Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 3

Everting hassen been goin' mesa way, recently. After mesa starten to maken more kinds of potato products, mesa hassen been sellen lots. And, mesa noah knowen why, but several potato plantations in der Ireland System hassen been goin' bankrupt all at once. Even stranger, all of theirsa land and resources issen bein' given to mesa! Mesa tinken thissen a bit suspicious... But at least mesa wierd luck issen good thissen time!

Probably, mesa should senden a few crates to Naboo. Theysa had a hurricane theresa a few weeks ago, but Senator Padme sayen that if mesa goin, mesa probably would maken itsa worse. Hmm. Shesa probably right. But anyway, der potatoes will helpen, mesatinks.

Ding! You've got mail.

More potato plantations goin bankrupt... And theysa bein' transferred to mesa as well... Why would thissen happenen? Mesa hassen noah really doin thassen much... Ah well. Issen noah important.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 2

Mesa hassen setten up mesa shop. Issen noah difficult - when mesa getten a new air-conditioner, itsa noah goin in der same place as der old one. So dere issen a hole in der wall where mesa old AC went. Der workmen sayen issen a "memento". Hmm. Well, mesa hassen taken der boards off der hole and starten sellen mesa potatoes out der "window". Of course, mesa customers requiren meticulolous preparation of der potatoes. Theysa mussen bein washen, and dryen, and sprayen with pesticide (noahone seemen to wanten potatoes thassen been near mesa, for some reason) and washen again, run through der spin cycle on Mrs Strudleheimen's washen machine, and finally autographen by famous Jedi Masters. Mesa finden itsa berry difficult. But mesa breaken even! Today, mesa maken a profit of... 2 credits! Well, until someone comen by to getten a refund (hesa sayen Fluke Starbucker issen noah a famous Jedi Master - hmph). Now mesa hassen noah profit, but noah expenses. Could be worse.

Of course, if mesa maken some nutritious low-fat potato chips to sellen...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Adventures in the Potato Trade: Part 1

Mesa been putten up with itsa for a while now. But mesa can noah more. Mesa bedroom issen full of potatoes. Every since FOOF's decoraten spree. Mesa bath hassen been replacen. Mesa air conditioning issen noah longer tryen to kill mesa. But mesa still haven a terrarium instead of a bedroom. Mesa been sleepen in mesa fish tank for weeks. Someting mussen be doing. Mesa hassen come to a decision, jussen thissen afternoon.

Mesa gonna start sellen potatoes as a spare income source.

Yousa tinken mesa crazy? Well, thassen whatsa Senator Padme sayen. And Captain Typho. And Ani. And Obi. And mesa cousins back home on Naboo. Well... pretty much everyone mesa talken to. But since when hassen mesa caren about common sense? Mesa hearen of itsa, but itsa sounden like a load of hooey to mesa. Anyway, a nice small business sellen der potatoes from mesa bedside garden. Mesa will only sellen healthy foods, noah like der stuff thassen McDooku's *SPIT* issen famous for. Whatsa could happenen?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Note to self: read footnotes

Okeyday... mesa class goin well today... up to a point. Usen' mesa cunning potion, mesa performen berry well. Mesa doin everyting with muy muy dexterity and grace. Den... der potion's effects wearen off. And mesa becomen even more clumsy than usual.

Itsa starten when wesa repeaten der lemon excersize from a couple of days ago. Der lemons slippen out of mesa hands and mesa getten lemon juice all over der floor. Mesa getten a paper towel to wipen itsa up, but mesa slippen over. Mesa knocken over der whole table, and glasses of lemon juice spillen everywhere and getten in people's eyes! Mesa wassen blinden by der citric acid, and runnen around flailing mesa arms and knocken into der co-ordinators. One of themsa haven a cigarette lighter, and... well...
To maken a long story short, mesa burnen down der building. Issen a small one... and issen noah berry good, since der Coruscant government issen stingy with thissen sort of ting... But still, mesa lucky mesa escapen before mesa wassen noticed.

Mesa haven a look at mesa potion book. Der consequences issen all listed in der footnote - der potion's effects issen reversed after theysa wearen off. To stop thissen from happenen, jussen adden a pinch of salt (complex solution?).

