Sunday, July 31, 2005

Oh no... mesa fish paste.

Mesa goin out for FIVE MINUTES, and mesa bein kidnapped! *grumbles in irritation* Der tusky raiders issen noah berry friendly, and mesa tinken theysa wanten to cooken mesa. OW! Keepen yousa gaffi stick to yousaself! How wude. Mesa hassen deciden dat tryen to briben themsa with coffee issen a useless task. Oh well... at least if mesa getten back, wesa can drinken itsa oursaselves. If mesa ever getten back.

If der tusky raiders cooken mesa, mesa leaven mesa official robes to Senator Padme, mesa moisturisen cream to Kit Fisto, mesa stock of coffee beans on Courscant to Aayla, mesa boomas and sling to Captain Tarpals on Naboo, mesa copy of "Gungan Mystical Traditions Through the Ages" to Captain Typho, mesa apartment to Qui-Gon and Jawajuice so theysa can usen itsa as a warehouse for der brownies, and mesa laptop computer to der tusky raiders, so maybe thesa will blowen themsaselves up with it. Mesa tinken thissen issen all of mesa worldly possesions. If theresa issen anyting left over, mesa given Master Yoda power of attourney so hesa can dividen it all up - hesa issen berry wise.

BUT THISSEN NOAH MEANEN MESA WANTEN TO BE LEFT HERE!!!

Coruscant Blogger's Department Official Notice: Help us to save Jar Jar. For every specially marked product you buy at authorized Coruscant-based dairies, convenience stores, and superettes, twenty cents will be donated to the Save Jar Jar Binks Fund. Don't let the Tusken Raiders eat him.

Theysa issen lyen. Theysa will spenden all der money on beer.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

So... whatsa mesa doin now?

Tatooine. Issen a horrible place, berry berry nasty. Issen berry hot, and berry dry, and MESA ISSEN RUNNEN OUT OF MOISTURISER!
But lately, mesa hassen realisen dat mesa hassen only been worryen about how uncomfortable it issen to liven here. Mesa hassen never really tinken about how BORING itsa issen. Until now. Thissen laptop computer hassen no games or anyting, since then itsa would be a luxury item. Mesa issen only allowed to haven it because mesa needen to keep posten on mesa blog. Here.
Mesa hassen maken a game, actually. Itsa issen noah a berry good game, though. See, on Tatooine not all of der sand issen yellowish. Occaisionally, say, one grain in ten thousand, yousa issen getting a green one, or a red one, or a blue one, or even a puce one. So, mesa new hobby issen to collecten themsa. Yeah - muy muy boring. Mesa tinken maybe, if mesa getten enough, mesa could sellen itsa to der tusky raiders or something. *sigh* So boring...

Friday, July 29, 2005

Jar Jar, Gungan Mystical Man

Jawajuice hassen asken me how yousa curen warts. There issen several ways:

  • Yousa could try hanging a live frog in a bag around yousa neck.
  • Personally, mesa suggesten a salve of peanut-butter and condensed milk in a... ooh... roughly 3:2 mix. But yousa mussen be sure no-one issen eaten yousa.
  • Dere issen a theory dat dere can be only a certain number of warts in der galaxy. Thissen may or may noah be true. But if yousa tinken issen true, den yousa mussen rub an object on yousa warts and leave it for someone else to finden. The warts will be transferren to themsa. Be sure to choosen something dat someone else issen likely to picken up. JJ, yousa could tryen der fork dat Leia brought for der Survivor: Tatooine game. Mesa should noah have sayen thassen.
  • Dip der affected body part in acid. Noah reccomended.
  • Maken der wart bleeden, and put a drop of blood on each of nine pieces of corn. Den, feeden der corn to a kaadu.
  • If all else fails, yousa mussen burn der wart off with a lightsabre.

