Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Still Here

Mesa really wassen tinken mesa would have been voten off Survivor: Tatooine before now, since lots of people tinken mesa annoyen. But mesa issen still here. And, while mesa managen to stealen loads of moisturiser from Watto's hotel a week ago, mesa runnen out again now. See, wesa were each allowed to taken a luxury item with ussen. Mesa choosen a gallon of moisturiser. Mesa realisen now dat mesa issen needen much much more. Mesa hassen tryen t0 maken magical moisturiser, but der ingredients issen berry hard to get, particularly on Tatooine. Der only choice leaven to mesa issen to hide in oursa cave all day. Der good news issen, wesa won a home entertainment system in one of der challenges. But theresa issen only so many times mesa can losen on der first level of all thesen video games before theysa getten boring.

Mesa hassen turnen now to art. Either that, or issen madness. Mesa issen drawing cave paintings. Mesa showen some of mesa paintings to other people. Mesa showen mesa picture of a kaadu to Count Dooky.
"I say, old chap, is that a geriatric woman with back pain?"
"No, issen a kaadu."
'Oh... never mind."
Thissen issen discouragen mesa... but mesa will perseveren. There issen noahting else to doin.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Thissen Issen Why

Many people issen always asken mesa why der gungans talken like thissen. A lot of people issen tinken wesa issen annoyen - mesa noah tinken thissen fair. Thissen how wesa getten oursa accents.

  • Der reason wesa adden "-sa" to der end of each pronoun issen simply because wesa respectful. Yousa seein, "sa" issen a shortened form of der word "san", which issen used on der planet Japan, unt meanen "mr." or "ms." - excepten theysa adden itsa to names, unt wesa usen itsa for pronouns.
  • Wesa sayen "thissen", "issen", unt "thassen" because wesa issen berry superstitious. Yousa seein, snakes eaten frogs, and wesa issen like frog-people. So, wesa issen berry worried dat der snakes will come and eaten ussen all up. Wesa mussen maken hissen sounds in order to convincen der snakes dat wesa issen also snakes. Noah laughen! Itsa might happenen!
  • For almost all negatives, wesa usen der word "noah" instead of words like "no" or "not". Thissen because when wesa trippen over or someting - which issen happenen often, though mesa issen berry clumsy even for a gungan - wesa shouten "aargh!", particularly if wesa trippen over a cliff and plumetten into der depths. Since many people often sayen "no" when a bad ting happenen, wesa combinen der two words - "noah" and usen itsa all der time.

Mesa hopen thissen hassen clearen up some misconceptions about gungan accents.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Hurry hurry hurry...

Mesa quickly hassen to finden a way to reversen der spell dat turnen mesa into a kaadu! Der next challenge starten in five minutes!!! Letten mesa seein... some of thissen, some of thassen, ooh, thissen smells good, putten itsa in for flavour...
Thissen issen der traditional way of createn new potions - mixen in random combinations of ingredients. If mesa hadden der time to contacten der spirits of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, mesa would asken themsa to helpen choosen der ingredients, but MESA HASSEN FOUR MINUTES to restore mesa gungan shape!

Fillet of a ysalamir,
In the cauldron boil and fear;
Eye of hutt, and toe of bursa,
Wool of wookiee, and tongue of bantha,
Acklay's claw, and sarlacc's sting,
Dewback's leg, and mynock's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble,
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble...

*Jar Jar looks down at himself*

YES! WHOOHOO!
Mesa goin now!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Jar Jar Binks vs Yarael Poof: Part 4 - The Conclusion!

Continued from Yarael Poof's blog...

Jar Jar has just shattered the potion bottle slipped to him by Chancellor Palpatine, causing the solution inside to run its dire course... But nothing happens.
Palpatine: No! You were supposed to *drink* it!
Jawajuice: Hmm...
Runs over to sniff it.
Jawajuice: This is no potion! This is Nar Shadda whisky! If I know my liquor, then drinking this would've caused Jar Jar to belch flame for weeks!
Palpatine: Thus incinerating Poof - killing a Jedi Master and implicating one of those backstabbing Mabbit tribe of his murder in one fell swoop, I might add...
Everyone looks at him.
Palpatine: Did I say that out loud?
Exit Palpatine.
Yarael: Can we get on wit' de duel, or do jah got to be yakkin' for a while longer?
Jawajuice: Well... I'm afraid not. In the event of ouside intervention, such as Palps giving Jar Jar that "potion", we have to call it a draw.
Yarael: What!?
Exit Yarael, fuming.
Jar Jar: Er... whatsa - bawk buckarck - about mesa?
Jawajuice: There must be a spell in your Gungan tradition to reverse this one!
Jar Jar: Mesa haven to doin researchen... bawk!
Exit Jar Jar, still a kaadu.
Jawajuice: Hey! Wait! Jar Jar, you've just turned ninety square feet of desert into marshmallows! What am I going to do about this? Oh, forget it, I'll just sell the marshmallows to my family...
Exit Jawajuice.