In summary... always readen footnotes. Theysa can getten yousa in a lot of trouble.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Mesa Free!

Mesa sicken of der classes. Mesa only doin themsa anyway because of der court order. So, mesa tiken mesa gonna cheaten. Mesa looken up an ancient Gungan herbal remedy for clumsiness. Itsa noah looken so bad. Yousa noah even needen to summon der spirits to maken itsa work. And mesa haven all der ingredients with mesa. Eye of dewback, toe of fambaa, wing of mynock and tongue of bantha. Theysa all pretty standard ingredients. Theresa a little footnote at der bottom of der page about "terrible consequences" and a "complex solution". But mesa noah ever readen footnotes. Issen a waste of time.

Mesa brewen der potion now. Tomorrow, if issen potent enough, mesa should be able to do well in der remedial clumsiness class and getten out! Heh heh heh.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Jar Jar Binks on Shoelaces

Mesa back in der terribible classroom again. Today wassen a lesson on tying shoelaces. Thissen issen one of mesa worst fears. Doctors hassen diagnosen mesa with someting theysa callen "fearoftyingshoelacesophobia" - der fear of tyen shoelaces. Yousa seein, mesa hassen muy muy difficulty in thissen. Mesa hassen been known to trippen over mesa shoelaces four times in a day.

Wesa starten with a simple bow. Simple. Over, under, around and through. Or wassen itsa under, through, over and around? Or mebbe around, over, through and under?

***Five minutes later***

Mesa getten itsa! Through, around, below, under, above, through, around, into an adjacent dimension and back again, around mesa neck, pullen itsa tight- urk!

***Five minutes later***

Ow... Mesa okeyday... Letten mesa seein... Over, under, around, through...
Mesa got itsa!
*Jar Jar stands up and steps forward, before falling flat on his froggy face*
Okeyday... so mesa noah supposen to tyen der shoes together.
Hmm. All der younglings issen finishen. Thissen berry bad, mesa tinks. Mesa gonna hiden in a corner for der rest of der day.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Mesa Been Taggen

Captain Typho hassen "taggen" mesa. Issen berry strange, since every blogger whosa issen taggen has to taggen five other bloggers. Mesa tinken itsa would taken about two weeks before noahone could be doin anyting but taggen each other. Anyway, before taggen other people, mesa mussen answer some stupid questions.

Where were you ten years ago?
Ten years ago, mesa wassen on Naboo. Mesa had jussen getten back from Coruscant after der battle with der Federation du Trade, and wassen looken forwards to never goin theresa again. *Sigh*. How wrong mesa wassen.

Where were you five years ago?
Hmm. If mesa rememberen correctly, five years ago mesa wassen on Coruscant, stuck in a desk job. Der same desk job as mesa had four years before thassen.

Where were you one year ago?
...and der same desk job as mesa had four years later. Alphabetizing wildlife of der Chommel sector by der animals' scientific names. Senator Padme sayen issen wassen for a morale effort, or reinforcing hersa "clean green image" or someting like thassen. Hmm.

Where were you yesterday?
In a classroom full of younglings being squirted in der eyes with lemon juice.

5 snacks you enjoy
Fried frogs - but these issen often guarden by nasty storekeepers.
Watercress sandwiches
Raw shellfish
Scrambled Fambaa eggs

5 songs you know all the words to
To tellen der truth, mesa noah knowen all der words to any songs excepten der Republic National Anthem (the Star-Spangled Galaxy) and a berry funny song by Gungan Day called Nubian Idiot.

5 places to run away to
Kamino - der weather issen berry nice
Otoh Jahai
Mesa holiday home in der swamp near Otoh Gunga
Mon Calimari
Tatooine... yeah, right

5 items you would never wear
A suit
Pink-rimmed sunglasses with moons and stars on themsa
A wide-brimmed purple sunhat
A cow bell
A live parrot

5 biggest joys in your life
Getten mesa paperwork done
Getten mesa paperwork done
Getten mesa paperwork done
Getten mesa paperwork done
Getten mesa paperwork done

Your 3 favorite toys
Mesa bath
Mesa boomas
Mesa book of ancient mystic Gungan spells - berry useful, too

Now, mesa mussen taggen five other people. Hmm. Mesa tinken...

