Saturday, December 31, 2005

Mission 3: Operation "Wesa goin' on a Twi'lek hunt"

Mesa figuren der best place to start would be der Twi'lek homeworld, Ryloth. Issen a wierd place. One one side of der planet, issen always daytime. On der other side, issen always nighttime. In der bit where der Twi'lek all live, issen always five-thirty on a Friday evening. Or perhaps seven-thirty on a Saturday morning. Yousa can noah ever tell.

Of course, mesa noah dere for sightseeing. Mesa gotta find Aayla Secura. Itsa can be noah so hard - shesa issen blue! How many blue Twi'lek women can theresa possibly by on der Twi'lek homeworld?

"Aayla! Aayl- er... sorry, miss."
"Hey! Yousa! Aayla Sec- sorry, yousa looky like someone mesa knowen."
"Aayl- oh, forgetten itsa..."
Okeyday, mebbe mesa should have looked up hersa Ryloth address in der Order Directory before mesa leaven. Theresa so many caves... hersa clan mussen liven in one of themsa! Mesa will finden a telephone box. A phone book will help.

Aayl'asecuqux, Aayl'asecuquy, Aayl'asecuquz... Okeyday, here wesa are: Aayl'asecura. Lucky theresa a map in thissen phone book. Should be easy to find der cave.

Okeyday, thissen should be der last hill. No, theresa another valley ahead. Down into der valley and up der next hill... and theresa another valley. Down and up again, and down again and up again, and down again and - wait. Back up der way mesa came. Yes, thissen der right cave. Knock on der- theresa noah door. Noah panic, Jar Jar, jussen ring der doorbe- theresa noah doorbell! Okeyday, Jar Jar, now yousa can panic. EARGHARAGHARHARGARAGH! EEEEE!

"What's all the noise about? Why is someone screaming outside my- Jar Jar? What are you doing here on Ryloth?"
"EEEAARRREEEARRREEAREAREARIIII! EE-oh... er... hello, Aayla... er... nice day."
"It's evening. It's always evening. It's been five-thirty p.m. on Friday the seventeenth of August for well over ten thousand years. The Twi'lek people have saved a fortune from not having to purchase calenders."
"Oh... of course..."
"Well, come in. Would you like some coffee?"
"WOULD mesa?"

"You've kind of caught me at a bad time, I've finished my research on Darth Hidious, Darth Mrow, Darth Gollum and Darth Smeagol, and Darth Wayne, but I still have some work to do on one of the most devious and evil of them all - Darth Oprah. I have Master Yoda's files on her, but we still need more information."
"Yousa been studyen Darth Oprah for four months!?"
"Has it been that long? Oh no - I haven't bought any new clothes since I've been doing the work for Sith Awareness Week! Everything I have is probably out of fashion by now!"
"But... Sith Awareness Week issen over."
"Yeah, but it was kinda a big flop. If I prepare well for next year, though, and get some better publicity for it, it'll work out just great."
"Okeyday... well, mesa here on a mission."
"What kind of mission?"
"To find yousa! Der Chancellor sent mesa to - uh... find out what yousa know about der Sith."
"The Chancellor? I should have seen this coming. I need more coffee."
"Why? Whatsa issen wrong with der Chancellor?"
"*Sigh* You are so clueless, Jar Jar. Did he feed you some story about Sith connections in Darkside Foods that he "honestly didn't know about"? Because he told me the same thing. And I believed him. But during my research, I keep finding little unexplainable discrepancies, like someone is covering up the mistakes of all the Sith. Take Darth Hidious's operation on Hoth, for example. After Mace Windu killed his psychotic clone, he went straight back to Coruscant. He was overdue for his scalp care appointment; he didn't realise that there might be Sith secrets hidden inside Hidious's computers. I sent a probe droid to Hoth, but when it got there, someone had taken all the fridge magnets off of Darth Hidious's freezer and stuck them on the computers. The data was irretrievably corrupted."
"So? Mebbe Darth Hidious put themsa dere so noahone would find hissen secret plans?"
"No. One of the fridge magnets wasn't Sith-issue. It was a picture of a bright yellow speedo. Only one person in the galaxy would ever have a yellow speedo-shaped fridge magnet."
"Yousa meanen... der Supreme Chancellor issen helpen der Sith?"
"Worse. I think that Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith."

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Okeyday, thissen time for sure.