The end.
Palpatine: Oh no... this is just the beginning...

Monday, August 22, 2005

Jar Jar Binks vs Yarael Poof: Part 2

Continued from Yarael Poof's blog...

Jawajuice: This looks bad for Jar Jar - Yarael's voodoo has him helpless!

Jar Jar struggles to his feet and takes a potion bottle from his bag.

Jar Jar: Try thissen on for sizen!

He hurls the bottle, which explodes at Yarael's feet, releasing a delicate lavender scent into the air.

Yarael: Argh! How did jah know I'm allergic to lavender, mon?

Yarael begins sneezing violently, which, since his noses are in his hands, causes him to drop the voodoo doll (and get it covered in snot). Jar Jar takes advantage of Yarael's fit to prepare a spell, and begins throwing herbs around at random.

Jar Jar: Ancient spirits of der gungans... transformen thissen sand into...

Jawajuice: What the - marshmallows?

Jar Jar: Oops...

He struggles to maintain his balance in the sea of marshmallows and falls over. One of his potion bottles bursts and explodes, creating a cloud of pink smoke. When the smoke clears...

Jar Jar: Bawk! Bawk! Buck-karck!

Jawajuice: And... he's turned himself into a kaadu. Typical. Ladies, gentlemen, and miscellaneous arthropods, Jar Jar Binks has turned himself into a Kaadu.

Continued tomorrow on Yarael Poof's blog...

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Preparen for der duel

Mesa hassen gotten mesaself into a fight! Yarael Poof der Voodoo Jedi issen claimen dat hissen voodoo issen der best kind of magic in der galaxy. Mesa will noah standen for thissen! Mesa mussen standen up for der ancient Gungan shamanistic traditions!
So, mesa goin to der Mos Eisly market to getten ingredients for mesa nasty potions. But while mesa dere, someting strange happenen...

Jar Jar walks down an alley, carrying a bagful of herbs and potion ingredients. As he passes by a shadowed doorway, a figure cloaked in black steps out.
Mysterious Man: You there, I would have a word with you.
Jar Jar (looks round, confused): Mesa?
Mysterious Man: - What does the moron mean, is there anyone else around? - Yes, you, sir. You are fighting a duel against the voodoo master Yarael Poof, are you not?
Jar Jar: Yah! Mesa gonna muy muy pasten himsa! Issen noah a fight to der death, but hesa will wishen itsa issen!
Mysterious Man: Well, take this. (hands Jar Jar a corked bottle filled with a purple liquid) This should ensure your victory if you drink it at the right moment.
Jar Jar: Er... tanken yousa! (puts the bottle in his bag) Bye bye now!
Mysterious Man: Yes, farewell. (exit Jar Jar, the cloaked man laughs and lowers his hood)
Palpatine: All too easy.

Friday, August 19, 2005

To Keep A Gungan Cool

Since mesa hassen haven no requests for mesa shaman lore thissen week, mesa hassen spenden der time on tryen to finden a way to keepen mesaself cool on Tatooine. Sadly, there issen noah real solution without importen ingredients.

Der best way mesa can tinken of goin like thissen.

1. Taken 1/2 a cup of Tauntaun blood, noah more, noah less.
2. Mixen thissen thouroughly with 1 cup of neutrogena.
3. Crush a wampa horn into fine powder, then mixen thissen into der concoction.
4. Adden 3 cups of water.
5. Drinken itsa. Yes, issen disgusten. But itsa issen medicinal. DRINKEN ITSA! 1/2 a cup per day will do.
6. Each day, yousa mussen cover yousaself completely in Naboo swampy mud (after yousa drinken yousa mixture).

Thissen ancient remedy will keepen yousa cool. For mesa, there issen little hope. Unless mesa can finden der ingredients in der casino wesa stayen at as a reward on Survivor...

Thursday, August 18, 2005

A Warning

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Whatsa Mesa Doin Now?

Mesa hassen been all around Mos Eisly, and mesa hassen found no-onesa whosa will swappen whatsa issen left of mesa moisturisen cream for a nice hood or someting. Issen noah goin to be long before mesa skin issen cracken in thissen *heat*! Mesa issen goin to needen to researchen a Gungan mystic solution to thissen, there mussen be a potion for thissen, somewhere.

Mesa gonna be late for de challenge! Mesa gotta runnen!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Aak...