Noel of Neptonian
Fluke Starbucker
Leia Organa
Master Yoda's Stupid Intern
Siri Tachi

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A Tale of Citrus-y Woe

Today wassen mesa first clumsiness-recovery class. Issen wassen berry... painful. Der manager of der class issen a human lady whosa belongen in a kindergarten teachen der little kiddies... or in a mental asylum. Mesa noah catchen hersa name - all right, mesa ignoren itsa on purpose. But shesa noah goin to finden out mesa name... Mesa in a class with 7 and 8 year olds, mesa noah gonna usen mesa real name! Mesa callen mesaself Bink Bink Jars until mesa getten out of here.

Oursa task for thissen lesson wassen to squeezen der juice from five lemons into a glass. First, wesa cutten der lemons in half. Mesa almost losen a finger. Three times. Well, maybe itsa wassen four.

Okay, six.

Several slices and berry many bandaids later, mesa haven der halves of five lemons. Thassen mussen have been der hard part, right? Mesa picken up half a lemon and squeezen itsa. And mesa getten lemon juice in mesa eyes! Eeeaaargh!!! Mesa fallen over in pain, and smushen der lemon into mesa other eye. EEEAAARGH!!!
Der embarrassen bit issen noah really dat mesa failed, but dat all der younglings had noah problem.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Mesa getten in trouble for being clumsy again... Yousa seein', thissen mornen at der supermarket, mesa trippen over mesa robes and crashen into an old human woman. Shesa getten berry angry at mesa, because mesa maken hersa spillen all hersa shopping everywhere. Mesa tryen to help hersa picken itsa up, and mesa fallen over again on top of a milk bottle. Itsa bursten open and milk goin' everywhere. Mesa tryen to getten up but slippen in der milk and crashen into one of der shelves...

Mesa will noah boren yousa with der details - mesa issen now banned from WalMart. And worse, der old human lady mesa knocken down issen a Justice of der Coruscant Supreme Court! As punishment, mesa haven to attenden classes on bein' less clumsy. Mesa tryen to get out of it, but a court order issen hard to worm out of, and der judge wassen noah exactly impartial...

Mesa first lesson issen tomorrow afternoon. Der other people doin' der course issen all about eight years old - how embarrasen. Thissen even worse dan der time mesa letten all der sea monsters in Otoh Gunga Zoo escape into der wild and causen havoc, and letten mesa tellen yousa, thassen wassen bad.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Conisseur of Baths

Mesa hassen hiren a real hardware guy to install a new air conditioner, next mesa needen a new bath. Right now, mesa only hassen a hole in der floor right above old Mrs Strudleheimen's washing machine downstairs. Mesa could take a bath with hersa laundry... but mesa tinken thassen a bad idea.

Now, mesa old bath wassen a wonder of high-techiness. Itsa could regulaten der temperature to within 0.1 degrees, and der pH to within 0.5 as well. Itsa could adden perfume to der water as well, but thassen only for special occaisions. Mesa goin' to der furniture district today, and mesa finden dat theresa issen noah actually any bath shops on Coruscant. Yousa can buyen baths from der general furniture shops, but theysa only sellen cruddy baths. Theysa issen just porcelain boxes with one tap each (one of themsa wassen a barrel with a showerhead glued to itsa - berry economic, sayen der shopkeeper).

Mesa needen a bath specialist (mesa old bath wassen a birthday present from mesa cousin, Jug Jug). So, mesa consulten der Yellow Pages. After mesa fingers had doin der walken for a little while, theysa getten tired so mesa letten mesa tongue do der walken. Anway, mesa finden dat dere issen one bath specialist - on der other side of Coruscant. Apparently, issen noah a berry lucrative business. So, mesa goin over theresa for der day.

Mesa finden dat thissen Mon Calimari bath salesmen had baths of every shape and size... and hesa had a bath dat wassen identical to mesa bath! Mesa asken where hesa getten itsa. Hesa pointen at a badge on hissen chest - "Honorary member of the Followers of Ol' Fluke" - and sayen dat some of hissen FOOF buddies hassen given itsa to him cheap, den hesa fixen itsa up like new.

