Thursday, January 12, 2006

Order 67?

Mesa had mesa sunglasses on berry tightly, but theysa noah were needen. Der Chancellor wassen dressed when mesa walken in. Thassen a first. Hesa wassen talken to a clone trooper on a comlink, and hissen back wassen to mesa.
"No, I can't be sure he's working against me. Just like you couldn't be sure whether or not the Invisible Hand and three Separatist capital ships were closing in to attack Corellia last week. No, no excuses, please, commander. Just be ready to initiate order 67."
"That's the one where we get you a frankfurter with extra mustard to go, right?" Der commander looken puzzled.
"NO, you idiot! That's order 76! Or was it 75? Order 67 is-" Den mesa sneezen.

"ARGH!" Palpatine turnen off der commlink. "Jam Jar, what in the force are you doing here?"
"Er... mesa work here."
"Oh. Yes. Right. *Ahem*." Hesa looken at der floor.
"Mister Chancellor?"
"What? Are you still here?"

"Yousa noah given mesa der next mission yet, sir."
"Oh, yes, right. I daresay you know Fluke Starbucker?"
"He is a Founder of the New Jedi Order Wannabe. That means that if the Jedi order ever falls, his job is to pick up the pieces and found a New Jedi order."

"Issen nice to know theysa have a contingency plan. Der Jedi aresa berry wise."
"Yes, but it does aggravate things for me, rather. What with... you know... order 66."
"Order 66?"
"What? Haven't I told you that one?"
"Oh, well thank the force for that. Who knows what you'd be able to screw up if you had access to top-level secret plans like that. Anyway, Fluke Starbucker. I want you to... how do you say this tactfully? Terminate him."

"Eh? What for? Hesa a nice man. And hesa a FotNJOW. Hesa doin all kinds of heroic deeds, like fighten Darth Tater, and-"
"Oh, be quiet! I've heard enough about Fluke Starbucker's heroic deeds, thank you! I know you're not an assassin, technically..."
"Mesa noah an assassin, period."

"...but I am giving you a direct order. Order 492, as it happens. Now hop to it!"

"Aayla Secura speaking."
"Hesa wanten mesa to kill Fluke Starbucker! Whatsa mesa gonna do!?"

"Okay, Jar, just stay calm. There's gotta be a way around this..."
"Fluke can noah hiden like Qui-Gon! Qui-Gon issen dead, but Fluke hassen heroic deeds to performen!"
"Look, I have a plan. Obviously, it would be wrong for you to even try to assassinate a FotNJOW. But if you can pretend like you attacked him and lost..."

"Den mesa can hiden somewhere and der Supreme Chancellor will never knowen!"
"Exactly. You have to disappear, Jar Jar. I'll ask Fluke to put on a show; pretend he's been attacked. I'm sure he owes me a favor from someplace or other. As for you, I have some contacts in Core Worlds TV. They have a job opening as presenter on a game show. It's out of the way, you'll be close to home, and Palpatine won't know a thing about it until the show airs, which won't be until October, at least. In the mean time, I'll find some way for you to vanish permanently."
"Well... mesa supposen mesa accept."
"Great. Pack your bags and take the first available flight back to Naboo. And Jar Jar?"
"Did the Chancellor say anything about 'Order 66'?"
"A little..."
"Did he say what it meant?"
"No." Aayla sighen.

"Back to research, for me then. One last thing. Don't use your blog anymore. It's probably tapped."