If yousa asken mesa, mesa will offer mesa ancient Gungan mystical remedies to yousa free of charge, each Friday. Just comment on mesa most recent post, and mesa will pick out a request and tellen yousa how to fix itsa. Mesa will also offeren all kinds of other mystic stuff, from love potions to voodoo dolls

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Itsa goin well!

Mesa tinken wesa gonna win! Now mesa will noah haven to disturben der ancient spirits of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo again. Theysa issen noah liken bein risen more dan once a month. Here issen der ritual, in case yousa ever needen itsa...

1. Drawen a five-point star on der ground with blue or purple chalk. Mesa finden dat dere issen a store in Mos Eisly dat issen sellen many varieties of chalk.
2. Burnen incense at each point of der star. Any good Gungan Wal-Mart can sellen yousa der required spice, but mesa finden dat Kessel Spice both worken better, and putten der spirits in a better mood. Where possible, though, mesa usen Master Qui-Gon's bombad brownies.
3. Stand on yousa right leg in der center of der star and spinnen around nine times, anticlockwise.
4. Sitten down, and looken directly at der first name on yousa list, and say der word "Eeny". If yousa hassen completed all der other steps correctly, yousa will beginnen to feel der mystical energies flowen through yousa.
5. Concentraten on der second name in der list, and say der word "Meeny".
6. Continue down der list, sayen der words "Miney" and "Mo".
7. Den, yousa must maken up yousa own line to usen. Itsa mussen rhyme with der first one, and be appropriate to der situation. For example, mesa usen "Sorry, but you've got to go," since mesa wassen choosen whosa to voten off der show.
8. Repeaten der first line again in der same way.
9. If yousa comen to der bottom of der list, den start moven back upwards again. Noah skippen right back to der top. Thissen issen der mistake dat most people maken. Der spirits noah liken thissen.
10. Der name you come to on der final "Mo" issen der name recommended by der spirits.

If at any time yousa issen knocked out from der mystic energy coursing through yousa body, yousa may enter der spirit realm. Dere, yousa may talken directly to der spirits of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo yousaself, where theysa will given yousa an in-depth recommendation.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

After der storm...

Mesa hassen sand in mesa eyes. Mesa hassen sand in mesa ears. Mesa hassen sand in mesa mouth. Mesa hassen sand up mesa... er... never mind.

And mesa coffee plants hassen been burried. Mesa will finden themsa. Itsa issen just a matter of time. Mesa hassen almost figuren out der perfect combination of beans.

Of course, to negotiaten with der tusky raiders, mesa mussen speaken tusky raider language. Mesa mussen practisen.

OOOOwwwooorooROwlrRowWroOo *cough* *ahem* ROOWUIODOUWUDWUFwOwuwowOwd...MOOOOOOOO!
Coruscant Department of Translation Official Notice: Jar Jar's tuskan raider speech here translates to "Give them the thorns of lots of different thorny plants, and GREEN CHEESE BLING BLING with much liquid oranges. Eat me now.
Coruscant Department of Translation Official Rating: 1/10 - If this were actually used in conversation, it would result in a serious faux pas (at best).

Sunday, July 24, 2005

First Vote Off

General Grievous issen gone. Mesa honestly can noah sayen mesa will missen himsa, hesa issen creepy. Mesa hopen Fluke issen noah wanten revenge. Itsa wassen der result of der rites of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, but mesa noah tinken hesa understanden themsa. Well, dere issen nothing left to do but keep tryen to sell coffee to der tusky raiders and waiten for der next challenge. Mesa hassen confirmen dat mesa beans can be distilled into a vaguely coffee-like substance with Aayla's coffee machine. Now, mesa just needen to convincen der tusky raiders to swap coffee for peace.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Whosa shall mesa voten off?

Oursa team losen der challenge on Survivor: Tatooine. Now, wesa gonna haven to voten someone off. Who shall mesa voten for?