Itsa wassen noah jussen identical to mesa old bath, itsa WASSEN mesa old bath! Mesa explainen thissen to himsa, but hesa noah listenen. So, mesa haven to payen 1000 credits jussen to get back mesa own bath.

Sunday, October 09, 2005


Senator Padme always complainen about beaurocrats. Shesa tinken theysa gummen up der political process like peanut butter. Or mebbe someting stronger, like superglue. Hmm. Thissen interesten, mesa will experimenten on thissen later.

Anyway, today mesa meeten one. Hesa wassen a twi'lek, with lots and lots of files and folders tucked under his arms. Hesa even usen hissen lekku to holden some forms. Hesa tellen mesa about hissen job. Every week, hesa mussen maken a report about Senator Padme's office, senden one copy back to ussen, one to Naboo, one to der supreme chancellor, make one more copy and shreaden itsa, keepen one copy and hiden itsa where noahone will ever finden itsa, and senden one copy to der Senator from Malastare (hesa noah knowen why, but hesa doin itsa anyway). Each one has to be stamped five times, but (hesa sayen) sometimes for a laugh (noah asken mesa) hesa stamps der one for der Malastare Senator six times. Hesa wierd.

And der tings in der report - well. Hesa sayen theresa issen noahting there. At der top of der page issen a heading - "Health and Safety Report - Naboo Senator's Office", and den noahting else on der page. Hesa sayen dat dere issen some forms dat hesa issen supposen to copy onto der report, but hesa never getten these forms - but itsa noah matteren, because noahone ever sayen anyting about itsa. Hesa sayen issen mesa job to fill out der forms and senden dem to himsa. Oh, those forms, mesa wassen jussen getten to those... *Picks up a form* Thissen one issen from... April last year. Hmm. Oh, forgetten itsa.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Sign - check.
Bad-quality microphone - check.
Food - check.
Knife - check.
Mesa apartment issen now a drive-through.

Mesa community service issen now binden me to providen meals to anyone driven past whosa wanten themsa. And mesa mussen given any meal theysa asken for, noah matter how outlandish der ingredients may be or how difficult der recipie issen.

A Mon Calimari asken mesa for filleted Opee Sea Killer on a soft sesame seed bun.
A Hutt asken for a vat of grease (ugh...).
Mesa wassen asken by a Toydarian (Bojaa recommenden mesa to himsa) to given himsa a deep-fried Sarlacc tentacle.
A whole busload of Humans asken mesa for roast Kaadu sandwiches.

Den, trouble striken.

A Zabrak asken mesa for a sandwich of Bantha steak, Acklay liver and Mynock drumsticks. Mesa searchen everywhere mesa could finden for der ingredients. Mesa turnen mesa apartment upside down. Mesa even stealthily hurryen down to der convenience store. But to noah availen. Eventually, mesa could noah maken der meal, and had to pay a 300 credit compensation fee.

Mesa knew mesa would need more bread!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Mebbe thissen a bad idea

Mesa noah sure why Bojaa insisted dat removen der air conditioner would taken a handheld blaster cannon, but hesa der mechanic, noah mesa! Mesa a terribible mechanic. Hassen mesa ever tellen yousa about der time mesa flooden Otoh Gunga? Or crashen Boss Nass's heyblibber? Mesa gotta tellen yousa about thassen sometime.

Anyway, mesa figuren dat noah air conditioning issen better dan an air conditioner thassen tryen to killen mesa. So, under Bojaa's orders, mesa blowen itsa up. Der problem bein dat mesa kitchen now openen onto a major skyway, and mesa fridge issen leeken coolant directly out of der building.

*Apparantly*, issen illegal under Coruscant law to haven a kitchen with a hole leaden out of der building, because some of der motorists could be offended by der sight of mesa dinner. Der punishment issen community service: preparen a free meal for anyone whosa driven past mesa apartment in der time before der hole issen fixen. Strange law, mesa tinks. So, after mesa firen Bojaa and getten a new mechanic to replacen mesa air conditioner, mesa gonna haven to maken lots of food.