Inside Palpatine's office, the old Chancellor attentively watches a hologram of Jar Jar and Aayla talking via commlink.
Aayla: I'll ask Fluke to put on a show; pretend he's been attacked. I'm sure he owes me a favor from someplace or other. As for you-
Suddenly, the image blurs, crackles, and vanishes. Palpatine looks at the projector angrily and hits it. Nothing happens. He tries again, and again. Nothing happens. He throws a short tantrum, hits the device once more, and illicits a response.
Aayla: -last thing. Don't use your blog anymore. It's probably tapped.
Palpatine: Bah!
He crosses to a viewscreen on the wall, and taps several buttons next to it. A man's face appears on the screen.
???: Hey, Palpy, what's up?
Palpatine: I told you not to call me that! The man's smile hardens.
???: I'll call you whatever I please. The fans want to know your first name, sure. But as long as I don't give you one, I can use whichever abusive term suits me in our little chats. You're lucky I don't use that little name your mummy had for you when you were a youngling.
Palpatine: Grr...
???: So, Palpy. What do you want?
Palpatine: It's about Jam Jar.
???: Jar Jar.
Palpatine: Whatever. He's definitely working with Aayla Secura against me.
???: *sighs* I suppose there's nothing for it. It'll have to be Order 67. The fans have been clamouring for it for years, you know. Some of those websites...
Palpatine: So, when can I give Order 66?
???: All in good time, Palps. Steve the Spider assures me that the opportune moment will arrive at the end of Episode III. Just 67 for now. And, by the force, be humane. You know I have a soft spot for Jar Jar, or I would have written him off a long time ago. Remember that.

Palpatine: Yes, sir... Can I just torture him a little bit? Just a teensy-
???: Be quiet. The image on the screen disappears.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Mission 4: Operation "Ghostbuster"

Okeyday, issen noah gonna be difficult. Jussen convincen Qui-Gon dat hesa better hide for a while to escapen der chancellor's wrath. Easy.

Qui-Gon: Man, have you been, like, doing Death Sticks?
Jar Jar: No, mesa serious! Der supreme chancellor senden mesa her to banishen yousa!
Qui-Gon: Whoa. Far out, man. Hesa paused. Like, are you sure about the Death Sticks? Cause they can give you some serious hallucinations.
Jar Jar: Mesa noah been doin Death Sticks, okeyday? Mesa noah wanten to go home and retinken mesa life!
Qui-Gon: You are serious, aren't you, Jar? Look, man, I'm cool with the whole self-preservation thing. But I can't run and hide.
Jar Jar: Thissen noah a time to be worryen about being a coward!
Qui-Gon: It's not that. I'm, like, the public face of Uncle Jinn & JJ's brownies! I'm a benign, fatherly, force-ghost. Jawajuice... well, no offense to JJ, man, but have you ever seen a Jawa under those hoods they all wear? That is nasty!
Jawajuice: It's true. Losing Qui could hurt our sales. People just don't trust Jawas. I mean, only 20% or so of us are kleptomaniacs, but people just don't buy from us. On Tatooine, they ain't got no choice. But neither do we - the rest of the galaxy is pretty much enemy territory. Why do you think our race still lives there? Jeez, it's not as if we like it.
Jar Jar: Yousa noah understanden! Der chancellor issen after Qui-Gon, and if mesa can noah proven to Palpatine dat mesa banishen himsa, hesa will firen mesa and senden someone else - maybe a professional exorcist.
Qui-Gon: Look, Jar Jar, if you can, like, find a replacement for me, I'll go and hide somewhere. But it's just, like, temporary. Don't expect me to sit around on Dantooine or some place chewing spice forever.
Jar Jar: A replaceyment? Hmm...

Ten minutes later, outside the local Wal-Mart...
Qui-Gon: Like, are you sure about this?
Jar Jar: Of course mesa sure. Cousin Can Can hassen never letten mesa down. Although, since mesa never relyen on hersa for anyting in der first place...
Can Can Binks: Okeyday, kids! Uncle Jinn & JJ's super-secret recipie brownies, now available in coffee flavour!
Human Child: Where's Uncle Qui-Gon?
Can Can Binks: Er... hesa busy. Hesa go away on business trip. To visiten hissen mother-in-law.
Human Child: But you said business?
Can Can Binks: Er... kid, letten mesa tellen yousa someting about mothers-in-law...
Jawajuice: This had better be temporary, Qui. I'm serious.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Mesa a Doubly Agent - Cool, Huh?

