Friday, September 30, 2005

Fixen der air conditioning... Again

Der doctors tellen mesa dat mesa haven a minor concussion, or someting. Mesa berry lucky, hesa sayen. Hmm. Mesa noah feelen lucky - Bojaa sayen dat der air conditioning issen noah fixen. And, mesa *did* cut der red wire. Hesa goin to have a looky. When hesa getten back, hesa sayen,
"You cut de crimson wire, you were supposed to cut de scarlet one, eh? Gungan mumblegrumblemumble..." Mesa noah hearen der last bit, but issen noah sounden friendly.

So, leaven der hospital and back to der apartment. Mesa staren at der air conditioner for ten minutes. Mesa could noah seein berry much, since mesa wassen looken at itsa from outside der room, since mesa could noah standen der heat. But mesa looken at itsa. Eventually, mesa getten Bojaa back.

What? Hesa berry cheap!

Thissen time, hissen plan issen to completely destroyen der air conditioner. With muy muy firepower.

Mesa hassen a bad feelen about thissen... Mesa starten to usen cliches! Ye gods, thissen bad!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Fixen der air conditioning

Today, mesa fancyen some toast for mesa mornen munchen. But der toaster issen in der kitchen, and der kitchen - tanks to der work of FOOF - reminden mesa of Tatooine. Mesa wassen tinken yesterday mesa could copen with thissen. Guess what? Mesa noah can. So, mesa getten a repairman in. A Toydarian hardware dealer Yarael Poof recommenden to mesa - hissen name wassen Bojaa.

Of course, Yarael Poof issen haten mesa and only wanten mesa to sufferen.

Bojaa hovered into der kitchen, wipen der sweat off hissen forehead and hoveren back out.
"Toydaria is a swampy place, Toydarians don't like no heat, eh? I can't go in there, eh? You gotta go in there and follow my instructions to fix de air-conditioner."
"Mesa hassen hiren yousa because mesa comen from a swampy place as well! Mesa can noah fixen thissen!"
"Well, I know how to fix it, you don't, yah? It seems to me dat you have to do what I say, yah?"
"No. Absololutely not."

Five minutes later, mesa wassen in der kitchen, drinken cold water as fast as mesa could swallowen itsa and followen Bojaa's instructions.
"Cut de red wire first!"
BANG!!!
"De *red* wire!"
Thassen all mesa rememberen... mesa waken up in hospital four hours later.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Mesa Apartment

So good bein home...
Aargh!

Mesa rememberen whatsa happenen before mesa leaven for Survivor: Tatooine - mesa bath broke, and mesa tryen to fixen it, and screwen up der plumbing. And most of der apartment. So, mesa contracten some renovators to fixen der place up while mesa gone. Of course, mesa noah bargainen on...
Der return of FOOF! Der "Followers Of Ol' Fluke"! Jawajuice had hissen apartment redecoraten by themsa a few weeks ago, but thassen wassen der recruiten division of FOOF. Mesa wassen luck enough to actually getten theirsa redecoraten division - theirsa names were Bric and Brack.

But thassen noah much help, since (oddly) der redecoraten division issen even worse at redecoraten dan der recruiten division.

Mesa bath issen gone. Der whole point wassen for themsa to fixen der bath, but theysa tinken issen easier to removen itsa. Dere issen noahting where der bath used to be, just a bath-shaped hole in der floor. So now mesa hassen a bird's-eye-view of mesa downstairs neighbour, old Mrs Strudleheimen's, washing-machine through der floor. Which issen jussen great, but noah berry helpful for taken a bath.

Meanwhile, mesa also specifyen for themsa to fixen der water damage to der rest of der apartment. Theirsa solution wassen to adjust mesa air-conditioning and dehumidifiers to levels thassen barely inhabitable by human standards, and Gungans issen muy less tolerant of heat and dryness. Sure, mesa kitchen issen noah longer in danger of rotting. But mesa can noah longer step into der kitchen without a sports hydration bottle. To maken itsa worse, theysa broke der controls, so mesa can noah fixen itsa.

And, der coup de grace, mesa bedroom floor hassen been coveren with compost and tilled for growen potatoes. Mesa hassen mixed feelings about thissen. As Bric tellen mesa, potatoes issen a wonderful vegetable for growen in der home, and providen an average Gungan with so-and-so percent of daily someting-or-other needs. And, as Brack sayen, der coolness and dampness of der soil will counteracten some of theirsa havoc in der indoor climate control system. However, mesa bed hassen been replacen with a toolshed.

