and heart disease. Mesa sayen mesa would noah doin' thassen. But den, hesa looken mesa in der eye. Hissen eyes were big, round and glowed yellow. Issen really freaky, but when mesa looken in hissen eyes, hissen ideas seemen like a good plan after all. Mesa wassen berry scared den, so mesa hurryen off to get mesa milk. When mesa comen' back, hesa wassen gone.

Hmm... Hissen voice sounden strangely familiar...