Mesa standen in front of Supreme Chancellor Palpatine's office door again. Thissen time, mesa wassen prepared for whatever horrible sight awaiten mesa. Mesa putten on der sunglasses Aayla given mesa on Ryloth.
"I got these for a couple of credits off a trader from some planet called Betelgeuce. Never heard of the place myself," shesa had sayen. "They're peril-sensitive sunglasses - at the first sign of danger, they turn completely black. I don't know what use they might have in a combat situation..." shesa frowned, "But if you walk in on the Chancellor wearing his speedoes again, they should prevent you from seeing anything."
Mesa had been confusen then, but mesa wassen glad to have der sunglasses now. Aayla had senden mesa back to Coruscant to work for der Chancellor again, to get hersa more information about whatsa hesa wassen doin. Mesa taken a deep breath, and openen der door.

As soon as mesa looken inside, der sunglasses turned pitch-black.
"Mister Chancellor? Are yousa wearing anyting?"
"Jam Jar? Of course I'm wearing something - can't you see this electric-blue speedo?"
"No! And mesa noah wanten to!"
"Well, good. I'm sick of you walking in here in sneaking peaks of me in my underwear."
"Der feeling issen mutual. Mesa here to report on mesa last mission."
"Oh, good. Well, how did it go?"
"Er... well, shesa noah suspecten a ting. Itsa never even occuren to hersa to looken into Darkside Foods."
"Excellent, excellent. I won't have to kill her yet, then, I'll save her for Order 66..."
"What did yousa say?"
"*Ahem* I said, I'll have to save her some fish sticks. I'm having seafood tonight, you know. Now, I'm sure you're eager to be off on your next mission. We have only two targets left."
"Er... never mind. Your next mission is to do with your old friend, Qui-Gon Jinn. It's very simple. I need you to banish him to the ether."

"The ether. You know, the metaphysical realm inhabited by dead force-users? I need you to put him there and make sure he can't get back for at least a decade."
"Oh, be creative. You know a few Gungan shaman tricks, don't you? I'm sure you'll figure something out."
"But... whysa?"
"Because I told you to. Now go and complete your next mission."

Mesa turnen around and walken into der wall. Mesa peril-sensitive sunglasses were still black. Mesa fumblen around, finden der door, and walken through it. When der door closed, der sunglasses went clear again. Mesa took out mesa cellphone and dialed Aayla's number.
"Hello, Aayla speaking."
"Aayla? Der Chancellor wanten mesa to banish Qui-Gon to der ether! What should mesa do!"
"That can't be good. Why would he want Qui out of the way? If he's going after Force-ghosts, there must be something going on... Look, just convince Qui-Gon to lay low for a while, and find something that'll make the Chancellor believe you've done it. I dunno, get a replica of his lightsabre or something. I should check on Yarael Poof as well. Palpatine's up to something..."

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Mission 3: Operation "Wesa goin' on a Twi'lek hunt"

Mesa figuren der best place to start would be der Twi'lek homeworld, Ryloth. Issen a wierd place. One one side of der planet, issen always daytime. On der other side, issen always nighttime. In der bit where der Twi'lek all live, issen always five-thirty on a Friday evening. Or perhaps seven-thirty on a Saturday morning. Yousa can noah ever tell.

Of course, mesa noah dere for sightseeing. Mesa gotta find Aayla Secura. Itsa can be noah so hard - shesa issen blue! How many blue Twi'lek women can theresa possibly by on der Twi'lek homeworld?

"Aayla! Aayl- er... sorry, miss."
"Hey! Yousa! Aayla Sec- sorry, yousa looky like someone mesa knowen."
"Aayl- oh, forgetten itsa..."
Okeyday, mebbe mesa should have looked up hersa Ryloth address in der Order Directory before mesa leaven. Theresa so many caves... hersa clan mussen liven in one of themsa! Mesa will finden a telephone box. A phone book will help.