Mesa stopped, about to open der door, and knocked.
"Chancellor? Are yousa dressed?"
Noah answer.
"Mister Chancellor?" Hmm. Guess hesa noah home. Mesa went in...

And der Chancellor wassen lying on hissen desk, in bright green speedoes, with whipped cream all over hissen face and cucumber slices on hissen eyes.
"Argh! What? What? Who's interrupting my facial?" Hesa sitten up and taken off der cucumber slices. "You again? Don't you ever knock?"
"Mesa did knocken! Yousa noah answeren!"
"Well, I didn't hear you! I must have fallen asleep!"
"Why are yousa having a facial in yoursa office?"
"My job is my life, Jam Jar." Mesa noah botheren to correcten himsa. "I don't have enough spare time to prepare a good facial, so I have to cater to my beautifying needs while I'm at work. It's not as if I want the seven hours to spend every day on scalp care that Mace Windu has, but just a little time to stop myself winding up like this...

...would be nice!

"Er... okeyday. Well, der crown jewelies of Alderaan and Leia's fork are in yoursa storehouse. Do yousa haven another mission for mesa?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. Kenobi - check. Organa - check. That leaves Jinn, Secura, Starbucker, and of course, yourself... heeheehee!"
"Sorry? What?"
"Erm... nothing. Your next mission. Well, several months ago, the Jedi Knight Aayla Secura disappeared while collecting information for Sith Awareness Week. Find her, interrogate her, and if she has discovered any information that might be used against me, use whatever means necessary to stop her from returning to the Jedi Temple!"
"Why would shesa find information about yousa while shesa wassen researchen for Sith Awareness Week?"
"Er... well... it's a funny story, that... you see... my food company, Darkside Foods, is owne- er... used to be owned by the Sith Order, and, well, you never know, there... may... be some Sith connections in the company that I honestly don't know about! But if Aayla finds evidence of these, pleading ignorance may not be enough to prove me innocent in the Coruscant Supreme Court! So... you see?"
"Noah weally, but okeyday."

These missions keep getten wierder. And theresa someting strange about der Chancellor...

Noahone in theirsa right mind would where speedoes that shade of green.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Mission 2: Operation "Weally Bad Idea"

Thissen nuts. Mesa gotta stealen der most treasured possessions of one of der galaxy's most powerful families. Der tings mesa do for mesa job...
At least Count Dooku comen with mesa. Although, thassen mebbe a bad ting...
Count Dooku: Tally ho, what what? This'll be an absolute cracker of a mission, don't you agree?
Jar Jar: Er... yesss...
Count Dooku: And Lord Sidi- er... Chancellor Palpatine even said I could take a piece or two of treasure for my own collection! The crown jewels of Serenno are so frightfully dreary, you know.
Jar Jar: Wonderfullen.
Wesa were on Alderaan, at der front door of Princess Leia's palace. Wesa were wearen cameras around oursa necks to disguisen oursaselves as tourists. Count Dooku wassen taken a lot of pictures of der mountains.
Jar Jar: So... howsa wesa gonna getten in?
Count Dooku: Join a tour, I assume. Hesa holden up a camera. These disguises really do work wonders, you know, Jam Jar.
Jar Jar: Issen Jar Jar.
Count Dooku: Oh, sorry. My maste- I mean, the Chancellor, said your name was Jam Jar.
Jar Jar: Grr...
Count Dooku: Hmm. Although, this Leia is still alive and living here, isn't she? Normally they don't give tours of occupied palaces. I certainly wouldn't let anyone take tours of *my* mansion on Serenno.
Jar Jar: So, how?
Count Dooku: Well, I could use a mind trick on the guard - although, whenever a plan calls for the use of a mind trick, the guards always turn out to be Toydarian - or I could cut a hole in the wall or window with my lightsabre, or we could tunnel in with plastic spoons, or-
Jar Jar: Or wesa could do thissen! Mesa threw a booma at der door guard. Hesa wassen knocken out.
Count Dooku: That could work.