Mesa Choices:

Aayla
Fluke
General Grievous
Leia
Obi
Der Supreme Chancellor
Qui-Gon Jinn

Erm... Eeny meeny miney mo, sorry but you've got to go... eeny meeny miney mo!

Sorry, Fluke. Der ancient Gungan rites of "Eeny meeny miney mo" hassen chosen yousa.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Why Noah Tellen Mesa Earlier???

Why? Why? Why does General Grievous only mentionen to mesa dat Aayla brought a coffee machine *after* mesa wassen mucken about tryen to maken themsa out of sand, and sand, and sand (ad infinitum)... and sand, and rocks, and rocks (ad infinitum)... and womp rat skeletons, and tusky raider helmets, and sand worm guts, and Master Yoda's doody (noah asken, *please*...) - mesa point issen, WHY???

But, mesa noah knowen if Aayla hassen coffee beans with hersa, or if shesa issen haven enough to traden in substantial quantities with der tusky raiders so dat theysa will leaven ussen alone instead of tryen to killen ussen. Mesa may still needen der beans mesa issen cultivaten - if thissen issen der right word. Mesa hassen three nearly dead plants in der shallow, 1 cm deep soil growing what might be beans.

Mesa can only hopen.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Mesa Plan

Once mesa hassen built a coffee machine, mesa can fixen oursa problems with der Tusky Raiders. Issen berry simple. Give themsa coffee.

Theysa will soon become addicted to der sweet caffiene... *drools hungrily* and will actually help ussen so dat theysa can getten more of itsa. Mesa hassen some beans from a scrawny plant dat might be worken, now mesa needen a coffee machine. Oh... and water. Hmm.

What materials issen mesa haven around here? Rocks... good. More rocks... even better. More rocks... not so good... Ooh! Ooh!

Sand!

Wait - thatsa issen noah so useful, eh? Maybe mesa can maken der basic structure of der coffee machine from womp rat bones. Mesa now needed to kill one with mesa boomas. One minute...

HI-YAH!

Several small explosions follow. Jar Jar yelps several times as his Boomas burst with electrical crackles. The unmistakeable battle-cry of a wild womp rat is heard...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Coffee

Mesa hassen a theory dat all planets in der galaxy hassen an equivalent to coffee. All of themsa. Even Tatooine, even though itsa issen just a dusty ball. So, mesa issen looken for itsa. If only mesa hadn't needed to bringen thissen moisturisen cream to stop mesa skin from cracking *rubs moisturiser on self* mesa could have bringen some coffee mesaself. Oh well.

Mesa hassen collecten some different kinds of plants. Theysa issen all pretty scrawny. One of themsa mighten be dead. But itsa might just be a part of der natural life cycle. Mesa hassen high hopes for one of themsa, which seems to be growen beans of some kind.

Now, mesa issen just needed a coffee machine...

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Mesa hassen posten on der Survivor Tatooine blog. Look there. Stop botheren mesa.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Survivor: Tatooine

Mesa hassen arriven on Tatooine for der game show. Issen berry hot here, mesa skin issen dryen up. But if mesa winnen, mesa will get a million credits! Whoo! Mesa hassen to live on Tatooine with der other contestants for ages. Mesa hopen mesa moisturisen cream holden out. You can checken out der central progress blog at survivortatooine.blogspot.com - wesa issen all haven laptop computers to posten with.

Mesa tribe issen starten in der Beggar's Canyon, where der Tusky Raiders live. Mesa hassen a plan to stop themsa from getting too nasty... but mesa will need to make a coffee machine out of natural materials. Mesa can do that.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Cruddy Interstellar Shuttles

Iffen yousa mussen ever fly from Coruscant to Tatooine, noah taken Tatooine Spacelines. Mesa only taken der Tatooine Spacelines Jumbo Shuttle because mesa wassen getten a free return-trip ticket for thissen game show. Itsa issen a bad idea. Next time, mesa will pay.