Aayl'asecuqux, Aayl'asecuquy, Aayl'asecuquz... Okeyday, here wesa are: Aayl'asecura. Lucky theresa a map in thissen phone book. Should be easy to find der cave.

Okeyday, thissen should be der last hill. No, theresa another valley ahead. Down into der valley and up der next hill... and theresa another valley. Down and up again, and down again and up again, and down again and - wait. Back up der way mesa came. Yes, thissen der right cave. Knock on der- theresa noah door. Noah panic, Jar Jar, jussen ring der doorbe- theresa noah doorbell! Okeyday, Jar Jar, now yousa can panic. EARGHARAGHARHARGARAGH! EEEEE!

"What's all the noise about? Why is someone screaming outside my- Jar Jar? What are you doing here on Ryloth?"
"EEEAARRREEEARRREEAREAREARIIII! EE-oh... er... hello, Aayla... er... nice day."
"It's evening. It's always evening. It's been five-thirty p.m. on Friday the seventeenth of August for well over ten thousand years. The Twi'lek people have saved a fortune from not having to purchase calenders."
"Oh... of course..."
"Well, come in. Would you like some coffee?"
"WOULD mesa?"

"You've kind of caught me at a bad time, I've finished my research on Darth Hidious, Darth Mrow, Darth Gollum and Darth Smeagol, and Darth Wayne, but I still have some work to do on one of the most devious and evil of them all - Darth Oprah. I have Master Yoda's files on her, but we still need more information."
"Yousa been studyen Darth Oprah for four months!?"
"Has it been that long? Oh no - I haven't bought any new clothes since I've been doing the work for Sith Awareness Week! Everything I have is probably out of fashion by now!"
"But... Sith Awareness Week issen over."
"Yeah, but it was kinda a big flop. If I prepare well for next year, though, and get some better publicity for it, it'll work out just great."
"Okeyday... well, mesa here on a mission."
"What kind of mission?"
"To find yousa! Der Chancellor sent mesa to - uh... find out what yousa know about der Sith."
"The Chancellor? I should have seen this coming. I need more coffee."
"Why? Whatsa issen wrong with der Chancellor?"
"*Sigh* You are so clueless, Jar Jar. Did he feed you some story about Sith connections in Darkside Foods that he "honestly didn't know about"? Because he told me the same thing. And I believed him. But during my research, I keep finding little unexplainable discrepancies, like someone is covering up the mistakes of all the Sith. Take Darth Hidious's operation on Hoth, for example. After Mace Windu killed his psychotic clone, he went straight back to Coruscant. He was overdue for his scalp care appointment; he didn't realise that there might be Sith secrets hidden inside Hidious's computers. I sent a probe droid to Hoth, but when it got there, someone had taken all the fridge magnets off of Darth Hidious's freezer and stuck them on the computers. The data was irretrievably corrupted."
"So? Mebbe Darth Hidious put themsa dere so noahone would find hissen secret plans?"
"No. One of the fridge magnets wasn't Sith-issue. It was a picture of a bright yellow speedo. Only one person in the galaxy would ever have a yellow speedo-shaped fridge magnet."
"Yousa meanen... der Supreme Chancellor issen helpen der Sith?"
"Worse. I think that Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith."

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Okeyday, thissen time for sure.

Mesa stopped, about to open der door, and knocked.
"Chancellor? Are yousa dressed?"
Noah answer.
"Mister Chancellor?" Hmm. Guess hesa noah home. Mesa went in...

And der Chancellor wassen lying on hissen desk, in bright green speedoes, with whipped cream all over hissen face and cucumber slices on hissen eyes.
"Argh! What? What? Who's interrupting my facial?" Hesa sitten up and taken off der cucumber slices. "You again? Don't you ever knock?"
"Mesa did knocken! Yousa noah answeren!"
"Well, I didn't hear you! I must have fallen asleep!"
"Why are yousa having a facial in yoursa office?"
"My job is my life, Jam Jar." Mesa noah botheren to correcten himsa. "I don't have enough spare time to prepare a good facial, so I have to cater to my beautifying needs while I'm at work. It's not as if I want the seven hours to spend every day on scalp care that Mace Windu has, but just a little time to stop myself winding up like this...