Der inside of der palace wassen huge! So many rooms, and so many doors... When wesa found der treasure rooms, theresa turnen out to be about fifty vaults.
Count Dooku: Ooh, if only we had time to loot this place properly, eh what? There's so much in here I would love to reappropriate. Ah, yes, this vault looks likely, it has the Alderaanian coat of arms on it.
Jar Jar: Issen two crossed forks with a blue background.
Count Dooku: Yes, I believe Leia had the coat of arms changed.
Hesa starten to cutten through der vault door with hissen lightsabre. Den, three forks thudded into der wall next to der door.
Princess Leia: What do you think you're doing here?
Shesa wassen looken berry angry. Shesa wassen wearen a leather bandolier filled with forks, and had a fork in each hand.
Count Dooku: Don't worry, Jar Jar, I'll handle this.
Hesa pullen hissen lightsabre out of der door and getten into a fighting stance.
Princess Leia: What, you think I've never fough Sith before? I wasn't born yesterday, mister!
Shesa pullen a matt black fork out of hersa bandolier and throwen itsa. Count Dooku blocken itsa with hissen lightsabre... and hissen lightsabre fizzed and went out.
Count Dooku: Honestly! Does everyone have cortosis weaponry these days? Hmph.
Princess Leia: Hi-yah!
Mesa hassen never facen a dual-fork-wielding princess of Alderaan before, and, well... mesa noah feelen up to der challenge.
Jar Jar: Hurryen uppen! Cut through der door!
Count Dooku: With this thing? Hissen lightsabre wassen still spluttering. I'd do more damage with a crumpet, frankly.
Jar Jar: Er... Okeyday, mesa will holden hersa off, yousa figuren out der combination lock.
Mesa turnen round and facen Princess Leia.
Princess Leia: Into the garbage chute, frog boy!
Mesa ducked hersa next fork, and starten throwen boomas. Leia blocken themsa all with forks. Shesa good. Shesa berry good. Meanwhile, Dooku wassen fumbling with an electronic lockpick thingy.
Count Dooku: Ah! I have it! Spiffing!
Der door swung open. Mesa ducken another fork and running inside with Dooku. Der crown jewelies were on a table, and Leia's silver fork wassen on a pedestal next to it. One der other side of der table was a pedestal holding a berry large silver spoon. Mesa looken at der spoon, den at Leia.
Princess Leia: Oh no. Don't you get any ideas.
Mesa grabben der spoon and throwen itsa at hersa head.
Princess Leia: Oof!
Shesa collapsen unconscious on der floor.
Count Dooku: So, spoons are her kryptonite? Spiffing! Let's take these jewels and get out of here, shall we? Tally ho!
Jar Jar: Hmm.
Mesa picken up der spoon and putten itsa in mesa pocket. Yousa never knowen when a spoon might be useful.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Der Chancellor's New Speedo

Mesa walken up to der door of der sumpreme chancellor's office. Hesa sayen hesa would getten changed, so itsa should be safe to go in. Mesa openen der door...

And see Chancellor Palpatine wearen a santa hat and bright red speedoes with fluffy white edging.

"Er... Mister Chancellor, sir, mesa tinken yousa sayen yousa would get changed!"
"I did! These are my Christmas speedoes, Jam Jar! You have to get with the spirit of the season!" Hesa jiggled hissen head to show off der pompom on hissen hat.
"Issen Jar Jar, Mister Chancellor."
"Yes, yes, what was I thinking? Jar Jar. Mind if I call you Marmalade for short?"
"Er... no, noah doin that. Please."
"Oh, fine. Now, your next mission. I believe I decided to send you after... Leia, yes. Princess Leia."
"Mesa never hearen of hersa before."
"She was on the same team as us during Survivor: Tatooine, don't you remember? Which is exactly why I want revenge on her, of course!"
"Hmm. Probably because she's not supposed to be born for another five years. *Ahem* Anyway, she's a princess from Alderaan, and I want you to take something from her."
"Well... the crown jewels of Alderaan."
"I have a Nubian Retreiver at my ranch that they would adorn quite nicely, I believe."
"Er... stealen der crowned jewelies of Alderaan?"
"And perhaps her favourite silver fork if you can get hold of it. Yes, my silverware collection is missing an Alderaanian battle-fork."
"But... stealen der-"
"Yes, yes, that's it. Tell you what, I'll send Lord Ty- er... Count Dooku with you on this one. Leia won't be pleased to find her fork gone, and you might need backup."

De-alcoolising Obi's beer, mesa can handle, but now mesa tinken mebbe der Chancellor issen noah entirely on der level. Noah wonderen mesa always losen so much in der poker games. Well, mesa gotta do what hesa sayen. Hesa der boss, after all.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Mission 1: Operation Sober-Obi

Thissen whole ting seemen a little bitty suspicious. Mesa hassen never hearen of thissen "order 66" before, and mesa tinken der Chancellor hassen an ulterior motive. Hesa always keeped talken to himsaself... But hey, issen can noah be that bad, right?