Mesa moisturisen cream issen almost gone. Mesa brought a gallon with mesa, but issen noah enough! Der sun issen murder on mesa skin: mesa would noah have surviven thissen long without der moisturiser. Anyway, mesa wassen haven only a few days worth left, so thissen mornen mesa taken itsa along to Mos Eisly to see what mesa can swappen itsa for. Mesa wanten a hood or someting: someting to protecten mesa from der sun on a longo-term basis.

At der markets, mesa finden dat itsa wassen worth enough cloth to maken a Jawa-sizen robe. Wesa Gungans issen berry tall, unt der Jawas (no offensen to Jawajuice) issen peeny-weeny. Issen noah going to helpen. Thissen issen in der general cloth markets. All der shops issen offeren roughly der same deal. Not goin to worken.

Mesa wassen also accosted in der street by a Jawa who wassen wanten mesa to buy a Bantha. Hesa sayen dat whatsa wassen left in der tub of moisturiser wassen enough to cover it. Mesa wassen suspicious of thissen Bantha. Itsa reminden mesa of Bob, der Bantha dat Yoda wassen tryen to present for der scavenger hunt last week (http://survivortatooine.blogspot.com/2005/08/yoda-bob-bantha.html) so mesa noh buyen thissen.

Mesa last stop wassen to a Twi'lek "Massage Parlor". Apparently, thesen Twi'leks issen berry conscious about theirsa skin. Moisturisen cream issen worth itsa weight in gold to themsa. Unfortunately, theysa hassen berry few clothes to offeren in trade. So, thissen wassen a dead end as well.

Tatooineian natives (JJ, Ani, Owen Lars, anyonesa) please helpen mesa finden someone who will buyen thissen off mesa for a nice sunhat or someting!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Once upon der time...

Gatheren round. Mesa gonna tellen yousa a story.

Thissen wassen happenen when mesa wassen on Coruscant for der first time, when Naboo wassen bein attacken by der Federation du Trade. But, mesa wassen noah bein needed much. So mesa wassen goin to getten some mornen munchen. Mesa goin to a cafe near der senate house for food. Theysa were noah haven shellfish... but theysa did haven coffee and chocolate biscuits... mmm...
Anyway, mesa buyen a cappuchino unt a packet of biscuits unt a newspaper and sitten down at a table. Der cafe wassen crowden, and der only seat mesa could finden wassen at a small table with a person already sitten there. Hesa wassen Cerean; hesa wassen haven a big tall head. So mesa sitten down and putten mesa stuff on der table, and drinken some of mesa coffee. Then, hesa openen der packet of biscuits, taken one out and eaten itsa! Mesa wassen outraged, but whatsa could mesa sayen? Mesa took a biscuit and eaten itsa mesaself. Then hesa taken another one! Mesa could noah really sayen anyting now, after noah haven sayen anyting der first time. Wesa goin through der entire packet like thissen. Mesa taken one, hesa taken one, mesa taken one, hesa taken one.

Den, when der packet of biscuits wassen finished, hesa looken mesa in der eye and waven hissen hand and sayen, "Hey, mon, jah don't remember a ting. Don't worry, be happy. I didn't just steal jah biscuits, mon." Then, hesa leaven. If thissen wassen himsa usen der force, mesa issen noah berry impressed.

Wait, no. Thissen issen noah whatsa happenen. *Now* mesa rememberen. Hesa getten up and leaven when der packet wassen finished. Den, mesa getten up as well and picken up mesa newspaper. Underneath wassen *mesa* packet of biscuits. At least, mesa tinken thissen whatsa happenen. Mesa memory issen fuzzy.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Theysa liken mesa, theysa liken mesa not.

General Grievous hassen asken mesa how to tellen if der spirits issen liken yousa. Mesa noah sure why, but hesa hassen hissen reasons, mesa sure. Der easiest way issen to observe yousa luck over a long period of time. Iffen yousa issen generally a lucky person, der spirits liken yousa. Simple.

But, if thissen seemen a bit murky, there issen other methods yousa can tryen.

  • Another indicator issen dat often, bein liken by der spirits tends to coinciden with force-bombadness. Issen noah always happennen, but itsa issen common.
  • Placen an apple on yousa head, and getten a friend to shooten itsa off with a Wookiee bowcaster. Examinen der remains of der apple. Iffen itsa issen neatly in two pieces, der spirits liken yousa. Iffen itsa hassen been broken into more, den theysa noah liken yousa so much. If yousa friend misses and killen yousa, either der spirits haten yousa, or yousa friend does.
  • Mesa personal favorite issen to plucken der petals of a daisy one by one, cooken themsa all in a stew with carrots, peas, mushrooms and der petals of a four-leafed clover, den eaten itsa. If itsa issen tasten good, der spirits smilen upon yousa.
  • Of course, if der next time yousa issen unconscious, yousa happenen to meeten themsa in a vision, yousa may simply asken themsa yousaself.