...would be nice!

"Er... okeyday. Well, der crown jewelies of Alderaan and Leia's fork are in yoursa storehouse. Do yousa haven another mission for mesa?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. Kenobi - check. Organa - check. That leaves Jinn, Secura, Starbucker, and of course, yourself... heeheehee!"
"Sorry? What?"
"Erm... nothing. Your next mission. Well, several months ago, the Jedi Knight Aayla Secura disappeared while collecting information for Sith Awareness Week. Find her, interrogate her, and if she has discovered any information that might be used against me, use whatever means necessary to stop her from returning to the Jedi Temple!"
"Why would shesa find information about yousa while shesa wassen researchen for Sith Awareness Week?"
"Er... well... it's a funny story, that... you see... my food company, Darkside Foods, is owne- er... used to be owned by the Sith Order, and, well, you never know, there... may... be some Sith connections in the company that I honestly don't know about! But if Aayla finds evidence of these, pleading ignorance may not be enough to prove me innocent in the Coruscant Supreme Court! So... you see?"
"Noah weally, but okeyday."

These missions keep getten wierder. And theresa someting strange about der Chancellor...

Noahone in theirsa right mind would where speedoes that shade of green.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Mission 2: Operation "Weally Bad Idea"

Thissen nuts. Mesa gotta stealen der most treasured possessions of one of der galaxy's most powerful families. Der tings mesa do for mesa job...
At least Count Dooku comen with mesa. Although, thassen mebbe a bad ting...
Count Dooku: Tally ho, what what? This'll be an absolute cracker of a mission, don't you agree?
Jar Jar: Er... yesss...
Count Dooku: And Lord Sidi- er... Chancellor Palpatine even said I could take a piece or two of treasure for my own collection! The crown jewels of Serenno are so frightfully dreary, you know.
Jar Jar: Wonderfullen.
Wesa were on Alderaan, at der front door of Princess Leia's palace. Wesa were wearen cameras around oursa necks to disguisen oursaselves as tourists. Count Dooku wassen taken a lot of pictures of der mountains.
Jar Jar: So... howsa wesa gonna getten in?
Count Dooku: Join a tour, I assume. Hesa holden up a camera. These disguises really do work wonders, you know, Jam Jar.
Jar Jar: Issen Jar Jar.
Count Dooku: Oh, sorry. My maste- I mean, the Chancellor, said your name was Jam Jar.
Jar Jar: Grr...
Count Dooku: Hmm. Although, this Leia is still alive and living here, isn't she? Normally they don't give tours of occupied palaces. I certainly wouldn't let anyone take tours of *my* mansion on Serenno.
Jar Jar: So, how?
Count Dooku: Well, I could use a mind trick on the guard - although, whenever a plan calls for the use of a mind trick, the guards always turn out to be Toydarian - or I could cut a hole in the wall or window with my lightsabre, or we could tunnel in with plastic spoons, or-
Jar Jar: Or wesa could do thissen! Mesa threw a booma at der door guard. Hesa wassen knocken out.
Count Dooku: That could work.