Mesa sneeken into der Jedi temple berry stealthily, quieterer than a whisper... and bangen into Master Yoda on hissen way out.
"Jar Jar? Doing what you are here, hmm?"
"Er... mesa sorry, Master Yoda, mesa can noah tellen yousa. Official businesses."
"Tell me you will what doing here you are."
"Tellen yousa mesa will whatsa doin here mesa issen..."
"Doing here are you what, Jar Jar?"
"Mesa on a mission for der Chancellor... mesa gotta taken all der alcohol out of Obi's beer supply..."
Yoda's ears perken up when hesa hearen thissen.
"Kenobi's beer? Help you I will. Perhaps less irritating when he is sober, Kenobi will be. Know for certain I do not. Never seen him sober before have I."

Yoda's key getten ussen into Obi's room, but hissen storeroom hassen a different lock. Issen a berry secure combination lock with ten digits.
"Hmm. Use the force to open this, perhaps I can."
Yoda starten to wave hissen hands at der door. Mesa stood back and throwen some boomas at der door.
"Jar Jar! Trying to kill me are y-argh!"
"Oh... sorry, Master Yoda."
Hesa looken unconscious, but hesa will probably be okeyday. And mesa boomas scramblen der combination lock and breaken itsa, so now der door wassen open. Mesa walken inside.

So much beer. Rows and rows of cans, wall to wall and floor to ceiling, and huge piles of cheeto bags too! How much can Obi possibly needen? But dere wassen someone else dere too. A Jedi youngling.
"*Hic* Hi, Jar Jar!" Hesa knowen mesa, but mesa can noah tellen der younglings apart. Human children all looky der same to mesa.
"Whosa are yousa, and why yousa in Obi's beer supply?"
"My name'sh *hic* Harvey. I'm guarding Mashter Kenobi'sh *hic* supply room until he getsh back from TVland."
"Hassen yousa been drinken Obi's beer?" mesa asken.
"Well... I got shtuck in here *hic* and couldn't open the door 'cause it was locked. I got thirsty. And hungry, so I *hic* ate his cheetoes too. Hey, do you *hic* wanna shee my toys? We can play a game if you *hic* want."
"No, mesa busy. Mesa on official business for der Chancellor."
"Oh, okay. Maybe *hic* later."
"HARVEY! There are you! Looking for you for days I have been!"
"Harvey! Drinking Kenobi's beer have you been? Tell you did I not that old enough to drink beer you are not?"
"But I was thirsty!"
"No buts you may say! Come with me now you must, or give you a force-wedgie I will."
Harvey and Yoda leaven mesa alone with der beer. Mesa sighed and starten to picken up der cans.

"Jar Jar? What are you doing back so soon?" Mesa closen mesa eyes - der Chancellor wassen still sunnen himsaself in hissen speedo.
"Er... can mesa usen one of yoursa chemical plants? Mesa noah haven der equipment to getten der alcohol out of thissen beer." Mesa pointen at der speeder full of cans parken outside der window.
"Yes, yes, fine. Just make sure you do every can and put them all back exactly as you found them. Obi-Wan, check. Next... how about Princess Leia? Yes, good. Report for your next mission at... er... as soon as I've gotten changed."

Monday, December 19, 2005

Worken for der Chancellor

Mesa arriven at der Chancellor's office thissen mornen, where an horrific scene awaiten mesa. Mesa wassen wearen mesa bestest official robes. In contrast, Palpatine, Supreme Chancellor of der Republic, wassen wearen berry little at all. Mesa became familiar with hissen banana-yellow speedoes along with all der other Survivor: Tatooine contestants a few monthies ago. Today, hissen sunroof wassen open and hesa wassen lyin in a deck chair in der middle of hissen office wearing noahting but speedoes.