Or yousa could tryen all of thessen methods. Theirsa accuracy hassen been proven.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Mesa Fiftieth Post!!!

Recently, Yoda wassen haven hissen 100th post on hissen blog. A muy muy grande achievement thissen issen. Mesa woulden liken to sayen thassen, just to recognisen itsa.

Today, mesa can sayen dat mesa issen halfway - 50 posts. Issen hassen noah been easy, but mesa hassen d0ne itsa. Mesa would liken to thanken all der people who hassen contributen to der 2066 hits mesa blog hassen had. Thanken yousa all.

Issen also mesa birthday today. Mesa can noah spenden itsa on Naboo, since mesa issen here on Tatooine. But mesa can spenden itsa with mesa friends in der Mabitt Tribe of Survivor: Tatooine - Qui-Gon, Aayla, Fluke, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, and Leia. Today issen oursa third challenge victory runnen. Itsa hassen been muy great knowen yousa all.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Voten Issen Completen

Bye, Obi. Hmm. Yousa knowen, if mesa had noah voten for himsa, hesa would noah have been voten off. Itsa mussen be der way der spirits wanten itsa. But maybe der spirits issen wrong...? No - thissen noah can be. Itsa mussen be der plan. Mesa mussen trusten in der spirits... Mesa mussen bein strong.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Der Voten Offen

Eeny meeny miney mo, sorry, but you've got to go, eeny meeny miney mo...

Mesa berry sorry, Obi. But itsa issen out of mesa hands.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Jar Jar's Cauldron...

Excepten, issen noah really a cauldron, since wesa issen on Tatooine. Mesa usen a conveniently shaped rock, but issen still good. Issen Friday, so mesa will be teaching yousa about Gungan mystical traditions. Thissen week, Captain Typho hassen asken mesa to demonstraten how to maken love potions. Here wesa goin...


  • There issen many different recipies for love potions, since Gungans hassen been maken themsa for millennia. Mesa will shown yousa how to maken something with ingredients yousa can finden on Tatooine.
  • Yousa needen yousa cauldron (or rock), someting to heaten yousa potion, some water (where mesa gonna getten thatsa?), h'kak beans (theysa issen bright orange - hard to missen), some sprigs of markan herb (thissen maken yousa go "whee!"), mumergy sprigs (yousa mussen be careful - Jabba der Hutt coveten thissen plant 'cause itsa issen maken berry good booze), unt three or four pallies (yousa can buyen themsa at der Tatooine markets).
  • Add der beans to der cauldron unt heat itsa till almost boiled. Thissen will diffuse der flavours through der water.
  • Shred der herbs unt drop themsa into der cauldron.
  • Squeezen der juice of der pallies into der mixture. Yousa mixture issen now complete.
  • Now, yousa needen to adden der magic. Writen on a piece of paper der name of yousa potion's intended target. Rip itsa in two pieces. Eaten half of itsa, unt dump der other half in der cauldron.
  • Leave itsa to simmer for three hours. Den, feeden itsa to yousa target.

Thissen *should* worken.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Hangover

Ooo...err... mesa head.... Yousa tinken dat normal hangovers issen bad, yousa tryen Tusky Raider beer.... theysa issen noah bad people, once yousa getten to know themsa. Ani killed themsa all, but mesa sure theysa will getten better. Der problem issen... mesa knowen about fifty ancient mystic Gungan hangover cures, but while mesa actually *haven* a hangover, mesa can rememberen noah one of themsa! Oo-er...

Monday, August 01, 2005

Heh heh...

Mesa hassen realisen something. People issen finden mesa annoyen. Lots of people sayen mesa issen ruinen Star Wars, and dat Mr Lucas should noah have putten mesa in. Hmph. Whatsa do theysa knowen? Star Wars issen a documentary series. People whosa watchen documentaries for entertainment issen *wierd*, mesa sayen.

Anyway, yousa maybe tinken itsa bad to beein annoyen. Noah necessarily so. If yousa hassen been capturen by easily irritated Tusky Raiders, who soon starten to wanten yousa gone because yousa issen so annoyen... Heh heh. Hence der title of mesa post. Theysa noah can just kill mesa (phew) because mesa explainen to themsa that mesa spirit would haunten themsa for eternity. Issen lucky mesa knowen about mystical stuff. Maybe mesa could becomen theirsa shaman... Nah. Anyway, mesa just hassen to annoy themsa a bit longer...