Thissen bad.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Family Troubles: Finale

Never again...
After wesa piloten der starfighters (er... about der starfighter - send der bill to Senator Padme) through der Federation du Trade ships to der Mackaneeck Control Ship, issen all starten to get pretty easy. But der flying part wassen bad enough.

Wesa got to der bridge of der ship easily, since der droids were all on theirsa much-valued lunch break. Hey - theysa got to refuel. Den, when mesa, Jug Jug, Can Can and Bottle Bottle enteren der bridge, wesa finden...

Noahone. Jussen a note from Tup Tup.

"To mesa ungreatful grandkids,
Yousa winnen thissen battle, but der war issen far from over. Nute Gunray tinken hesa wassen der boss of thissen plan; hesa issen stupid. Mesa true master issen hidden in der shadows, leaven no trace behind of hissen activities but a piece of badly stuffed roadkill. Yousa will noah escapen oursa wrath...
So long,
Tupaware Tupaware Binks."

How wude.

Well, besides Nute and Tup Tup escapen, issen all worken out pretty well. Bottle Bottle issen alive after all - so mesa noah needen to sorten out hissen will. Can Can and Jug Jug issen noah longer suspicious of each other. And now, mesa needen to getten back to mesa apartment. Mesa hassen noah been dere since Survivor: Tatooine starten! Mesa haten to tink what a mess der renovators leaven itsa in...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 10

How mesa getten into thissen...?
Mesa issen noah a pilot. Der last time mesa tryen to pilot anyting... well, yousa noah wanten to knowen.
But now, mesa issen in a Naboo starfighter. Headen to a Trade Federation conrol ship. Noo, noo, noo... Der good news: mesa hassen three other starfighters with mesa. Der bad news: der pilots issen Can Can, Bottle Bottle and Jug Jug. Theysa noah as clumsy as mesa... but der Binks family hassen a bad reputation.

About an hour ago, a big Republic ship arriven from hyperspace. Der Federation du Trade panicking, and mesa and Bottle Bottle escapen from oursa cell with hissen heavy-duty bolt-cutters (yousa never knowen when yousa needen themsa). Wesa sneaken out - mesa getten good at thissen, mesa only tripping five alarms on der way out. When wesa came up into Theed, Can Can and Jug Jug wassen waiten. To tell der truth, theysa noah seemen too happy to see Bottle Bottle alive. But theysa getten over itsa. Theysa leaden ussen to a hangar to "borrowen" some starfighters. Why mesa here? Why wesa even doin' thissen at all? Der Republic can handlen thissen! See, theysa hassen plenty of theirsa own starfighters. Theresa one right in front of mes- argh! Turn! Turn!
Phew...

So, wesa comen' up on der control ship now - to have revenge on der Federation du Trade for messen up oursa lives. Issen noah dat bad, issen itsa? Theresa noah need to taken itsa as a personal insult, issen dere? Hmm. Are those droid fighters? Theysa looken like droid fighters. Which one of thesen buttons is der gun? Ani tellen mesa about thissen all der time - der first time hesa fighten in a space battle. It's easy, hesa sayen. Just go with the flow, hesa sayen, and itsa will all comen to yousa. Den hesa callen mesa a dog. Hmm. Well, thissen looky like a gun...

Oops... mesa sorry, Can Can. Well, mesa sure shesa will doin' fine with one wing.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 9

Mesa hassen been throwen in a cell. Issen damp, and cold: jussen der way mesa liken itsa!
Someone else issen here, too: Bottle Bottle! Hesa noah dead after all! Tup Tup mussen have faken itsa! Mesa knew wesa should never have payen for hersa acting classes... or der cover-up classes... or der unarmed killing classes... Hmm... der Binks family issen notorious for bad budgeting. Mesa hassen never understanden thissen up till now.

Anyway, grandpa Bottle Bottle hassen a plan. Hesa sayen dat dere issen a droid control ship hidden on der other side of Naboo's moon. Hesa plannen to taken over der ship! Wesa gonna needen to bust out of oursa cell, finden a shuttle and goin' up dere, at der risk of danger and death all der way! Mesa noah sure if mesa liken thissen plan, but wesa needen someting to do about thissen. Nute Gunray's plan issen pretty stupid, but if hesa getten impatient, hesa might bl0ckade Naboo again. Of course, mesa can do noahting about thassen. All mesa hassen with mesa is thissen internet-capable laptop computer with a contact range as far as der outer rim, der rank and authority to orderen a Republic cruiser into action, a bagful of boomas and a sling, Grandpa Bottle Bottle's pair of bolt cutters...