Theirsa spaceliners issen full of sand. Mesa issen haten sand berry much. Theysa sayen that itsa issen meant to be therapeutic. Yeah, right. Mesa tinken dat theysa issen haven more dan sand in dere. Mesa hassen an encyclopaedia of Tatooiney stuffs with mesa, since mesa issen revising for Survivor Tatooine. Mesa issen almost 60% sure dat mesa hassen found 3 of der 4 signs dat dere issen a large froup of baby Sarlaccs on board.

1. Tentacles sprouting out of the sand
2. A sign saying "Danger! Sarlacc nesting ground!" (check)
3. People's toes disappearing mysteriously and being digested over the course of millennia (check)
4. Presence of an adult Sarlacc (check - issen hidden in der cabin, mesa tinks)

Mesa will suen dissen spaceline when mesa getten back to Coruscant.

Monday, July 11, 2005

*crawls spluttering out of a huge pile of sewage*

Oookeydaaay... mesa apartment issen full of shit. Thissen issen gonna take a longo time for der plumbers and der cleaners to fix. Luckily, mesa hassen been invited to a game show on Tatooine! Mesa hassen der perfect excuse to clear out of der shit-filled apartment and noah comen back for weeks! Itsa could noah haven happened at a better time.

Mesa noah knowen how mesa gonna do without mesa coffee, though.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Mesa Issen Gonna Dry Up!

Mesa apartment hassen a bath. Itsa issen needen one, gungans can noah liven properly without water. Normally, mesa bath issen berry nice. Itsa can regulate der temperature to within 0.5 degrees celsius, and der pH to within 0.1. Sadly, mesa bath issen broken. Der plumbing issen backen up, and mesa toilet issen feeden directly into der taps.

Now mesa issen gonna haven to fixen it. Senator Padme reccomenden mesa should hire a professional, but theysa issen crooks. Mesa will fixen der bath mesaself. Mesa issen qualified, mesa wassen a plumber before mesa wassen exiled from Otoh Gunga for destroyen der city's pumbing.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Experimentation

Mesa issen worken on... improven... mesa coffee.
Der coffee machine in Senator Padme's office issen noah bombad enough. Itsa issen needen improvement. Mesa plannen to adden a (small) thermonuclear reactor, in order to heaten der coffee faster. Any effects of meltdown will be cushioned by der coffee grounds. As well, der grounds themselvesa issen needen spicen up. Kessel spice, mesa tinken.

Another improvement: current coffee makers issen removen der spent grounds after use, which issen diminishen der flavour. Thissen issen neccesary because no one issen wanten der grounds to be left in theirsa coffee. Mesa plan issen to completely dissolven der grounds in der coffee, to preserve der flavour.

Any other ideas?

Friday, July 08, 2005

Coffee Break

Ouchie... der mutant plants hassen escaped into der wild. Mesa left theirsa cage open when mesa went for mesa coffee break. Thissen might seem a little bitty careless... but yousa woulden all haven done der same ting. Mesa really needed mesa coffee! Mayb mesa issen becomen addicted... nah.

Mesa mussen go, mesa needen mesa coffee.

Back. Anyway, Coruscant hassen berry few plants. Theysa will... er... improve biodiversity. Yes. And improve der ecology by... eh... photosynthesis.

Mesa needen more coffee now.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Mesa Haven A Plan

Mesa hassen figuren out how to beaten der giant plant. Mesa gonna fighten fire with fire.
Today, mesa orderen a bunch of der most genetically unstabled plants on Naboo. Den, 'causen mesa realisen theysa issen all pretty tame, mesa orderen some from Dagobah and Kashyyk.
Den, mesa went to der Gardenen Supplies store down der street. Mesa hassen stocken up on radioactive fertilizers and gene-modifiercation kits.
Heehee... mesa issen gonna maken a plant army dat can kill without mercy!

Official Safety Recommendation: Old Republic health and safety requires that this message be added to Jar Jar's blog. This ominous post may sound dire, but Jar Jar will screw it up somehow. There is no need to worry about being devoured by mutant plants.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Giant Plants?