Der inside of der palace wassen huge! So many rooms, and so many doors... When wesa found der treasure rooms, theresa turnen out to be about fifty vaults.
Count Dooku: Ooh, if only we had time to loot this place properly, eh what? There's so much in here I would love to reappropriate. Ah, yes, this vault looks likely, it has the Alderaanian coat of arms on it.
Jar Jar: Issen two crossed forks with a blue background.
Count Dooku: Yes, I believe Leia had the coat of arms changed.
Hesa starten to cutten through der vault door with hissen lightsabre. Den, three forks thudded into der wall next to der door.
Princess Leia: What do you think you're doing here?
Shesa wassen looken berry angry. Shesa wassen wearen a leather bandolier filled with forks, and had a fork in each hand.
Count Dooku: Don't worry, Jar Jar, I'll handle this.
Hesa pullen hissen lightsabre out of der door and getten into a fighting stance.
Princess Leia: What, you think I've never fough Sith before? I wasn't born yesterday, mister!
Shesa pullen a matt black fork out of hersa bandolier and throwen itsa. Count Dooku blocken itsa with hissen lightsabre... and hissen lightsabre fizzed and went out.
Count Dooku: Honestly! Does everyone have cortosis weaponry these days? Hmph.
Princess Leia: Hi-yah!
Mesa hassen never facen a dual-fork-wielding princess of Alderaan before, and, well... mesa noah feelen up to der challenge.
Jar Jar: Hurryen uppen! Cut through der door!
Count Dooku: With this thing? Hissen lightsabre wassen still spluttering. I'd do more damage with a crumpet, frankly.
Jar Jar: Er... Okeyday, mesa will holden hersa off, yousa figuren out der combination lock.
Mesa turnen round and facen Princess Leia.
Princess Leia: Into the garbage chute, frog boy!
Mesa ducked hersa next fork, and starten throwen boomas. Leia blocken themsa all with forks. Shesa good. Shesa berry good. Meanwhile, Dooku wassen fumbling with an electronic lockpick thingy.
Count Dooku: Ah! I have it! Spiffing!
Der door swung open. Mesa ducken another fork and running inside with Dooku. Der crown jewelies were on a table, and Leia's silver fork wassen on a pedestal next to it. One der other side of der table was a pedestal holding a berry large silver spoon. Mesa looken at der spoon, den at Leia.
Princess Leia: Oh no. Don't you get any ideas.
Mesa grabben der spoon and throwen itsa at hersa head.
Princess Leia: Oof!
Shesa collapsen unconscious on der floor.
Count Dooku: So, spoons are her kryptonite? Spiffing! Let's take these jewels and get out of here, shall we? Tally ho!
Jar Jar: Hmm.
Mesa picken up der spoon and putten itsa in mesa pocket. Yousa never knowen when a spoon might be useful.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Der Chancellor's New Speedo

Mesa walken up to der door of der sumpreme chancellor's office. Hesa sayen hesa would getten changed, so itsa should be safe to go in. Mesa openen der door...

And see Chancellor Palpatine wearen a santa hat and bright red speedoes with fluffy white edging.

"Er... Mister Chancellor, sir, mesa tinken yousa sayen yousa would get changed!"
"I did! These are my Christmas speedoes, Jam Jar! You have to get with the spirit of the season!" Hesa jiggled hissen head to show off der pompom on hissen hat.
"Issen Jar Jar, Mister Chancellor."
"Yes, yes, what was I thinking? Jar Jar. Mind if I call you Marmalade for short?"
"Er... no, noah doin that. Please."
"Oh, fine. Now, your next mission. I believe I decided to send you after... Leia, yes. Princess Leia."
"Mesa never hearen of hersa before."
"She was on the same team as us during Survivor: Tatooine, don't you remember? Which is exactly why I want revenge on her, of course!"
"Hmm. Probably because she's not supposed to be born for another five years. *Ahem* Anyway, she's a princess from Alderaan, and I want you to take something from her."
"Well... the crown jewels of Alderaan."
"I have a Nubian Retreiver at my ranch that they would adorn quite nicely, I believe."
"Er... stealen der crowned jewelies of Alderaan?"
"And perhaps her favourite silver fork if you can get hold of it. Yes, my silverware collection is missing an Alderaanian battle-fork."
"But... stealen der-"
"Yes, yes, that's it. Tell you what, I'll send Lord Ty- er... Count Dooku with you on this one. Leia won't be pleased to find her fork gone, and you might need backup."

De-alcoolising Obi's beer, mesa can handle, but now mesa tinken mebbe der Chancellor issen noah entirely on der level. Noah wonderen mesa always losen so much in der poker games. Well, mesa gotta do what hesa sayen. Hesa der boss, after all.