Wait a second.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 8

*After two days of concussion, Jar Jar awakes...*
Ooh, mesa head... Whatsa wassen happenen? Where issen mesa?
Mesa rememberen... Grandma Tup Tup taken mesa to Theed, to an underground complex somewhere. Mesa wassen blindfolded, so mesa noah knowen where in der city, but itsa issen definately Theed (itsa issen smellen human-ish).
Down there, mesa wassen lead into a dark hall, and mesa blindfold wassen taken off. There, Tup Tup introducen mesa to hersa master... Nute Gunray!
Mesa wassen... stunned. Why would Tup Tup ally with himsa, and whatsa wassen hesa wanten with Bottle Bottle's will?
Then, hesa revealen hissen sinister plan...
Issen noah a berry good one, mesa tinks.
"With the failure of our blockade on the planet of Naboo, the Trade Federation has become exceedingly angry at all the people of Naboo... including the Gungans. While we can strike at the Naboo themselves by attacking Senator Amidala, one of their most popular leaders ever-"
"Yousa hassen tryen and failen muy muy times. Yaaaawn."
"Shut up. I have decided that our revenge on the Gungans will be much more insidious... I will spread disharmony among them, with help from my servant, Tupaware Tupaware, and obliterate Gungan society as it stands. Muwhahahahaha!"
"Er... yousa issen only spreaden disharmony in mesa family."
"SILENCE, fool." Then, hesa adden defensively, "It is a long term plan."

Mesa supposen mesa should noah be worryen about thissen. But, mesa still confused. Tup Tup wasssen opposen der Trade Federation berry much when theysa attacken Naboo years ago. Why would shesa switchen sides?

Friday, September 16, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 7

Today, mesa wassen riden across der grassy plains on a kaadu, with lots of grass unt big stone heads lyen' around. Mesa wassen headen to Theed, to getten a second opinion on der Bottle Bottle case...
Suddenly, out in der open, mesa wassen attacken by Mackineecks! There wassen three of themsa, and only one of mesa, and mesa haven noah boomas!
Mesa putten up mesa hands... And Tup Tup Binks walken out from behind a big stone head, with a remote in hersa hand. Mesa grandmother Tup Tup wassen tryen to killen mesa with der Mackineecks!
"Yousa tinken yousa gonna finden out whatsa happenen to Bottle Bottle," shesa sayen. "Well, yousa noah going to!"
"Wait! Wait!" mesa sayen - mesa noah wanten to dyen! "Er... if yousa letten mesa liven, mesa will... uh... joinen yousa!" Thissen always worken with bad guys for some reason.
"Hmm... Mesa supposen mesa can letten yousa live... for now. Yousa issen mesa grandson after all... But if yousa bein tricksy..." Shesa drawen hersa finger across hersa neck. Mesa getten der message.

Thissen explainen a lot. Der fluffy pink cardigan mesa wassen nearly suffocaten with issen a berry grandmotherish weapon of assasination, and issen just like Tup Tup to use bad plastic to maken a bomb.

So, mesa wassen blindfolden and taken somewhere, but mesa noah knowen where. Issen dark. Muy dark. But Tup Tup sayen shesa gonna introducen mesa to hersa master soon... Mesa gotten a bad feeling about thissen.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 6

*Jar Jar slaps his forehead*
Duh!
Looky, looky!

To Jug Jug Binks, I leave my harmonica, which I know he loves to play and listen to.
To Jar Jar Binks, I leave my engagement ring, since I had once promised he could have it.
To Can Can Binks, I leave my lemon-tree orchard.
To Tup Tup Binks, I leave a pound of my finest whiskey.
!!!

Thissen berry disturbing... itsa suggesten dat Bottle Bottle issen still alive and needen help! But who would try to faken hissen death? And why leaven himsa alive? Mesa muy muy worried about thissen. Mesa hassen deciden to showen thissen to noahone, or der criminal among ussen may hunten mesa down...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 5

Can Can wassen now mesa primary suspect, since shesa wassen "conveniently" saven from der investigation by der bomb in mesa bongo. Now, mesa can noah be botheren to go to Otoh Jahai today, so mesa taken a trip to mesa grandmother, Tupaware Tupaware Binks's house.