"Argh! Mesa eyes!"
"What? What? Oh! Argh! I was just... um... working on my tan... you know... the smog and pollution and stuff..." hesa trailed off.
"Er... mesa sorry, mister Chancellor, sir."
"Hmm? Wha- Oh! Yes, yes - *ahem* - so you should be... uh... Jam Jar, isn't it?"
"Issen Jar Jar. Mesa Jar Jar Binks. Remember?"
"Oh... yes, I remember... One of that bloodsucking Mabitt Tribe... they shall all pay, but this one shall be first, yes..."
"Sorry? Whatsa yousa sayen?"
"*Ahem* Nothing. Now, your first assignment shall be... hmm... perhaps I can turn them against each other... there's Aayla, Fluke, Qui-Gon, Leia, and... ah... Where was I? Your first assignment shall be to... doctor... Obi-Wan Kenobi's beer stocks! Specifically, I want you to remove every trace of alcohol from every can! Muwhahahahaha!"
"Er... mesa yousa office assistant, mister Chancellor, sir. Mesa noah an espionage expert."
"Oh. You aren't?" Hesa seemen disappointed. "Don't they train sub-senators in black-ops anymore? I mean, it's not as if this task is on the level of 'sneak into a guarded facility on Geonosis and plant a bomb to destroy the whole separatist army' now, is it? Well, I want you to try anyway. Use whatever methods seem appropriate. Obi-Wan fights at his best while blind drunk, so this will give me a major advantage when I give Order 66."
"Order 66?"
"Er... Oh, Sithspawn! Did I say that out loud? Well... Order 66 is the order I give when... uh... I want all the Jedi to... hold a tournament! With betting! Yes! And I can bet on whoever is fighting Obi-Wan, you see? Clever, no?"
"Oh. Okeyday. Mesa will try, then. Yousa der boss, mesa supposen."
"Excellent. Right now, Obi-Wan is out on a mission to find a place called 'TVland' looking for a human known as Ernest, so it shouldn't be difficult to sneak into his rooms at the temple and fix this up. Off you go." Mesa goin to leave, but when mesa goin through der door, mesa turnen around.
"Mister Chancellor, sir, maybe yousa should put some pants on."
"What? I'm not nearly finished sunning myself!"

Friday, December 09, 2005

Mesa Been WHAT?

Senator Padme looky at hersa orders again. Den, shesa finally talken.
"This letter says I'm, like... supposed to give you a promotion?"
"Whatsa yousa sayen?"
"A promotion. Queen Jamillia, like, wants to promote you. She says that we can claim the, like, insurance from the water damage and get the office repaired, and this place has been falling apart for months, y'know? And she says that all the official documents that were destroyed were ones that needed to be shredded anyway to cover up our embezz- uh... I mean... never mind."
"So, whatsa mesa promotion gonna be?"
"Hmm. I can't read it, there's a big, messy ink stain on the, like, page. There's a note at the bottom, I think that's the Chancellor's handwriting. It says 'Jar Jar Binks is to be promoted to my "personal assistant" - muwhahahaha!' Like, whatever that means."

Hmm. Mesa suspicious. Der Supreme Chancellor issen berry wierd. Mesa playen poker with himsa and Jawajuice sometimes. Hesa muy muy sneaky and cunning. And hesa tried to getten mesa convicted of murder during mesa duel with Yarael Poof. And some of mesa cousins tinken hesa issen a Sith Lord. And most of hissen invoices are forgeries. On der other hand, mesa will earnen 500 credits a month and getten three weeks paid holiday. Hmm.

Mesa will doin itsa!

Monday, December 05, 2005

A Bad Move, Mesatinks

Okeyday, so, mesa had der brilliant plan of how to getten der clones out of der office. Mesa maken sure all der doors and windows were sealed tight, den turnen on all der taps mesa could find, in der kitchen and der bathrooms, and on der water cooler. Der whole office fillen up with water. Mesa clones issen all gungans jussen like mesa, so theysa noah died when mesa flooden der office, but mesa swimmen over to one of der windows and openen itsa to washen themsa all out.

Der problem wassen dat, just as mesa openen der window, Sache, Yane, and Eritae arriven at work early. Theysa open der elevator door, and... Yane wassen checked into hospital with hypothermia, but Sache and Eritae were just pissed at mesa. Mesa hassen spenden most of thissen week apologisen to everyonesa.

Thissen mornen, mesa go to Senator Padme's office. Shesa looken in mesa eyes for a few minutes. Shesa can be realyl disturben when shesa noah blinken like thassen. Then, shesa sayen...
"Jar Jar, this... incident... is possibly the worst thing you've ever done. Well, aside from the time you flooded the city of Theed. Now *that* was a really spectacular screw-up! Anyway, because of what's happened here, we're going to have to..." Shesa opened an envelope with hersa orders from der Queen and der Supreme Chancellor in itsa, and readen themsa. Shesa turned der paper upside down, looked at itsa in a mirror, and applied a decryption algorithm to itsa. Den shesa sitten in stunned silence. Mesa hassen tryen to wake hersa up, but noahting worken. Mesa gonna check hersa again later.