Mesa wassen goin down to der lower level inconvenience store today to getten mesa mornen munchen cereal. Mesa taken a wrong turn and - wuh oh. Theresa issen some berry freaky stuff down dere. Dere wassen a few men in green uniforms, and theysa wassen wateren a giant plant! Itsa wassen as big as a Fambaa - well, maybe not *dat* big, but itsa wassen pretty jumbo. Itsa had big mouths with spikey teeth!

Mesa tinken der men who wassen wateren it might have been Jedi whosa never gotten picked as Padawans, becausen theysa could usen der force to lift theirsa wateren cans. Mesa tinken thissen how theysa made der plant so big - with der force. Hmm... mesa noah liken dissen.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Dissen why mesa haten convenience stores

Noah getten mesa wrong - convenience stores issen berry... uh... convenient. Especially on Naboo, where der nearest supermarket issen always at least 2 km away through der swampy. But on Coruscant...
Here, dere issen shops for everything. But, since dere issen so many different shops, dere issen berry few places where yousa can buyen *everyting*. Dere issen one just down der street from mesa apartment. But now, just when mesa kitchen hassen boomed and mesa can noah cook anyting, der convenience store issen shut. Der owner issen on holiday.
Now, mesa hassen to go to der lower levels to getten milk, cereal, bread, everyting. Dat issen where der nearest other convenience store issen. It took mesa so long yesterday, mesa had no time to post.

Dere issen someting wierd goin on down dere... mesa might checken itsa out tomorrow.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Wow

Mesa went to der dentist thissen mornen to getten der teddy bear surgically removed from mesa mouth. Whosa issen itsa belongen to, anyway? Der dentist looken at mesa sort of funny, and hesa didn't believe mesa at first. Hissen eyes bulged out when hesa saw dat dere really wassen a teddy in dere - well, actually, hesa wassen a Mon Calamari, so hissen eyes were bulging out all der time anyway.

Mesa tried Obi's method of curing hangovers, and let mesa sayen dat itsa worken for a while, but den itsa getten muy muy worse when der next case of beer wearen off. Der only way to make itsa worken properly issen to keep drinken until yousa die. And mesa noah wanten dat.

Spaking of Obi, hesa hassen been looking for hissen twin lately. But guess what? Mesa haven a twin too! Hissen name issen Jar Jar as well, and wesa knowen all der same people - why hassen wesa never met before? Hesa hassen a blog too, see! http://lifeofjarjar.blogspot.com/

Mesa got to go now, bye.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Urgh...

Urrrrururugurgh...
*drools over keyboard*
Urgh... Mesa berry berry berryyyry... urgh...
Mesa had fun at der party last night, but now mesa noah feelen so good. Mesa hassen no washen up liquid in mesa cupboard, dere issen a fish on mesa ear, mesa haven bombad hangover, there issen a teddy bear lodged behind mesa molars, and mesa robes hassen been torn and covered in porridge. Thissen last time mesa wearen important fancy Senator's Assistant robes to a party...
Urgh...
*throws up over computer and blacks out, inadvertantly hitting the "publish post" button in the process*

Friday, July 01, 2005

Remind mesa never to cooken anyting again

First mesa new speeder boomen, now mesa kitchen issen covered in soot. Since theresa issen a slumber party at Aayla's housen tonight, mesa thought mesa woulden tryen to cook some food to taken. Itsa wassen a bad idea from der start. Mesa tryen to maken a nice pie. Mesa leaven oven on for waaay to long. While der pie wassen preparen to explode, mesa wassen burnen mesa robes while tryen to maken a cake. Den mesa tripped over mesa shoelace and mesa emergency blaster went off and... weeell...

Mesa getten a team of repairmen in for der night, while mesa issen at Aayla's. Mesa gonna go and *buy* some food for der party now.