Mesa ideas issen always goin badly for some reason.

Mesa climben out of mesa bongo and swimmen across der front yard to der main bubble of hersa house. Jussen when mesa wassen about to knocken on der door... boom! Issen exploden! Mesa getten tired of explosions now. Tup Tup issen okay, shesa wassen down at der fish market. In der wreckage, mesa finden another version of der will, definately in Bottle Bottle's handwriting.

To Jug Jug Binks, I leave my harmonica, which I know he loves to play and listen to.
To Jar Jar Binks, I leave my engagement ring, since I had once promised he could have it.
To Can Can Binks, I leave my lemon-tree orchard.
To Tup Tup Binks, I leave a pound of my finest whiskey.
!!!

Mesa tinken thissen an odd will. Mesa noah knowen what der exclamation marks at der end are for, whiskey issen noah measured in pounds, and mesa wassen promised Bottle Bottle's wedding ring, noah hissen engagement ring. Whatsa yousa tinken?

Monday, September 12, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 4

Der ting issen, people noah liken mesa berry much. Mesa noah knowen why. But mesa would appreciaten itsa if theysa STOP TRYEN TO KILLEN MESA!!!
Today, mesa goin over to investigaten Can Can Binks's house on der outskirts of Otoh Jahai. Now, mesa issen noah a mechanic, but mesa tinken someting issen suspicious if mesa bongo BREAKS DOWN IN DER MIDDLE OF A NEST OF COLO CLAW FISH!!! Thissen bongo issen a berry good bongo. Issen serven mesa well for ages. But today, right now, issen suspicious dat itsa breaken down at thissen exact moment. Mesa also tinken issen suspicious dat der AA crew finden evidence of sabotage - a bomb.
Anyway, yousa probably wanten to hearen about mesa miraculous escape, no?

Coruscant Blogger's Association Official Notice
A survey of our readers has confirmed that most of them would prefer to think that Jar Jar did not escape at all, and live on in blissful ignorance of his continued existance.

Shut up.
Mesa managen to getten away by pushing random buttons on der control console, screamen, and ringen up der Gungan Grande Army to comen and saven mesa. Admittedly, issen noah berry heroic... But thassen noah matteren!

Anyway, mesa never actually getten to Can Can's house today... Closer investigation revealen dat der bomb wassen made of poor-quality plastic. Hmm... Could thissen be a clue?

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 3

Mesa stoppen by cousin Jug Jug's house today. Mesa wassen haven to looken for copies of der will dere, and interestenly, mesa finden a fragment of der will sayen dat Grandpa Bottle Bottle wassen leaven everyting to Jug Jug! Can Can accusen himsa of planten itsa so hesa would getten everyting, and Jug Jug accusen *hersa* of planten itsa so dat itsa would looken like hesa killen Bottle Bottle. Issen so berry confusen... Itsa issen noah helpen dat Bottle Bottle wassen a hermit for der last ten years of hissen life, so hesa hassen noah home to searchen.

Also, mesa hassen been here less dan a week, and someone hassen already tryen to killen mesa! As mesa wassen swimmen out of Jug Jug's house, mesa wassen hit in der face by a huge pink woollen jersey! Issen noah funny! Mesa seein yousa laughing out dere! Mesa wassen almost suffocated, but mesa managen to getten itsa off. Thissen issen disturben...

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 2

Itsa seemen dat mesa noah gotten der whole story in mesa e-mail. Yousa seein, mesa cousin Jug Jug Binks tinken dat Bottle Bottle dyen of a heart attack. But mesa cousin Can Can Binks issen disagreein. Shesa tinken dat Jug Jug murderen himsa! And mesa grandmother Tup Tup (Tupaware Tupaware - yousa can seein why wesa shortenen hersa name) just wants to getten on with life and worken out der will.
As well as dividen up Bottle Bottle's will, theysa wanten mesa to investigaten hissen death. Ow.

Der will as issen standen:

To *garbled mess of illegible handwriting* I leave my collection of sea monster eggs.
To Jug Jug Binks, I leave my silver teapot.
To Can Can Binks, I leave *also illegible*
To Tup Tup Binks, I leave my second-best raincoat (the blue one with the pom-poms)
To Jar Jar Binks, I leave... uh... this bit of pocket lint.

Mesa tinken mesa issen cut out a bit. But, mesa hassen been asken to find another copy of der will. Everyone sayen dat thissen mussen just be a first draft, since so much issen missing.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Family Troubles: Part 1

Mesa back home again! Issen been months since mesa wassen here last time, and mesa noah goin to seein any of mesa family thassen time. Thissen issen whatsa thissen visit issen about.Yousa seein, mesa great-grandfather, Bottle Bottle Binks, hassen dyin. Mesa hassen been callen back to Naboo because hissen last will unt testament issen incomplete, and *mesa* hassen got power of attourney! Even worse, hesa wassen berry rich (well... rich for a gungan). Mesa relatives issen all squabbling over hissen wealth. Mesa issen goin tomorrow morning to finden out der situation.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Leaven Tatooine!

Well, mesa hassen finally been voten off der planet. Itsa wassen gonna happenen eventually. Now, mesa waiten at der Mos Eisly Interstellar Spaceport for der ship back to Coruscant. Bo-ring.

DING! You've got mail.

Hmm, wassen issen thissen?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Hmmm.
Uh-hu-hu-hu-wha?
Oh dear.

Changen of plans. Mesa noah goin to Coruscant. Mesa rebooken mesa flight and goin to Naboo. Der tickets issen cheaper to Naboo anyway.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Reminden mesa to noah setten up booby traps.

Der repo toydarians came today. Itsa could have been worse, actually. Theysa came by, hovering with theirsa wings... Of course, theysa haven wings, so mesa spike pits were noah use. But den, just as theysa were about to enter der cave, Count Dooku wandered out.

Der traps mesa had setten on der mouth of der cave fired off, and hit himsa with loads of boomas. Hesa swearen, den stumblen out of der cave and into mesa spike pits. Mesa tinken itsa hurten quite a lot. Den, itsa getten worse. Der same ting with der boomas and spike pits happenen to Fluke and Captain Typho. Mesa stayen out of theirsa way for a while.

But, itsa issen noah all bad. Der toydarians had a video camera, and theysa filmen der whole ting happenen. Theysa sayen itsa wassen berry funny, and dat theysa would accepten itsa as payment instead of der stuff mesa stole.
And den, mesa turnen around to walken back inside. *Sigh* Mesa really should remember where mesa putten der spiked pits... ow...

A Cunning Plan

Mesa hassen figuren out how to dealen with der repo toydarians. Mesa can builden a series of traps for themsa. Mesa plan issen to booby trap der entrance of der cave with mesa boomas. Of course, thissen may noah be enough. Toydarians issen immune to mind-tricks, so theysa may be shock-proof as well. Issen noah likely. But stranger tings hassen happenen.
So, mesa hassen backup. Mesa gonna builden pits full of spikes outside der cave. Deep ones, dat theysa noah can climben out of. And to toppen der whole ting off, mesa will letten themsa samplen some of mesa potions. Even mesa noah knowen what some of themsa doin!

Mesa will letten yousa knowen how thissen goin.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Der Repo Department Striken Back!

A couple of weeks ago, wesa wassen stayen at Watto's hotel as a reward for a challenge on Survivor: Tatooine. Issen wassen muy muy luxurious. Anyway, mesa wassen adheren here to der ancient Nubian/Gungan custom of freeloaden. Der principle issen dat yousa can taken anyting complementary out of a hotel and keepen itsa as yousa own. Der *art* issen in yousa creative definitions of "complementary" - mesa personal favorite issen "anyting in a hotel thassen noah nailed down".
Of course, Watto issen berry cheap.

Today, two berry big toydarians came by oursa cave. Theysa sayen theysa wassen from Watto, and dat theysa were goin' to taken back all der stuff mesa taken from der hotel. Ulp. Mesa sayen mesa noah knowen what theysa were talken about. Den, theysa showen mesa a security camera photo of mesa, carryen all der stuff mesa nicken from der hotel. Theysa sayen dat theysa had a list of all der stuff, but theysa could noah bringen itsa because issen too long to carryen. Thissen *usually* bad.

Mesa hassen two days to returnen itsa all. But mesa can noah rememberen everyting! And mesa mussen have taken seven thousand packets of neutrogena to helpen mesa last in der desert sun - mesa hassen almost none left!